My Eats

How "The Accidental Fat Chick" Hatched...

Welcome to The Accidental Fat Chick's new online home!

During the summer 0f 2008, I woke up one morning with a drive to live a healthy lifestyle. Since then, I've made many changes and lost nearly 50 pounds. Many of my friends and family members have come to me, asking about what I'm doing & how I'm doing it. While I certainly would never claim to be an expert, I'm happy to share what I've learned along the way.

So after careful thought... "The Accidental Fat Chick" has hatched... with the hope of helping at least one person and to be the accountability I need to finish what I started. :)

Thank you for visiting!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Kids & Food

It seems there has been a flurry of chatter in blogland about kids & diet talk, etc. This is a post I've been working on all week - I swear something must be in the air - and thinking about much longer.


A few weeks ago, I was at dinner with a friend, his two daughters and The Boy One. The oldest girl is the same age as The Boy One (12) & is very nearly my size. So, at dinner she ordered this HUGE platter meal - literally enough food to feed me for an entire day - and proceeded to eat the entire thing! Upon completion of the meal (er, feast), she looks at The Boy One and says, "Look how much food I just ate!!!" There was such a look of satisfaction on her face & glee in her voice. Her joy over this "feat" made me sick to my stomach. It was all I could do to bite my tongue. I felt just sad for her... sad that she thinks eating like that is something to be proud of... sad that her father apparently knows very little about nutrition and what it means to eat healthfully.

Since that day, I have paid careful attention when dining out. The occurrence with her really opened my eyes... but it is far from isolated. It seems nearly every time I dine out, I see/hear children being praised for the amount of food they eat and/or chastised if they dare to leave food on their plate. In one instance, I actually heard a mother tell her child, "I'm paying for that meal and we are not leaving here til you eat every bite." And omg, a trip to the buffet (where I go only for sushi) about had me wanting to cry for the children being allowed to go back for three and four plates of food.

Here in blogland, I have read multiple accounts of people who do things like preparing two meals each night - one healthy meal for themselves and then the "usual" stuff for their kids/spouses, purchase school lunches for their children while packing a healthy lunch for themselves, etc.

All of this has gotten me to thinking A LOT about kids & food. While I would NEVER encourage my child or any other to "diet," I do think we have a responsibility to teach children the importance of eating healthy, nutritious foods.

While I understand the temptation to feed kids a different set of food from what we eat when we are trying to lose weight, I have to be honest and say its not something I agree with doing.

How many of us site how important our children are & wanting to be more actively involved with them as a reason for wanting to lose weight/get healthy? If that is true, why would we want to continue feeding our children foods that set them up to have the same struggles with food that we do? Why would we want to continue feeding our children foods that will put them at an increased risk of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, maybe even cancer? If we recognize these foods are not healthy for us to be eating, why on earth would we feel comfortable feeding these foods to our children?

How many of use grew up in homes with an overweight parent (or two) and learned the eating/activity habits that lead us to becoming overweight adults? Its no secret kids learn by example and (especially the little ones) want to mimic the adults they look up to in life. If we are setting a good example, by eating healthy foods, why not take it one step further and feed the whole family the same healthy foods?

In our home, we all eat the same foods. That's not to say we don't have treats... but they are treats we ALL indulge in. One day a week, The Boy One & I have ice cream after his therapy session. On weekdays, we all eat a healthy breakfast - for The Boy One its a Cheerios type cereal with low fat yogurt. Then on weekends, he is allowed his choice of sugary cereals, in a reasonable portion. On our "payday" dinners, we all eat whatever looks appealing on the menu and I don't worry about what I'm eating because I know its just one meal. While things like cookies & chips don't typically come in the house, we all enjoy them as an occasional part of life... not the daily norm. The Boy One knows candy is something we have once in a awhile - because it tastes good - but that it is not "real food" to eat on a regular basis. The Boy One (and The Husband when he's here) happily eat the healthy recipes I prepare... they are tasty & honestly I don't think they even realize they are eating "healthy food." For me, this is part of the "doing it in a way I can sustain for the rest of my life" approach. It only makes sense to teach him to eat, now, in a way that he can eat for his whole life to maintain his health & wellness.

This is the approach I have taken with him since he was small & it works for us. A few years ago, he had a beloved uncle pass away after battling cancer & congestive heart failure. In the process of explaining the illness to him... we told The Boy One gently, but honestly, that part of what contributed to his uncle becoming ill was his unhealthy diet, drinking alcohol excessively, and smoking. That put the first seed in his head that he needed to take care of himself. Today, he watches his Grandma's health deteriorate and when he asks why she is sick... I continue to be honest with him. He knows that while people are sometimes predisposed to illnesses, that there are ways you can take care of yourself to help stay healthy. And yes, despite his "differences" he really does know and understand these concepts. Am I burdening him in some way by being so open and honest about these things with him? I hope not. I believe with my whole heart it is important to be honest with him & not beat around the bush when it comes to matters of illness & what can be done to minimize the risks.

For me, it is critically important to help our children learn to eat in a healthy manner, NOW when they are young, so that it becomes a life long habit... not something they struggle to learn as they reach adulthood. Because of that I am going to focus most of my healthy recipe tests on meals & snacks that are kid friendly. I'm guessing this will involve some recipe "makeovers" and some brand new creations. We will let The Boy One be the "kid taste tester" and I will share our findings.

For those of you that take this approach or a similar one, what are some of your kids' favorite "healthy" meals?

And for those of you who feed your kids a different "diet" from yourself, I'm genuinely curious as to why you do this.

Please know I'm not trying to attack anyone for the way they choose to feed their children. I am merely burdened with fear over what America - at large - is doing to our children (often without even realizing it). It makes me sad to see a generation of children growing up on Happy Meals & cardboard pizza... especially when there are so many ways to make kid-friendly healthy meals.

I keep coming back to this one thought...

If we love ourselves enough to fuel our bodies with nutrious foods on a regular basis... shouldn't we love our children enough to do that and more?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A Blank Screen

For the last hour I have sat staring at a blank computer screen... debating what to write about. I have several posts in the works, but none that feel like they fit where I am this moment. Today I feel like a fraud. My actions have been the classic example of saying one thing and doing something else entirely.

Food today was anti-healthy at each and every turn - chips & salsa, McDonalds and pasta salad. There is no good reason for this day of awful eating. Truthfully, Wednesdays are always crazy with kids group & this day is much like all of my Wednesdays were in the past. Last year, I had done a pretty good job of making it a priority to take healthy meals with me on Wednesday nights... this fall I've yet to get back in the habit. That needs to change IMMEDIATELY!

Exercise did not happen. Yes, I could still pop in a video or get the Wii going and get in something that would technically count. But, I'm exhausted - emotionally and physically - and just don't have it in me right now.

One important thing did happen today though. I wrote Draz earlier, telling her that I wasn't planning to blog about it, but I've changed my mind... because quite honestly I'm proud of myself and feel like a major step toward standing up for myself in life was taken. Today, I took steps to end the friendship with the "friend" I wrote about a few days ago. After much thought, I realized that the emotional damage that would continue to be done to my heart if I attempted to patch things up just wasn't worth any perceived benefit. So... this morning I set about the necessary tasks... phone number changed, email sent stating exactly why I can't continue the friendship, deleted & blocked on facebook. All of that may seem extreme to you, but to me its what has to happen. If I didn't take such serious steps, she would keep pushing to "fix" things and eventually I would give in. It is hard to thing of this person no longer being a part of my life, but I know all in all... Its better this way...

As I was taking each of these steps a feeling of freedom & satisfaction swept through me... like a weight was lifting off my shoulders and stress was leaving my body. I felt empowered. Never before in my life have I stood up for myself in such a concrete, definitive way! While a little part of me was sad to be ending such a long friendship this way, I was mostly relieved to be resolving the situation... and to be resolving it on my terms! To do it without the opportunity to be browbeaten into changing my mind! It was empowering!!!

The Boy One is done with school for the week thanks to parent-teacher conferences. Tomorrow we will be visiting my gym together. He is old enough to be added to my membership. If he is comfortable there, I can start bringing him with me part of the time. That will help me get more workout time in, so I'm hopeful. Besides, he is wanting to exercise and has been upset that he isn't getting a full PE period at school this year.

Bedtime for me... early tonight. LOL

PS- This is my first post from my brand new laptop. HP really went above & beyond in replacing my broken one. Plus, they refunded the price of the extended warranty I purchased. I'm truly, oddly, impressed with them right now. :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Scale Day & Blog Business

Tuesday brought my first scale day since I started the "Out with a Bang!" Plan. I wasn't sure what to expect... yeah I actually got my tush moving again... but in all honesty my food was HORRIBLE over the past few days.

197 lbs... for a one pound loss. I'm good with that! This week will be even better!!

My things to work on for "Out with a Bang!" this week are my water intake (I've been getting more than I was, but still not as much as I should) and tracking my food. I've been writing my food in my little green book, but NOT getting it transferred here or tracking calories. So I need to step up the efforts there.


I spent a copious amount of my Tuesday doing some blog business. I was browsing the blogs I followed & realized I had a whole list I had never gotten a chance to add - some of my lovely BOOBs & a lot of people who recently started following me (and sadly some who have followed for a long time). I feel bad its taken me so long to a chance to do this, hopefully its a forgivable offense, lol. I tried to get everyone, but if I missed someone please please let me know. My goal is to get my blog roll updated in the next couple of days too. :)

The last few weeks I have been feeling like my blog is in need of a "face lift." I want it to have an identity that is a little more me... so that's something I hope to get to work on SOON.


Before I go crawl in bed to catch a few hours of sleep, I want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post. Each of you is proof that REAL friends exist everywhere. You don't have to physically meet someone to be a true friend to them. All of your kind comments meant so much to me... more than you will likely ever know. I am beyond grateful for the gift of friendship I have found here in blogland!

Hope Wednesday is a wonderful day for each and every one of you!


Monday, October 11, 2010

What Kind of Friend Are You?

Yesterday, Dawn over at Fixing Myself Thinner, wrote a single sentence that sums up the way I view life & my relationships with people - in summary - that she gives to others (in blogland) what she would like to receive in return. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated. That's me. That's what I do.

She went on to say that she had to "lose some of the things that would drive her to eat." One of those things being a people pleaser. While I don't think being a "people pleaser" necessarily drives me to eat, as I have recently mentioned, I know it has hindered my healthful efforts.

I hope she doesn't mind me paraphrasing her here... but her post was exactly what I needed to read after the events of Saturday. I needed to see that I'm not alone in the way I think and treat people... or in what I hope to receive in return. I needed to see - through someone else's success - that its okay to make changes in my relationships with people for my own benefit. I needed her words!

As you probably know, I've been observing and reevaluating a lot of my relationships since returning home from Chicago. I'm reaching the limits of tolerating one-sided friendships. Saturday was a boiling point with one such friendship. After months of being there for this friend - with my time, resources & wallet - she more or less indicated that she is not comfortable coming to my house (because she doesn't have her things here & I have different rules for kids in my house)... that if I want to hang out I will have to do 100% of the traveling. Lame reasons if you ask me & I couldn't take it any more. I pretty much told her that if that's how its going to be then she can expect not to be seeing me or having my help from now on. While I may be willing to do the majority of the visiting - because of logistics - I am not up for it being my sole responsibility.

This led to her attacking me for my decision to stay here with The Husband. She doesn't know of the posts I've written here on the matter & how torn I am about what the "right" thing is. She knows that I am here still - in part - because staying allows me to be available to The Boy One in a way I wouldn't be able to if I had to work to support us. She knows what a difference it made in his functioning when I did the temporary job in the Spring & that it took weeks for him to "recover" from it. She knows that I have several serious health concerns going on right now & having medical/dental coverage is critical for me with those things. Still... knowing all of this she told me "your reasons for staying are bullshit reasons & you deserve what you get!"

Pretty much I felt like she was saying my LIFE is not a good reason to stay. Realizing that my very life could be of such little consequence to someone I have considered a dear friend for years was soul crushing. To the point where I can understand a person who wants a physical pain to match their emotional pain.

Thinking about her & our friendship since this conversation, I realized something big. One of those things you blind yourself to because if you see it you have to deal with it. She is a classic example of words vs. actions. The type of person who says all the right things, but rarely backs up what she says without her actions. I don't know why it took me so long to open my eyes and see it. At this point, I don't know what will become of our "friendship," but for now I know that have to severely distance myself from this person. To do anything else would be pouring salt in the gaping wound her thoughtlessness created.

Since I'm on the friend topic, I want to share one more thing. When I was preparing for the trip to Chicago, my Mom made the comment about how weird it was to take such a trip to meet people that weren't "real" friends. I keep thinking about that statement in light of what happened with my "friend" over the weekend. To me a real friend is someone who supports, encourages, loves and wants the best for you. In a very REAL way, all of you here in blogland are my "real" friends. We support, encourage & want the best for each other... in my mind it doesn't get much more REAL than that. It doesn't matter that I haven't met many of you... I still think of you as friends in every sense of the word.

So, to my REAL FRIENDS in blogland... thank you for your love, support & encouragement. I hope that I can be the friend to you that you have been to me.

Solitude Has Its Place...

After yesterday's emotional trauma, I woke up knowing I needed some time for myself. I was planning on a visit to the gym, but when I saw the gorgeous blue skies I knew there was no way I could be stuck inside for a workout. Considering it is quickly headed toward mid-October, days like this are going to be few & far between so being the logical person that I am it made sense to head to one of my favorite places on the island.

This place has miles of trails - some where you feel like you're "lost" deep within the forest, some that parallel the water line & some that do both... like the ones I chose today. It starts out a little like this...

A nice, level tree lined path with all sorts of vegetation on either side. There were hundreds of mushrooms through this area... no clue if they were the edible kind or not.

Then you round the bend to find yourself right on the edge of this high bluff & have this gorgeous view. One could fall over the edge from gaping at the view if they weren't careful.

After walking that trail, which loops around, I decided to go to the lower section... which leads you to this...

Now, I've stood at this point before... looked up the incredibly steep side of the bluff and thought there was no way that was ever going to happen. It's steep, all dirt, and there is nothing to grab if you lose your footing. No thank you... too dangerous for my blood. I kind of like my limbs all intact... thank you very much.

Well... today was different. I hesitated only a moment before deciding to go for it! I don't know what came over me - maybe it was the "screw it all" mood I'm in after yesterday - whatever it was I charged straight ahead.

What you can't see in the picture & don't realize until you're part way up is that the upward climb continues for a good 20-30 feet beyond what you can see in the picture. Once I started, I knew there was no stopping and no turning back. Up is the only way to go... unless you want to slide down on your butt (that MIGHT work). Despite going at a snail's pace in a couple of spots, I NEVER once stopped moving. No breaks all the way to the top!

Here I am - at the top - feeling accomplished in a way I haven't for quite some time.

I took a couple minute breather before continuing on - during which I posted on facebook that I was dead and asked people to attend my funeral. I typed it in there jokingly... but you know the more I've thought about it... there is actually some truth to it. The "me" that has so many times looked at that exact bluff (and other huge physical obstacles) and immediately written them off as too difficult or made excuses for not being able to do them is dead and gone. In this area of my life, I'm not afraid to take on new challenges anymore. I may not do things as fast or with the skill of another person... but I can do them and feel good for my efforts. That said... let's have a PARTY instead of a funeral. :)

After my breather, I took the trail one mile in the other direction. This part of the trail starts out right along the edge of the bluff (and it was windy, unlike the other side) and then winds up and down through foresty areas. There were parts where it was so steep you had to run down the trail to keep from falling, muddy parts, rocky parts, parts where I was sure a bear might jump out at me. Then it opened to the gorgeous beach area... where I veered off the trail and sat on a log for a good 20 minutes... letting the sea spray hit me in the face... watching the waves roll in.

All in all, I ended my walk (okay more of a hike) at 3 miles. I could have kept going but the sun was sinking in the sky and by the end I really was getting nervous about animals in the woods.

For me, sometimes solitude & time alone with my thoughts is a good thing; other times its a bad thing. Today it was a good thing. It reaffirmed that this is the life I want. A life where I can get out and tackle whatever physical endeavor I choose - without worrying about my size, my health, or my emotions hindering me. And, anyone who truly loves me will support me and encourage me to keep on keeping on with it!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Short n Sweet

That's what the bartender at our local Applebee's is and that's what this post is gonna be. It was a very long long, very emotional day. Lots of wounds opened up with the feeling of salt being poured in them... nothing I feel up to writing about now.

On the bright side, my BFF drug me out to dinner at Applebee's and our favorite bartender was there. This girl can make drinks like nobody's business. If we'd had her in Chicago with us... oh I don't even wanna think about that. Small NSV, sort of, I managed to nurse a single margarita... even with her there. Usually its a two drink minimum if she's there... just cuz she isn't there so often anymore & we don't go as often as we used to. So yeah... one drink with her there to mix em is an accomplishment... though I suspect my mama would argue the point. :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Chicago Keeps Giving!

Chicago keeps giving AND feeding my addiction!

Yesterday's trip to the mailbox packed one very welcome little surprise. Sifting through the mail I caught sight of this envelope.

At first glance I thought it was an invitation I'm expecting... then I noticed it was sent from Chicago. Figuring it was somehow related to BOOBs, I set it at the bottom of the pile... save the best for last and all.

So, after sorting all of the CRAPOLA, I settled in with my little envelope. Turning it over, I saw it was from the Coach store... the one that I visited with Maria... the one where I indulged in some fabulous new sunglasses and a ring set. Opening it I found this...

One handwritten note, in which the associate actually remembered details about our visit (not just the merchandise logged into their computer system) AND one $50 gift card to use at a Coach retail store here!!!! OMG, this is seriously the best piece of mail I have received in a VERY long time!!! Now I have an excuse to visit the Coach store and shop a little more!

Maria allowed me to go smell the air in the Coach store... I fed my addiction... I fed the addiction of a certain Coach lover that we all know & love... and now Coach is feeding my addiction. Its a big circle of Coach love I tell ya! :)

Today was pretty good for food and activity.

Ten miles on the wuss bike at the gym. Then, I came home and mowed the backyard... which took forever. Mowing the yard is to me what taking a bath is to some kids... I hate the idea, but once I get started I actually enjoy it. Needless to say, it had been way too long since I last tackled it and the grass was TALL. Even using the self-propelled feature (I usually don't use it), there were sections of grass that were very hard to push through. Then there's the monster tree out there that has decided to give birth to triplets if not more. It was a workout in itself!

Between the gym and the backyard workout I had this yummy salad for lunch.

Spinach, spicy sprouts, peas, mushrooms, tomatoes (from my backyard), shrimp & feta with Caesar spritz for dressing. YUMMY!!!!
I also spent time cutting chicken breasts into three and four ounce portions... so no excuses for not eating lean protein for quite some time... 12 pounds worth should last awhile... especially when The Boy One is still refusing to eat chicken because it comes from chicken. :)
Two NSVs today... one health related and one life related. Health related: I forgot my post-workout snack when I went to the gym today & I managed to resist the call (errr smell) of Starbucks when I was done. Life related: I made today about me, The Boy One and my home... it felt strange, but good in a way too! The yard is mostly done, we had good food together and enjoyed movie time together before he went to bed. He loves the Home Alone movies & I love to watch him be amused by them. It was a good evening.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Out with a Bang!

After weeks of floundering & half-hearted discussion of getting my butt in gear, I finally have a plan in place... one that started today... and my plan is to send 2010 "Out with a Bang!" Something about there being less than eight weeks left of deployment and well under 90 days left in the calendar year signals to me that I must take action now.

Do I feel ready to take on a challenging regimen? Not in the slightest! Is my heart fully in it? It wants to be, but if I'm being honest... no its not! Does that set me up for failure before I even fully begin? I hope not. My shrink told me a year ago when I was so depressed I couldn't do anything more productive than play Facebook games that sometimes you just have to start doing to feel better. So that's what I'm gonna do... the plan is made and I'm just gonna do it... whether I feel like it or not. Because it is for me and it will be good for me... and because I deserve to put myself first. That putting myself first thing is still a foreign concept in my mind. I feel guilty for doing it, guilty for shutting myself down... but I think I would end up feeling more guilty if i didn't do it and do it NOW!

Here's the "Out with a Bang!" plan:

  1. Drink buckets of water daily (maybe not buckets, but at least 64oz.)

  2. Blog daily

  3. Track food daily

  4. Try three new healthy recipes each week

  5. Exercise daily - to include completing "Around the World" gym requirements

You will notice in there that there is nothing about eating "healthy" or limiting calories. While I will be monitoring both, I will not be obsessing over it or chastising myself if I end up in restaurants frequently. Over the last several months, I am certain it has been my lack of exercise that has hurt me... so that will be my primary focus.

Doing "Around the World" gym requirements will force me back into a solid fitness routine. Granted I will have an extra forty days beyond what the gym allots during the challenge... but considering what an infrequent gym visitor I have become & the two weeks I will likely be gone around the holidays, I'm pretty sure it will be challenging enough as is. :)

For the sake of being able to measure results, I did a Thursday morning scale visit and measurements:

  • 198 pounds (ugh... but still down a tiny bit from the start of deployment)

  • Waist - 38 1/2"

  • Hips - 47"

  • Chest - 42"

  • Thigh - 26 1/4"

  • Calf - 19"

  • Arm - 16 1/2"

Scale day is going to remain Tuesday. I plan to check measurements for progress at about the middle of November and then again at the end of the year.

The only thing I haven't figured out fully is rewards... and its no secret I thrive on rewards. They will be figured out & posted by the end of the weekend... and chances are they will include jewelry and/or handbags, lol.

So that's it... my plan to send 2010 "Out with a Bang!"

What are you going to do to finish 2010 strong???

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

87 Days & Accountability

Its official! Its "me first" time... and I'm going to stick to it no matter how foreign it feels.

I have to.

For ME.

For The Boy One.

For my health.

For my sense of well-being.

For my sanity.

For my personal happiness.

This decision - coupled with Draz's counting 87 days until the end of the year - means that this girl has some serious planning to do... and quickly!

I was thinking last night that there are about eight weeks of deployment left and I should make some sort of major effort over those eight weeks. But, Mama Pimp is Mama Pimp for a reason and she makes some very wise points about finishing the year strong and getting through the holidays... so yeah I'm liking her 87 days better than the eight week plan. :)

I don't know exactly what that plan is going to look like yet... but I'm working on it (quickly) and I have ideas galore. However, after not being able to manage my time and do my "Deployment Challenge" as I had planned I want to make sure I don't overwhelm myself with something that's going to be unrealistic... don't like failing myself that way...

Another realization that struck me last night... with The Husband gone & being essentially alone so much of the time... I have NO true accountability for what I eat or how active I am. No one knows if I sit here and eat a diet of frozen dinners and pastries. No one knows if I go to the gym or walk around the block. Unless I blog about it... NO ONE KNOWS!

I must have accountability. So... I'm going to make some changes to my blog... include more tickers and such to have more accountability for what I'm doing here in blog-land. I'm also going to make a more consistent effort to blog daily... regardless of how busy I am (which should be a lot less since I will be sticking to "me first). And, last but not least... I'm going to renew my effort to report my food intake on the "My Eats" tab. Perhaps I will even get all crazy and add an "Activity" tab up there too, lol.

Smile of the week so far (not sure if I shared this already or not): The Boy One informed me a couple days ago that he can't eat chicken anymore. I asked him why and his response: "Chicken comes from chickens and that's mean Mom!" He was giving me this look of how could you be so cruel as to eat those poor little birdies, lol. Then when I was buying chicken at the grocery store tonight, he was telling me that he doesn't want to eat chicken. He is so goofy sometimes... :)

Sleepy time for me... Hope everyone has a great Wednesday!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Gaining Perspective

Before I get to the heart of the matter, let me say a quick word about Chicago & the BOOBs... it was AMAZING!!! I'm not gonna write a book about it at this point (seems kind of redundant after reading what everyone else wrote). But I did have a wonderful time meeting everyone and seeing a new city. Draz summed it up well with "life-changing," I know I will never be the same.
Fellow BOOBs that I have added on Facebook, please remember no one there knows about this blog (except all of you lol). And BOOBs I haven't added, feel free to add me... I've been trying to find everyone. :)

Do you ever feel like you need someone to smack you up side the head and point out all of the things that should be obvious, but aren't? Okay more like things that are obvious, but you don't want to see them.

That has been me for a few weeks now... needing someone to give me a reality check. And guess what... I gave myself one! Its no secret to anyone that I've been majorly down in the dumps. Putting on a (semi)happy face for Chicago was a bigger challenge than you can imagine. Coming home, I knew it was time to really figure out what is going on with me... what is making me so sad all the time... because how can I ever expect anything to change if I don't know the cause?

For the last week, I have chosen to go with the flow and quietly observe the people in my life... I mean who they REALLY are... what their ACTIONS say vs. the WORDS that come from their mouths. The vast difference in those two things and how they affect my moods has been really eye-opening.

This is the thing about me... I am the type of person that fully commits to relationships (of all types)... if I am in your life its 100%, NOT just when its convenient for me. When I make plans with you or agree to do something for you, nothing short of being near death with prevent me from doing it. Big or small - it doesn't matter - I'm gonna keep my word regardless of how inconvenient it may be to me personally. And I'm going to do it with a cheerful heart because that's how I am. I am also the type of person that pays attention to the wants and needs of others... if I'm out somewhere and see something I know someone needs/wants I will happily get it for them if I can... just because I care. Not always - but often - you will find my shopping cart filled with things for a variety of different people in my life. Again... its just how I am.

Sadly, I think I'm growing selfish. I feel like I want my turn - for someone to value me and my presence in their life the way I value them in mine. For someone to go that extra mile for me, even when its not convenient. Not all the time... just once in a while... so I know I matter to someone beyond what I have to offer them. And the thing is, I've realized most of the people in my life talk a really good game, but have very poor follow through (assuming the intent was ever truly there to begin with). It makes me sad to think how one sided things have become with certain people. I feel like I need equality... which it seems means to stop "doing" so much for other people... which feels selfish and totally NOT me. Or, alternatively, separating myself from people that primarily TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. I don't know what the solution is... but at least I have identified this as a major source of my sadness and my feelings of being unworthy lately. That's a start...

Honestly, I think that is probably one of the biggest issue for me right now... so much seems to stem from it. Here I am so busy doing for other people that I have completely slacked off on my house, home projects, hobbies, and most sadly... taking care of myself and my health. Everything related to me and my personal well-being seems to have taken a backseat to caring for and doing for others. Even if its selfish and changes who I am in some way that has to STOP! I can't be so wrapped up in other people that I lose myself and what matters to me... especially when those other people are the way they are.

Maybe the solution is this... to plan my life & my time to take care of me (and The Boy One of course) and only allow other people to fill the space I have left over. I suppose there is a happy medium somewhere, but right now I feel so burned out on "being there" and getting little to nothing in return I don't even want to think about a compromise. That's so not me, it sounds foreign to even think it aloud, much less type it. Is that terribly selfish of me? Does that make me a bad person?

Happy news... I drug my tush to the gym this afternoon and lived to tell about it. Seriously sad how long it had been since my last gym visit! I hopped right on the StairMaster and did 50 floors... I felt like I could have kept going, but didn't want to overdo it on my first day back. Wrapped things up with 30 minutes on a wuss bike. My body is definitely telling me that I've spent way too long out of the gym... though not as bad as I thought it might be.

More happy news from the gym... they finally have the plaque up for the Around the World Challenge! It lists the names of the people that completed the entire challenge this year... five names I believe... including mine, followed by that of my BFF! :)

And now I've just remembered the trash cans are still at the curb... I'd better drag them in before the housing Nazis attack, lol.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The BOOBS Questionnaire

Alright girls, its been too much planning, seriousness and anxiety (lol) in B.O.O.B.S. land lately, we think its high time we unhook the brassiers and let the 'girls' hang loose. It's time to "Rock-Out-With-Our Boobs-Out!"

I asked Gilly to come up with a few fun interview questions and she delivered. If you are up for a good time (and I know most of us are!) copy and post this to your blog!


Hi all of the boobie girls! Someone much more organized than I am thought it would be fun to know more about you, and she enlisted me to think of some crazy is sort of a Gillyified version of Drazil's BYOC. Knock yourselves out.

1) You're trapped on a desert island and can bring only 3 of your favorite foods along. What do you bring?

Chocolate, Cheese & Blueberries

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

My paternal grandparents (both passed away before my parents married) & because I have a bit of an obsession... Patrick Swayze. Ohhhh, I have to be a rule breaker and add Jon Bon Jovi to the list - I LOVE him!!!

3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

Tiffy Izett

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don't want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

Three months short of 18.

Least favorite since losing weight... lower tummy area & thighs

Most favorite since losing weight... back & hips

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

The jury is still out on ghosts for me. But I would NOT spend the night alone in a possibly haunted house. I don't even like to stay alone in my own house, lol.

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?

I'm a natural redhead... though the summer sun bleaches to a light strawberry blonde. I dye it, but always some shade of red.

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively... bikinis or granny panties?

Boxer briefs for him. Hipsters or thongs for me.

8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)

I suppose if trilogies don't count, then a miniseries would totally smash the rule huh. Guess I would have to go with Dirty Dancing (corny perhaps), but like I said I have a slight obsession.

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

Hmmm... I don't think I can make myself type the first thing that came to mind. It might make me blush, lol. Seriously, I plead the fifth!!! :-)

10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)

After today's visit to the scale.... 47.

Fun questions... two funny stories to share tomorrow... I'm off to bed.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A Dress for BOOBS

With just a couple days left to figure out what I'm taking to Chicago I drug myself out into the real world for a little shopping... the dress search yielded about four options and I ended up settling on this:
Sorry I don't have a pic of me in it, I tried unsuccessfully in the fitting room. The cut is flattering and it felt fairly comfy on... but OMG, it is soooooo short. Okay, probably not soooooo short, but compared to what I typically wear its SHORT, lol.

Without another shopping trip, this is the only alternative I have in my closet (at least that seems potentially nice enough):

I don't necessarily find this dress as figure friendly. But, it is longer and something I've comfortably worn several times.
What do you think? Which one is the winner?
Decisions. Decisions.

Three Things

After I wrote my post last night, I actually went to bed and slept until the alarm went off! The first decent sleep I've had in a good two weeks at least; guess getting it out there really does help. One of the things I like about blogging at night is that I almost always wake up to comments... which make me happy and are a good way to start my day. Well this morning there were no comments and I was a little bummed, but they trickled in as I was getting The Boy One ready for school (and throughout the day) and I'm so thankful for each one of them. The encouragement and support means so much to me... so if you took the time to comment THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Several of you mentioned that antidepressants might help. That is something I have thought myself, in the past when I went through little phases like this, and even during this one. I don't know why that seems like admitting defeat or weakness to me and I always shy away from the idea. Or maybe its that The Husband's grandmother was addicted to antidepressants and other prescription drugs and I'm afraid it would freak him out if I were on one. But, if I don't pull myself out of this state by the end of the month, I will go to the doctor... I simply can't keep going on like this.

Chris had what I feel are excellent suggestions in her comment - to start with taking care of myself, then pick three things that required minimal time and just do them... start the ball rolling so to speak. I know I can't keep it exactly that simple with all I have to do between now and Chicago, but this is my plan for Tuesday-Thursday...

  • Start the by doing something for me... a walk, taking time to make a healthy breakfast, something that equates to taking good care of my body.
  • Make my list of three things that need to be done... thinking one related to The Husband, one related to The Boy One and one one related to the house. Low stress things for now.
  • Get those three things done.
  • After that, spend the remainder of the day doing things I truly enjoy - or I should say enjoy when I'm not a big ball of tears on the couch - like beading, scrapbooking, reading for pleasure, and dare I say it maybe even baking.

That's it... simple things that will hopefully make me start to feel a little better. I know I can't keep it exactly that simple with the trip to get ready for, but if I can do these few things to feel like I'm accomplishing something I think it will help.

My three things for today: unload/load the dishwasher, move all of the "extra" beverages & cereal to their shelves on the garage, and while not a schedule per say I did limit The Boy One's computer/video game time to one hour. Beyond that, the entire day I sat in front of the tv/computer... which isn't all bad, I actually took time to read a bunch of blogs which I enjoyed alot. Oh and I even let a friend come over for a little bit... one that would understand why she was finding me in last nights pjs at 7pm.


On another note, I think the nerves of Chicago have finally set in. I swear I wasn't nervous about it at all until I started reading other people's "fears" of what to wear and Draz's "Podunk" post, lol. I feel like I need to make an "emergency" trip to Seattle and find city clothes between now and Friday morning or pack nothing and take myself on a little shopping trip when I get there. In reality, I will pack from the clothes I already have... of which there is no shortage... and maybe try to see if I can find one new outfit to bring.

I am so excited for the trip - to meet everyone, to see a new city, to get away from the stress of home for a couple days - and jumping through last minute hoops to get there. My usual sitter had to cancel because her dad won't let her do overnight babysitting during the school year now. My ride to the airport bailed just yesterday.. apparently too busy to keep their word (whatever!). The first problem actually fixes the second problem. My Mom is coming to stay with The Boy One (which is yes more stress for me, topic for another post). But with her being here, my car won't be needed for the sitter so I can drive to the airport and leave it there. Its all coming together... just not quite the way I planned.

Found this quote online today... something to think about...

"We cannot love or be loved correctly until we love ourself correctly. Root for yourself. Love yourself. If you want to love and be loved the starting point of love begins with you."

Monday, September 20, 2010

What Came First...

The chicken or the egg???

That's pretty much how I'm feeling about the current state of affairs known as my life. Am I not taking care of myself because everything else is a mess or is everything else a mess because I'm not taking care of myself???

Something is wrong with ME. Why am I so sure of this?

The ME who is usually super organized with every detail of every event planned to the finest detail has more or less been floating at loose ends for the last several weeks. My meals haven't been planned in so long its embarrassing. Remember ME who usually measures all of her food out ahead of time and labels the packages with nutrition info? She has vanished, replaced by someone who is back to eating straight out of the package. My great kill myself at the gym plan has COMPLETELY gone down the tubes. Even outdoor physical activity has been nonexistent the last couple weeks.

Then there is the other part of my life - the Mom, wife, daughter, housekeeper part - and its not faring much better. Rather than keeping The Boy One on a schedule that helps him with his behavior etc, he has been getting away with way too much video game, tv and computer time. This is happening because I'm not getting his schedule figured out ahead of time & I don't have the mental energy to follow through with it even if I did get it done. While I try to pick up the phone every time The Husband calls, I miss it a lot (partly because he calls in the middle of the night) and I find myself "playing" on the computer for hours and "forgetting" to email him. Worse yet, here we are a little over halfway through deployment and I haven't sent him a single package or letter. (Insert side note: I got the first email from him today that said it was from ADC - guess that means he's really a Chief now lol). My Mom has to constantly remind me of stuff she needs me to do. Its so bad that I very nearly forgot the date of her court appointment, I never got in my phone and had totally spaced it. Well not totally true, I knew the date but didn't realize it was already pretty much here until the day before. Then there is the house... while its not nearly as bad as I've let it be in the past it is no where near the level of clean it was when deployment started. More than that though is all of the "projects" around the house I was planning to get to during deployment and I haven't even started the first one.

This past week especially there have been days when I literally would lie on the couch and couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Even the thought of going to my favorite little clothing store in town couldn't get my butt off the couch. I'm sad... my heart is heavy... my limbs feel heavy... my head feels on the verge of a migraine all the time... my chest wall pain is surfacing almost daily. I am not ME and I want ME back!

I think I know the cause... someone (well a couple of someones) hurt me very deeply... to the core of my soul... over a few week period immediately preceding the loss of ME. Even typing that makes me cry all over again. These were people that I considered friends and went way out of my way to help when they needed it. But, no matter how much I did or how I tried it was never enough or I was doing it for the wrong reasons or it was a crime when I wanted it to be my turn to get a little consideration... and worse than that they did everything in their power to alienate me from mutual friends. Its hard and it hurts me more than words can possibly express... it makes me want to close myself off from people so I don't have to feel pain anymore... but that is not ME and I want to be ME again.

I think I've written before about how hard it is for me to let go of hurt once it has happened and how it will plague me for a very long time. I need to learn to let go... of this hurt and a world of other hurts... so that I can be ME again. The million dollar question is HOW? How do I get out of this huge funk? Where do I start? Do I start with taking care of myself? Do I take care of everything and everyone else first (which is my usual pattern of behavior)? How do I get back to being ME????


On a happier note: The Boy One continues with his healthy ways. The were having a case lot sale at the Commissary and he chose a case of plain Cheerios over Cocoa Puffs! Bargain happy Mom was pleased... they ended up being $1.15 a box and we won't need cereal again til Christmas. :-)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I'm In Love!!!

Today was my Mom's trip to Bankruptcy Court, so I spent my morning driving her there... listening to her chatter... all the while mentally writing my next blog post. Then this happened...

We went to lunch... Mexican more precisely... and I fell head over heals in love... with this salad!

The Tapatia Salad

Menu Description: Carne asada, romaine lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, onion, corn, avocado, asparagus, black olives, whole beans, tortilla strips, ranchero cheese and their own vinegar dressing

Just to let you all know, when I go to Mexican I usually eat one of two entrees and don't even look at the menu, so the fact that I ended up ordering this salad is somewhat of an anomaly. This was a Mexican restaurant I've been to numerous times, but they had changed the menu since my last visit, so I actually took a look at the menu. The first thing that struck me is that they actually had new healthier choices - from Veggie fajitas to Spinach Enchiladas - all vegetarian. Then my eyes went down the page to salads - I've never seen a menu with so many salads - a dozen in all. When I visited LA a couple of years ago I had a steak salad at this little char-broil joint that I adored, so when I saw this salad I was hoping for a similar taste and decided to give it a shot.

What I got instead was quite seriously the BEST salad I have ever eaten in my life! Their menu description doesn't even begin to do it justice. The carne asada was very thinly sliced, super tender, very moist, and not even a hint of fat to be found. The asparagus was grilled to perfection... six whole pieces. The onions and tomatoes were diced small... almost like pico de gallo... with the corn mixed in. The vinegar dressing was just the right amount of tangy and didn't seem to have much oil in it. I swear this was the PERFECT salad!

I almost feel guilty for how much I loved this salad, lol. I mean how many times have you heard or been told that you shouldn't get your happiness from food? From the moment they set this salad in front of me, my entire mood changed. The presentation was so beautiful and such a surprise considering this is just your average Americanized Mexican restaurant we were sitting in. Then I took my first bite of it and literally fell head over heals in love! The way the flavors blended together was AMAZING!!! It was sooooo good, I was immediately torn between savoring each bite and shoveling in as much of the yummy flavor as I could as fast as I could. After the first couple of shoveled in bites, I settled down and opted to savor each and every bite that entered into my mouth. By the time I was done - I was well satisfied - and wanting to lick the plate. I swear if the guy had not come along to pick it up when he did, he may have found me finger licking it.

Believe it or not, there really is a point to me telling you all about this wonderful salad. The point is this, its been a really long time since I truly enjoyed eating a meal as much as this. Its always been one of my goals to only use (waste) calories on foods that were truly satisfying to the taste buds and enjoying this salad the way I did made me realize that I have really slacked off on that the last few months. I've been eating whatever happened to be available or what would pass for moderately healthy without giving enough thought to what the food really tasted like or if I was enjoying it. This salad serves as a wake up call to how far off track I have let myself get while attempting to please those around me. I have no idea what the calories/fat for the salad were (they didn't have nutritional info), but to me it doesn't matter as much as the wake up call it provided.

Quick note about scale day: I gained a pound in the last two weeks. Not what I would have liked to see, but what I expected for the effort (or lack of effort) I've given things the last few weeks.

Oh, I have news about my Mom and the BOOBS too. She no longer thinks I am going to be assaulted, strangled or killed during the course of the weekend. It only took explaining to her weekly since May what I was doing & why I was doing it. Some peoples mothers... lol.

Be back soon with my original - still in my brain - post...

Monday, September 13, 2010

Comfort Food Fest

On this cloudy, gray Sunday my BFF decided enough is enough and "forced" me to participate in Comfort Food Fest. So she didn't force me... more I allowed myself to indulge in a variety of foods that I usually limit to once in a while... all in the same night. We are talking HUGE quantities of pasta salad (have I ever mentioned that she makes the best pasta salad on the planet?), some tortilla chips & queso and a sizable bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream. Yes, I know bad, bad & more bad food choices... especially in the quantities and having them all in one huge meal.

But ya know what???

It was so nice to have someone care enough and want to spend a little of their time taking care of me that I would have eaten anything that was put in front of me.

Do I feel guilty for participating in Comfort Food Fest?

I feel guilty for a multitude of things... but this is not one of them.

One thing I do feel guilty about is my lack of blogging the last few months. Yes, summer was busy & time to write was a premium. Yes, there were days when I was plain & simply just too dang tired to do it. Yes, there were days (a few) when I literally had nothing on my mind to share. But, in all honesty, its more than that. The simple truth is that a lot of days I have chosen not to write because I was so miserable that I could hardly stand to be around myself, the thought of putting together a happy post was more than I could do, and the last thing I want is to be one of those people that writes negative post upon negative post. So I have sat in silence...

This is far from my first deployment... but its different in so many ways than any I have experienced before. Considering the state of my marriage for most of the last fifteen years, deployments have become something like a breath of fresh air for me - a time when I can breathe and be my true self for a few months. I still feel that sense of being able to breathe this time... its the being my true self part that I'm not feeling. I don't even know who or what that is anymore.

In the midst of being so sad and uncertain, I'm so thankful for a BFF that actually sees the need and takes the time to care even though she is incredibly busy. I hope everyone has someone they can turn to in time of need... because I'm once again reminded of how important that is... the difference it can make.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Cherry On Top Award

Today I was nominated for an award by Sarah at Simple, Sassy Sarah! Thanks Sarah!!!

The Rules for this award:

1. Answer the question: If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

Wow, just one thing? lol. I would go back to when The Husband was out of the house & I had the protection order against him... and I would choose to verify the things he told me rather than naively taking his word for it & letting him come back.

2. Pick 6 people and give them this award. You then have to inform the person that they have been selected for the award.

Drazil (of course, lol)






3. You have to thank the person (people) who gave you the award. Done! :)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Jeans n Stuff

First things first... NO, I have not hit a size 8 in jeans. It seems I should have worded more carefully in my last post. A few posts ago, I wrote about the deal I have with a buddy of mine that we can each get new jeans when we lose 15 pounds... so in my last post I was at 8 pounds to go for new jeans... which if my estimations are correct will be a size 10 or 12... probably a 12.

This week I chose to skip scale day... okay maybe I didn't exactly choose to... its more like I was too stressed out and rushed to take the time on my way out the door. We finally had the appointment at the Autism Center for The Boy One. The doctor there suggested some strategies for dealing with the aggression to try before we jump to medication. He also said that he suspects part of the aggression may be connected to puberty issues. So... we will try the strategies and see how that goes.

Oh, The Boy One had his final session of physical therapy today. They gave him a nice little certificate and a big choclate chip cookie. I know it may not seem like much to talk about... but for us its like a successful sports season or passing a tough class. He's worked so hard with her to get to where he is today and I'm a proud mama.

In other news... I got the results from my girlie exam... and now I'm on what my friend calls the "frequent prodding program." Abnormal cells means extra screening... yay me! Trying not to stress myself out about it because I know these things happen to a lot of women without it ever turning into anything serious. But there is the little girl in me that has been scared to death of the big C for longer than I can remember.

This week is all about getting back into the swing of a fall routine. This weekend is about planning my time, my meals, my workouts. Monday I will be back on track... no excuses... no getting sidetracked... no wasting time on people who bring me down.

One last thing... because its fall and I love to eat soup in the fall... Do you have a favorite homemade soup recipe to share? :)

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Because I Promised...

Because I promised that my next post would be a happy post... it has taken me a few days to gather myself. As I was logging on to blogger to post Wednesday morning, I also logged into Facebook. On Facebook, I found out that a man I have spent my whole life considering a grandpa had passed away the night before. This is a man that I associate more childhood memories with than I do with my biological grandfather or even my dad. As I have spent time reflecting, he is also one of the major people that was a part of the memories I do have with my dad. This is the man that I attribute my love of hiking and the spontaneous road trip to. He was the kind of guy that would wake up on a Saturday morning and decide the Church kids should go on an adventure & within an hour or two we'd all be out in the middle of no where somewhere. When my Dad was sick, he and his son (who both worked at the same company as my Dad) took turns making sure I still felt connected to that part of my life. I have been sad and cried tears... but I have also been thankful in the last few days. He was suffering so badly from Parkinson's for so many years.. and I know the suffering is over. I also know he is in a better place, with his Savior (as his grandson posted on facebook). Its totally one of those moments where the tears are for me and those that will feel the loss. He will be so missed, by so many... but I know his legacy will live on through all of the lives he touched.

Good news from scale day... that mean little box on the floor read 194 lbs!!!! That's a total of 7 lbs lost since I got home from my trip to Cali!!! Considering I've been slacking off on monitoring my food and not anywhere near my usual activity level, I'm extremely pleased. And this means... jeans in 8... so I'm almost half way there!!! I am so dying for new jeans its not even funny.. but I have resisted... had a great time finding tops at Value Village the other day though.

My Mom has The Boy One for a few days & I am mostly just enjoying time to be with my own thoughts and figure out what is good for ME! Its soooooo nice. Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend! :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Draz Has LONG Arms...

I swear its true... she has arms that can reach all the way to Washington and make me feel better. Okay not really, but her words do wonders. Earlier today, my Facebook status read "is hurting to the core of her soul right now and probably will be for a good while." Now keep in mind here that Draz is one of my only FB friends that I haven't personally met... and yet she is the first one to pop up and ask what's going on. When I tell her that its been a really rough day with The Boy One and need a hug, she immediately tells me to close my eyes and feel her arms. Reading that made me cry harder than I already was... but then I felt a little better. No, I couldn't literally feel her arms... but her words and the few seconds it took her to type them helped so much.

The truth is... rough day with The Boy One is an understatement. Though my physical injuries are not as severe as the last time, I think in some ways it was actually worse. What instigated it was his extreme fear and anxiety over meeting a new therapist. And though he didn't strike me as hard as before (I was better positioned and prepared), it did go on longer and he was more aggressive in nature... literally jumping up off the couch to come after me. Eventually he slammed into his room and I could hear stuff flying. I was certain I would walk into the room to find damage to the walls and/or door... but luckily everything seems to be okay. His room, however, is a worse disaster than it was before. Clearly we never made it to meet the new therapist. I told him if we didn't go he was going to responsible for paying the missed appointment fee with his own money... which he happily did. Apparently $10 was worth it to stay home from meeting the new therapist. Beyond that, he isn't in trouble per say... I don't know how to discipline for it when it was clearly caused by his fear of meeting someone new & not tied to anything I can take away from him. We did have a long talk about what can happen if this type of behavior continues and he seemed genuinely scared by the prospects. Still, I don't know if any of it is enough to keep him from lashing out the same way again.

If there is a bright side to this trying day, it might be this... I've had no appetite, no interest in food. So scale day may be extra kind to me tomorrow. I took a peek earlier today and it was already looking favorable, so hopefully I will have good news to report soon.

And a funny story to finish... supplied by The Boy One (after his meltdown)... when asked if he wanted leftover meat and baked potato for dinner, he informed me that he isn't eating meat anymore. When I questioned him, he said its mean to eat animals like pigs. So I asked him if he is going to b3become a vegetarian and he said yes. Then a couple minutes later he asked for a cheeseburger, lol. When I reminded him that hamburger comes from cows, he was like "that's okay, just no pigs for me." Now the question is when do I burst his bubble? He LOVES bacon!

I swear I'm writing you all a happy post tomorrow! :)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Summer Craziness!

Here I am again - looking at how many days its been since I last posted - thinking how could it really have been so long?!?! August has been a crazy month, well the whole summer really, but this month in particular. In light of previous posts about my home situation and several long discussions with trusted friends I decided that I needed to start taking care of some long over due things... like trips to the doctor and dentist while I have good coverage... which has opened up all sorts of new heartache. Like I have any more energy to deal with stress or heartache... seriously its amazing I'm not eating whole pizzas and Costco packs of chocolate.

The routine - lets get a checkup - appointment at the doctor turned into two referrals to specialists, extensive blood work and the decision to go off the pill and get Mirena instead. Specialist #1 is to get spot removed off my eyelid - but guess what - since it can't be done on base the insurance won't cover it. Specialist #2 is to look at some suspicious spots on my skin. Yes, I know I'm whiter than the paper in my printer... so yeah I'm a little concerned about this. **** TMI ALERT **** Mirena is a good thing - I mean no remembering to take a pill and I don't feel sick from taking the pill - TOM came to visit within a couple days after I got it and stopped taking the pills... and has yet to leave - two weeks later. UGH!!!

The dentist was/is a nightmare. Quick back story: My Mom never took care of my oral health or took me to a dentist growing up and as a result I have extensive problems with my teeth. During my adult life we have spent thousands trying to correct the damage... all to no avail apparently. The dentist did his routine exam and recommended removing all of the upper teeth and almost all of the lower ones as well. Its one of those things where I knew the day was coming, but hearing it from him brought back all of the anger and hurt I have spent my whole life feeling toward my Mom over this. When the physical pain of it gets bad, the anger always resurfaces. There was NO excuse for not taking me to a dentist or at least making sure I had a toothbrush and toothpaste. So now... our out of pocket expense to do what the dentist says I need done is a little over $6,200!!! Besides the anger and hurt with my Mom over this... it makes me feel trapped in a situation I don't want to be in. The only bright side at all is I talked to him about it and he said to do whatever it takes to get the money to pay for it... even selling some of his precious sports card collection (but then I feel guilty about that idea with everything else going on in my mind).

The Husband Update... in his words... "I made it, I finally made it!" That's the call I got from him about two weeks ago when he called to tell me he made Chief. Its a big accomplishment and regardless of everything else, I'm still proud of him. He's worked hard for it and because of choices he made for the sake of the family a lot of people thought he would never make it. Deployment is half over... I have mixed feelings about that... as I'm sure you can imagine if you've read my previous posts.

In healthy living news... I've managed to get my butt out the door and be active almost every day since I last posted. The weather has been pretty amazing and having the beach a five minute walk from the house helps tremendously. We did the walk on ferry ride across the water and walked all over the little town there - including up and down this steep staircase a few times. While The Boy One was staying with Grandma I drove up toward the mountains a did a couple of short hikes - both in very safe, well travelled places. We've been beach & fort exploring all over the island. I'm so thankful that there are so many good active outings close to home - its really a fantastic place to live during the summer.

Food has been kind of hit or miss the last few weeks. At home, I've been eating healthy enough for the most part... other than my current ice cream fetish, lol. The problem is too much restaurant food... too much good restaurant food. With being a little careful about my menu choices, only eating foods that I truly enjoy the taste of, skipping appetizers and desserts, and choosing water I think even the restaurant splurges haven't done that much damage.

Since I got home from my trip to Cali, I've lost 5 lbs... so I'm not going to complain. That said, I am looking forward to school starting so I can get back to a better routine - with less restaurant food and MORE gym time... its scary (in a good way) how much I miss that place.

Time for a little blog speed reading... I've missed so much in this summer craziness... hope everyone is doing well! :)

Monday, August 9, 2010

Adios to the 200s... AGAIN! & Vacation Report At Last

Again... and for the absolute LAST time... I have said farewell to a number on the scale that starts with 2. I swear it will NEVER, EVER happen again! When I hopped on the scale this morning and it read 198.8 I could have done a happy dance... it was a like a huge sigh of relief to see that I am recovering fairly quickly from my vacation gain.

Jeans in 15 has now become jeans in 12.8.

And back to the vacation.. long overdue... but I want to share my adventure with you. It was seriously one of the most active vacations I've ever been on... which I guess is why I was a little surprised by the amount I gained (even though I ate like a pig at way too many good restaurants). Sorry I don't have pictures to add at the moment, they are stuck on a different computer. :(

Day one of my vacation, I went to preschool, lol. My niece is a preschool teacher and she had one more day of work before her vacation started. We took the kids to a park to play, it was about a six block walk each direction. Then on her lunch hour we walked about four blocks each way to get food. Oh and that night after she was off work we went to REI and I got some awesome hiking boots on clearance for a great deal (I LOVE me a bargain!).

Day two was antique stores, bead store & laundry... nothing too exciting.

Day three we took the ferry from Oakland to Fisherman's Wharf. We walked all over, including a several block trek to find a Starbucks (apparently its the only coffee she finds to be worth drinking). That would also be the day we ate at both Bubba Gump and the Hard Rock Cafe.... and I don't regret a single food choice I made that day.

Day four we visited Point Reyes Lighthouse out on the California coast. It was breathtakingly beautiful & freezing cold. The winds were intense and even though we had bundled for winter, it was still chilly. The walk from the parking area to the lighthouse area is something near a mile I think. But its the trek from there to the lighthouse that makes this an intense active experience, they even have a sign posted warning people how strenuous it is. The stairs that lead to the lighthouse are equal to a 30-story building! Going down was naturally easier than coming up. Before we started back up, I joked that we were about to put all my stairmaster time to the test. Turns out that all the effort on the stairmaster really has paid off... I was able to easily do the 30 stories back up & actually sprinted most of the way. When I got to the top I was barely even breathing hard & didn't break a sweat!!!! Seriously a year ago even, that would have been a VERY different story! I was pretty proud of myself and even considered going back to the bottom to do it a second time. Truthfully the only that stopped me was the wind blowing 40mph all around me. If you ever get the chance to visit, do it! Its so worth it, both from the exercise standpoint and the sheer beauty of the place.

Day five was another AWESOME day! We started out by meeting my brother and sister in law for lunch. I hadn't seen my brother for a couple years, thought I wasn't going to see him this trip, so this was a great surprise for me. After lunch, we set out for the Golden Gate Bridge. We parked and took some pictures from the park that overlooks the bridge. Let's just say I wasn't thinking clearly, 40mph winds up there and I was in shorts and a little tank top. By the time I got back to the car I couldn't feel my fingers. Next, we walked across both spans of the bridge to the San Fransisco side and back.... round trip is right around four miles. For the walk I was smart enough to grab a jacket, but my legs were like giant icicles by the time we got back to the car. Walking across the bridge was amazing... it totally ranks right up there with top moments in my life. There was just something about experiencing such a well-known historic landmark in that way that is hard to put into words.

By day six, I was admittedly a bit on the sore side after two really active days in a row. But nevertheless, we went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. It was a lot of fun. We saw the dolphin show and whale show. The dolphins drenched me, so I spent the rest of the day drying out... not so fun. This was another one of those little victories... being able to truly experience and enjoy the park with NO worries about fitting on the rides. Its amazing how something so simple can lead to such feelings of freedom and inner-peace.

So there it is... the run down on the most active vacation of my life. All in all it was a great trip and I have to say in addition to being the most active... it was also the most fulfilling vacation I've ever been on.

Next stop on my travels.... CHICAGO!!! I can't wait...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Emotional Overload

Those two words pretty much sum up my life right now. Besides all of the other stuff I've shared recently there is an additional situation wreaking havoc on my heart. If I've never mentioned it before... let it be known I have little ability to cope with rejection and am extremely easily hurt. Once hurt, healing the hurt is next to impossible... I may squash it down and try to put it in the back of my mind... but honestly it NEVER really goes away.

And right now I've been attacked and rejected for no other reason than the fact that I exist... and I'm hurt... beyond hurt. Its all I could do to make it through the day without breaking down in tears. It was so bad that even the idea of retail therapy held no appeal - after all that would have required gathering myself enough to enter a store and pretend to happy (or at least not falling apart).

This is the thing... I've put myself in a bubble of sorts to avoid feelings of hurt. As bad as things are here sometimes with The Husband - he may get under my skin, irritate the crap out of me, make me want to scream in aggravation - he has pretty much zero ability left to hurt me emotionally (I suspect because I am so emotionally detached from him). Things that happen with The Boy One may hurt my heart because I wish things could be easier or better for him & they may bring up tough to swallow emotions connected to what his father did to me... but they don't hurt ME in terms of who I am. Even my Mom's ability to hurt me is diminished as I've come to terms with who she is and why she acts the way she does. Unfortunately there are still people that have the ability to hurt me... dang it!

And as if that isn't enough on its own... I get this phone call from The Husband. He is completely freaking out over a status I put on Facebook a few days ago - something about considering options. Of course his mind automatically jumps to the wrong conclusions and he goes off on me telling me how inappropriate it was for me to put that when he is thousands of miles away. Seriously, that could have been about a hundred different things - it was actually about something to do with my blog (more on that later) - no need to get your boy panties in a bunch. Classic example of something that irritates me, but has no ability to hurt me. Yes, there was a day when I would have been crushed at what he was implying, but that time has passed I guess.

The emotions of the day (the last couple really) definitely have had an impact. Food was miserable today- Mexican for lunch followed by pizza for dinner. On the bright side, I didn't snack during the day or evening and I limited myself to two pieces of pizza at dinner. Yesterday exercise was more or less non-existent. Tonight, I drove across town and walked on the beach for an hour or so as the sun was setting and even dipped my feet in the water. It was absolutely gorgeous... so wish I'd grabbed my camera from the car when I got there. The fresh air was wonderful and it felt good to move... even if it wasn't an intense workout & probably didn't burn too many calories.

My big weekend plans are a trip to Crate & Barrel and I'm finally going to go visit a bead store in Seattle I've been dying to get to for months now. Yay! Besides that, I'm gonna chill with The Boy One and catch up on more blogs... I'm sooooo far behind.

One final thing to mention... I FINALLY bought my plane ticket for Chicago... after getting reassurance from Draz that she isn't going to chicken out (I can't be the only band-less one there, I need her to eat with me, lol).

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Victoria Secret, Shaving & Jeans in 15

That's the deal I struck with a friend of mine tonight... new jeans for both of us when we each lose 15 pounds. This was his pronouncement tonight... his way of pacing his spending since the jeans he's eyeing are over $300. Seriously, who buys jeans for $300???? Let's just say he shops at Nordstrom while I spend my time in Ross, lol. Anyway, it seemed like a good idea and I agreed to it... cuz let me tell you all right now I did plenty of shopping on my vacation. No joke - I had to go to Ross & buy another suitcase to come home. Thank goodness I flew Southwest so I could check a second bag without paying.

Margatini Night was lots of fun. Our favorite bartender wasn't there, but the chick didn't do too bad with our drinks. I think the waiter had a serious crush on my BFF and we took full advantage... pretty sure he was blushing under that dark skin of his, lol. Then there was the guy sitting across from us that had statue of liberty hair, high water pants & socks pulled up to his knees. Oh and I can't forget the waitress flitting around the restaurant that had her hair done to look like a Holly Hobbie doll. It all combined for a much needed giggle for both of us.

The time has come... to share the story of my most recent visit to Victoria Secret. Let me start by saying that I'm standing there digging through the baskets of discounted bras & across the table from me is this very uncomfortable looking guy with his wife/girlfriend. The woman and I are both loading up on the pretty colored bras in our respective sizes. She then starts pulling out some neutral, beige ones. He looks at them, frowns and says something about those not being nearly as sexy as the colored ones. Without even thinking, I look up and say to him... "bras aren't always about sex appeal for the guy; girls need them for function too ya know." The poor guy (who I have little sympathy for) turned about six shade of red, lol.

After gathering my arm load of possibilities I headed to the fitting room... which was an experience in itself. Eight bras all in my supposed size... the first one was so tight I would have been lucky to squeeze one of the girls into the darn thing! It was so darn tight, I literally felt like the life was being squeezed out of me... I swear it was really mismarked, some one's idea of a joke or I was being secretly video taped. Bras 2-5 all had enough extra room for me to grow into (no thank you). Number six turned out to be pure perfection... good fit, a smidge of wiggle room, no spillage and flaming red! I didn't bother trying the last two. Now what to do with the flaming red bra?!? Well go out and find matching panties of course, lol.

The best part of the Victoria Secret experience... I managed to totally avoid the over helpful sales girl that wanted to come in there and feel me up. Pretty sure I can happily live the rest of my life without the sales girl coming to adjust things for me. That ranks right up there with my "love" of female OB docs... would so rather have a guy digging around down there (sorry if that's TMI)... is that weird?

And since my post is spiraling toward the gutter... I just as well share this too... an NSV of sorts.

There I was in the bathroom - shortly before my trip - shaving the whootananny region. SIDE NOTE: Is it bad that I now think of Draz and her "powder" experiment every time I'm doing this? Anyway... I realized as I was shaving... OMG, I can see everything now!!!! I don't know when that happened... but wow in an oh um sorta way, lol! 50 pounds ago, 40 pounds ago, 30 pounds ago... I had to use a mirror when I was shaving if I wanted to see everything... so this is HUGE.

Enough gutter talk... next up is a vacation report. For now though, I must go fall into bed...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

It Felt Good...

Despite a rough start to the day - I accidentally turned off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button - by 12:45pm I was headed out the door to the gym. As I was puttering around the house - getting my shoes on, water bottle filled, post workout snack packed - I realized that I was already feeling energized. It felt good to go through the steps to prepare for a workout. It felt good to walk into the gym and see familiar faces. It felt good to climb on an elliptical machine and get moving. It felt good to have sweat running down my back (and I hate sweat, lol). It felt good to peddle on the bike. It felt unbelievably good to get in there and do a solid workout - not my best and not the most intense- but solid nonetheless... 30 minutes elliptical and 35 minutes on the bike.

Today was the first day in way too many days that I ate NOTHING from a restaurant or convenience store. Breakfast was a bagel thin with laughing cow cheese & some blueberries. I had some trex mix for a post workout snack. Lunch wasn't the best... a quesadilla with white tortillas and too much full fat cheese... but at least it didn't come from a restaurant. Dinner was grilled chicken salad with turkey bacon & 2% cheddar. Then after dinner I made some lemon poppy-seed muffins... which I proceeded to eat way too many of... the good news they are only about 40 calories each. Still, I'm pleased with the day overall... I avoided restaurants, sugary soda and was pretty healthy for two of my three meals.

I felt more like "me" than I have in a long time today. It felt good to make & execute a plan... It felt good to put healthy foods into my body (if we ignore the quesadilla). It feels good to get to the end of the day and not be beating myself up over caving into the temptation of a drive-thru on my way home from the gym. And high on the list of things that felt good today... all of the warm welcome backs I received from you... those comments mean so much.

Thursday is a busy day with therapy for The Boy One and Margatini night with my BFF. I don't know if I've explained margatini night before... we go to Applebees 3-4 times a month, she drinks a martini, I drink a margarita... so we named it margatini night. I generally try to eat one of their "healthier" options. I've had the steak and chicken from their 550 calorie menu.... any other ideas on tasty meals there? I'm kind of in the mood to try something new & definitely want to stick to a healthier choice.

And just for Draz... because I adore her so much... I'm finally writing my Victoria Secret post. :)

Here I am

Did you all think I was lost forever? I was beginning to think so. Things have gone from busy, busy to insanely hectic. I wrote my "secrets" post, went to the dinner, and then before I knew it my vacation day had arrived. I've been home for a few days and am slowly settling into a normal routine.... whatever "normal" is.

The dinner was interesting... the topic of what happened to me didn't come up, but he came up in conversation. Something I never knew at the time - he was physically abusive to her during their marriage. To the point that to this day, she can't be tickled or restrained. It makes me think that in some way I was conditioned to end up in an abusive relationship... that being one of the primary examples of a relationship I saw growing up. Bottom line, I survived the dinner and didn't feel overly traumatized by it...

As far as stepping out of the shadows goes... I'm thinking long and hard on a lot of things. Knowing what you should do intellectually is so much easier than actually doing it... and there are so many warring factors rattling around in my brain & heart. I feel like I'm trapped on a huge roller coaster that dives every time I have something figured out. Seriously think its time to find a new shrink...

Trying to get back into the swing of things after vacation (which I must share about soon) has been a challenge. The good news is The Boy One did amazingly well with the sitter for the whole week! More good news, vacation was very active for me! Now for the not so good news... I hate a TON of yummy food while I was gone - Cheesecake Factory, Bubba Gump, Hard Rock Cafe, In-n-Out (twice), IHOP, a couple Mexican places, the best sushi place ever... not to mention my niece made pancakes for breakfast almost every morning. I stepped on the scale with tightly clenched fists this morning... to see a number I swore I would never see again unless I was pregnant - 201. Seriously, I could cry and cry and cry and cry! This is NOT good! I am so disappointed in myself. I mean I know it was vacation and all, but really?!? And when you hear about all the active stuff we did, you're gonna know that I must have been eating for a small village to gain so much weight.

After the shocker on the scale... and after drying the literal river that flowed in the bathroom as a result... I went to Safeway where chicken was on sale for really cheap and the commissary. Now the house is stocked with plenty of healthy options to last until payday. I already planned my Wednesday for a full workout at the gym and an evening walk. Enough settling in time... its time to get back to business. For now I"m going to take all freakin 201 pounds of me to bed... sleep is a good thing. Looking forward to catching up with everyone. Thanks for not abandoning me in my absence. :)

Friday, July 9, 2010

A Quick Note...

Because I'm a tech-loving girl, all of my email notifications for comments naturally come straight to my phone. Anyone who has been around me when one of these notifications have come through since my last post probably things I'm a certifiable emotional wreck by now. The love, support and kind words from all of you has bee nothing short of amazing. This community of bloggers is truly without comparison...

Sunday night/Monday morning, I will be posting a follow up to that post (go here if you haven't read it), but I just wanted to let everyone know that I am hanging in there... continuing to "feel" my emotions... and mostly how thankful I am for all of the wonderful support.

Happy news of the day... I got a new Hungry Girl cookbook... so when I get back from Cali I will have more new recipes to try. My big weekend plan is to get out and enjoy the weather... I swear if I don't get my feet in some sand and water tomorrow there are gonna be serious problems, lol.

Oh and I must start considering packing for my trip... 7 days in Cali... how many outfits could one girl possibly need??????

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Secrets Revealed...

but not the ones Draz has been waiting for. The report on Victoria and her secrets is gonna have to wait... again. Sorry Drazil... but I've got bigger fish to fry today. If I can force myself to write this, I'm about to be honest with myself and all of you in a way I've never been...

On this beautiful sunny day, rather than being outside enjoying the fantastic weather... I'm sitting inside thinking of dark, horrid days.... the days of abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse.

Why am I thinking about these things?

The short answer is that they are never far from my mind. Current events are making the thoughts harder to shove aside.

Tonight I am invited to dinner at the home of someone I spent most of my teen years loving like a second mother. Someone that I have barely spoken to and even more rarely seen as an adult.
She is the now ex-wife of the man that sexually abused me... Why am I doing this? Well, I was invited and I thought I'd be okay with it. But guess what, as the time gets closer I'm realizing I'm really not so okay with it. Just knowing that I'm going to go there and be around this woman and her daughter has my mind racing with emotions that I thought were long buried.

This family became like a second family to me and my Mom after my Dad passed away. They were junior high youth group leaders at Church. They were the type of leaders that had the group over to their home often, took us on camping trips, to concerts, all the fun times you can dream up. As soon as I was old enough, I became the primary babysitter for their three children. The man worked for a well-known computer company at the time and also did video production on the side. At 12-13 years old, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world when he would let me stay up half the night with him, watching while he was working on whatever video project he was involved with. There in that video room is where the abuse began. It started so simply (a touch on the arm that lingered too long) and progressed to things that need not be spoken of over the next five years.

The shame I carry over that time in my life is immense. I feel responsible for the fact that this man went on to sexually abuse both of his daughters. I feel like I betrayed his wife, that I loved so dearly. I know they say the child is always the victim and its NEVER their fault. At 12, perhaps I was innocent... but there has always been this part of me that feels like as I became a teenager and allowed it to continue I became partially responsible. I mean I could have put an end to it at any time... I could have stopped allowing him to take me places... I could have stopped agreeing to go babysit when I knew the wife would be away... I could have opened my mouth and said something. But nope, I kept allowing him to take me to concerts, I kept going there to babysit, I kept my mouth shut, I kept it a secret. I allowed him to continue to be a part of my life... to the point that he did my wedding video as a gift and they hosted our rehearsal dinner. It wasn't until after I had been married a few months that I finally told The Husband the truth & then eventually my Mom found out. Over the years, it has become apparent that he was a predator and I was one of several girls that he was sexually abusing at the time. He's married to one of them now... how sick is that? Still... I can't let go of the shame...

I am going to go to this dinner & do my best to leave the past where it is... maybe seeing that they have moved on and are living happy lives will help me heal.


Last night was a bad night with The Boy One. He became violently upset - kicking and hitting me - over having to turn off his video game. He managed to kick me 8-12 times in the hip area and I'm pretty badly bruised as a result. These outbursts are becoming more and more frightening the bigger he gets. This is the worst he has ever hurt me (I couldn't sleep on that side because it hurt too much to lie on it and today it hurts to sit because of it). Besides being scared for what the future holds (I can't let him keep doing this to me, but I don't know how to stop it), the severity of the incident takes me right back to all the feelings and emotions of the abuse I've suffered at his father's hands.

I know I've eluded to physical/mental abuse in my past before... without the details. That was out of respect for The Husband and his extreme sensitivity about his privacy... but this is about me and I can't do it anymore. I can't sweep it all under the rug as a part of my past when, to a degree, it is still very much a part of my present.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this year... and for most of those 15 years I have been every bit the battered wife in one sense or another. The first five months of our marriage were pretty wonderful, then he went on deployment and came back a different man. Keep in mind this wasn't war time & he was deployed to a beautiful tropical island... paradise as he called it. Within three months of his return the physical abuse started. It started with a little push and being restrained when I wanted to move. Over the years, it progressed to repeated choking incidents and being pummelled in the back til I fell in a ball to the floor. There came a point where he was arrested, the Navy put him through their DV program and alcohol treatment, he was a "good boy" for a year and in the eyes of the law its like none of it ever happened... never mind the fact that I have permanent damage in my back as a result. Despite a couple of borderline physical incidents recently, I've told myself for years that the abuse was over. The thing is... that's a lie! Its not really over! The abuse has just changed from physical to emotional. I am controlled in new ways and made to feel like the bad person more than ever if I choose to stand up for myself or The Boy One.

Last night's incident with The Boy One forces me think about these things and face things I don't want to face...


You might be wondering what all of this has to do with losing weight or being healthy. I know these events have deeper impact than I'm going to go into right now. But quickies for now... Even as a teenager, I was on the plump side and I think part of me hoped that if I grew plump enough this guy that sexually abused me would turn his attention elsewhere (he had a major problem with "fat" people). When you live with an abusive person, you typically do what they want, when they want... and don't rock the boat by doing things such as taking care of yourself or demanding dietary changes. Perhaps this is why I was able to finally began losing weight and being healthier when he was gone... just a thought.

For now... I'm going to get out the door and enjoy some of this beautiful weather... and think about what it would mean to step out of the shadows of my life and start truly living...