Gaining Perspective

Before I get to the heart of the matter, let me say a quick word about Chicago & the BOOBs... it was AMAZING!!! I'm not gonna write a book about it at this point (seems kind of redundant after reading what everyone else wrote). But I did have a wonderful time meeting everyone and seeing a new city. Draz summed it up well with "life-changing," I know I will never be the same.
Fellow BOOBs that I have added on Facebook, please remember no one there knows about this blog (except all of you lol). And BOOBs I haven't added, feel free to add me... I've been trying to find everyone. :)

Do you ever feel like you need someone to smack you up side the head and point out all of the things that should be obvious, but aren't? Okay more like things that are obvious, but you don't want to see them.

That has been me for a few weeks now... needing someone to give me a reality check. And guess what... I gave myself one! Its no secret to anyone that I've been majorly down in the dumps. Putting on a (semi)happy face for Chicago was a bigger challenge than you can imagine. Coming home, I knew it was time to really figure out what is going on with me... what is making me so sad all the time... because how can I ever expect anything to change if I don't know the cause?

For the last week, I have chosen to go with the flow and quietly observe the people in my life... I mean who they REALLY are... what their ACTIONS say vs. the WORDS that come from their mouths. The vast difference in those two things and how they affect my moods has been really eye-opening.

This is the thing about me... I am the type of person that fully commits to relationships (of all types)... if I am in your life its 100%, NOT just when its convenient for me. When I make plans with you or agree to do something for you, nothing short of being near death with prevent me from doing it. Big or small - it doesn't matter - I'm gonna keep my word regardless of how inconvenient it may be to me personally. And I'm going to do it with a cheerful heart because that's how I am. I am also the type of person that pays attention to the wants and needs of others... if I'm out somewhere and see something I know someone needs/wants I will happily get it for them if I can... just because I care. Not always - but often - you will find my shopping cart filled with things for a variety of different people in my life. Again... its just how I am.

Sadly, I think I'm growing selfish. I feel like I want my turn - for someone to value me and my presence in their life the way I value them in mine. For someone to go that extra mile for me, even when its not convenient. Not all the time... just once in a while... so I know I matter to someone beyond what I have to offer them. And the thing is, I've realized most of the people in my life talk a really good game, but have very poor follow through (assuming the intent was ever truly there to begin with). It makes me sad to think how one sided things have become with certain people. I feel like I need equality... which it seems means to stop "doing" so much for other people... which feels selfish and totally NOT me. Or, alternatively, separating myself from people that primarily TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. I don't know what the solution is... but at least I have identified this as a major source of my sadness and my feelings of being unworthy lately. That's a start...

Honestly, I think that is probably one of the biggest issue for me right now... so much seems to stem from it. Here I am so busy doing for other people that I have completely slacked off on my house, home projects, hobbies, and most sadly... taking care of myself and my health. Everything related to me and my personal well-being seems to have taken a backseat to caring for and doing for others. Even if its selfish and changes who I am in some way that has to STOP! I can't be so wrapped up in other people that I lose myself and what matters to me... especially when those other people are the way they are.

Maybe the solution is this... to plan my life & my time to take care of me (and The Boy One of course) and only allow other people to fill the space I have left over. I suppose there is a happy medium somewhere, but right now I feel so burned out on "being there" and getting little to nothing in return I don't even want to think about a compromise. That's so not me, it sounds foreign to even think it aloud, much less type it. Is that terribly selfish of me? Does that make me a bad person?

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Happy news... I drug my tush to the gym this afternoon and lived to tell about it. Seriously sad how long it had been since my last gym visit! I hopped right on the StairMaster and did 50 floors... I felt like I could have kept going, but didn't want to overdo it on my first day back. Wrapped things up with 30 minutes on a wuss bike. My body is definitely telling me that I've spent way too long out of the gym... though not as bad as I thought it might be.

More happy news from the gym... they finally have the plaque up for the Around the World Challenge! It lists the names of the people that completed the entire challenge this year... five names I believe... including mine, followed by that of my BFF! :)

And now I've just remembered the trash cans are still at the curb... I'd better drag them in before the housing Nazis attack, lol.