What Kind of Friend Are You?

Yesterday, Dawn over at Fixing Myself Thinner, wrote a single sentence that sums up the way I view life & my relationships with people - in summary - that she gives to others (in blogland) what she would like to receive in return. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated. That's me. That's what I do.

She went on to say that she had to "lose some of the things that would drive her to eat." One of those things being a people pleaser. While I don't think being a "people pleaser" necessarily drives me to eat, as I have recently mentioned, I know it has hindered my healthful efforts.

I hope she doesn't mind me paraphrasing her here... but her post was exactly what I needed to read after the events of Saturday. I needed to see that I'm not alone in the way I think and treat people... or in what I hope to receive in return. I needed to see - through someone else's success - that its okay to make changes in my relationships with people for my own benefit. I needed her words!

As you probably know, I've been observing and reevaluating a lot of my relationships since returning home from Chicago. I'm reaching the limits of tolerating one-sided friendships. Saturday was a boiling point with one such friendship. After months of being there for this friend - with my time, resources & wallet - she more or less indicated that she is not comfortable coming to my house (because she doesn't have her things here & I have different rules for kids in my house)... that if I want to hang out I will have to do 100% of the traveling. Lame reasons if you ask me & I couldn't take it any more. I pretty much told her that if that's how its going to be then she can expect not to be seeing me or having my help from now on. While I may be willing to do the majority of the visiting - because of logistics - I am not up for it being my sole responsibility.

This led to her attacking me for my decision to stay here with The Husband. She doesn't know of the posts I've written here on the matter & how torn I am about what the "right" thing is. She knows that I am here still - in part - because staying allows me to be available to The Boy One in a way I wouldn't be able to if I had to work to support us. She knows what a difference it made in his functioning when I did the temporary job in the Spring & that it took weeks for him to "recover" from it. She knows that I have several serious health concerns going on right now & having medical/dental coverage is critical for me with those things. Still... knowing all of this she told me "your reasons for staying are bullshit reasons & you deserve what you get!"

Pretty much I felt like she was saying my LIFE is not a good reason to stay. Realizing that my very life could be of such little consequence to someone I have considered a dear friend for years was soul crushing. To the point where I can understand a person who wants a physical pain to match their emotional pain.

Thinking about her & our friendship since this conversation, I realized something big. One of those things you blind yourself to because if you see it you have to deal with it. She is a classic example of words vs. actions. The type of person who says all the right things, but rarely backs up what she says without her actions. I don't know why it took me so long to open my eyes and see it. At this point, I don't know what will become of our "friendship," but for now I know that have to severely distance myself from this person. To do anything else would be pouring salt in the gaping wound her thoughtlessness created.

Since I'm on the friend topic, I want to share one more thing. When I was preparing for the trip to Chicago, my Mom made the comment about how weird it was to take such a trip to meet people that weren't "real" friends. I keep thinking about that statement in light of what happened with my "friend" over the weekend. To me a real friend is someone who supports, encourages, loves and wants the best for you. In a very REAL way, all of you here in blogland are my "real" friends. We support, encourage & want the best for each other... in my mind it doesn't get much more REAL than that. It doesn't matter that I haven't met many of you... I still think of you as friends in every sense of the word.

So, to my REAL FRIENDS in blogland... thank you for your love, support & encouragement. I hope that I can be the friend to you that you have been to me.