My Eats

How "The Accidental Fat Chick" Hatched...

Welcome to The Accidental Fat Chick's new online home!

During the summer 0f 2008, I woke up one morning with a drive to live a healthy lifestyle. Since then, I've made many changes and lost nearly 50 pounds. Many of my friends and family members have come to me, asking about what I'm doing & how I'm doing it. While I certainly would never claim to be an expert, I'm happy to share what I've learned along the way.

So after careful thought... "The Accidental Fat Chick" has hatched... with the hope of helping at least one person and to be the accountability I need to finish what I started. :)

Thank you for visiting!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

What Came First...

The chicken or the egg???

That's pretty much how I'm feeling about the current state of affairs known as my life. Am I not taking care of myself because everything else is a mess or is everything else a mess because I'm not taking care of myself???

Something is wrong with ME. Why am I so sure of this?

The ME who is usually super organized with every detail of every event planned to the finest detail has more or less been floating at loose ends for the last several weeks. My meals haven't been planned in so long its embarrassing. Remember ME who usually measures all of her food out ahead of time and labels the packages with nutrition info? She has vanished, replaced by someone who is back to eating straight out of the package. My great kill myself at the gym plan has COMPLETELY gone down the tubes. Even outdoor physical activity has been nonexistent the last couple weeks.

Then there is the other part of my life - the Mom, wife, daughter, housekeeper part - and its not faring much better. Rather than keeping The Boy One on a schedule that helps him with his behavior etc, he has been getting away with way too much video game, tv and computer time. This is happening because I'm not getting his schedule figured out ahead of time & I don't have the mental energy to follow through with it even if I did get it done. While I try to pick up the phone every time The Husband calls, I miss it a lot (partly because he calls in the middle of the night) and I find myself "playing" on the computer for hours and "forgetting" to email him. Worse yet, here we are a little over halfway through deployment and I haven't sent him a single package or letter. (Insert side note: I got the first email from him today that said it was from ADC - guess that means he's really a Chief now lol). My Mom has to constantly remind me of stuff she needs me to do. Its so bad that I very nearly forgot the date of her court appointment, I never got in my phone and had totally spaced it. Well not totally true, I knew the date but didn't realize it was already pretty much here until the day before. Then there is the house... while its not nearly as bad as I've let it be in the past it is no where near the level of clean it was when deployment started. More than that though is all of the "projects" around the house I was planning to get to during deployment and I haven't even started the first one.

This past week especially there have been days when I literally would lie on the couch and couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Even the thought of going to my favorite little clothing store in town couldn't get my butt off the couch. I'm sad... my heart is heavy... my limbs feel heavy... my head feels on the verge of a migraine all the time... my chest wall pain is surfacing almost daily. I am not ME and I want ME back!

I think I know the cause... someone (well a couple of someones) hurt me very deeply... to the core of my soul... over a few week period immediately preceding the loss of ME. Even typing that makes me cry all over again. These were people that I considered friends and went way out of my way to help when they needed it. But, no matter how much I did or how I tried it was never enough or I was doing it for the wrong reasons or it was a crime when I wanted it to be my turn to get a little consideration... and worse than that they did everything in their power to alienate me from mutual friends. Its hard and it hurts me more than words can possibly express... it makes me want to close myself off from people so I don't have to feel pain anymore... but that is not ME and I want to be ME again.

I think I've written before about how hard it is for me to let go of hurt once it has happened and how it will plague me for a very long time. I need to learn to let go... of this hurt and a world of other hurts... so that I can be ME again. The million dollar question is HOW? How do I get out of this huge funk? Where do I start? Do I start with taking care of myself? Do I take care of everything and everyone else first (which is my usual pattern of behavior)? How do I get back to being ME????


On a happier note: The Boy One continues with his healthy ways. The were having a case lot sale at the Commissary and he chose a case of plain Cheerios over Cocoa Puffs! Bargain happy Mom was pleased... they ended up being $1.15 a box and we won't need cereal again til Christmas. :-)


cmoursler said...

By taking care of you. take a walk and eat something simple like a bowl of oatmeal...get a cup of coffee sit down and write the top three things that need to be done that can take 1/2 hour or less and then do those.
Just do that.
momentum builds. YOu have to start the ball rolling.
pop off a short email to hubby with basic facts and a bit of affection. wipe the counters, make your bed.
there. Three things.

Stephanie said...

You have a lot on your shoulders and I'm not going to offer tons of unsolicited advice, but I know that for me, antidepressants worked wonders when I was feeling a lot of what you seem to be feeling. The clarity of mind and regaiend focus was like a fog being lifed from my eyes. best of luck to you!! I'll see you this week!

amandakiska said...

So sorry you are having a tough time. You sound really overwelmed.

When I listen to you describe the things you "normally" do, I'm tired and overwelmed just thinking about it! Sometimes when we have standards that are so exacting, the only way we can be okay is to just quit and let things go. This can be because we're perfectionists and can never meet our own standards.

Also sometimes when things are out of our control, the illusion of control is very comforting. You can't "fix" your son (which isn't to suggest he is broken or needs fixing), but jumping through all these hoops makes it seem like you have control over his condition.

At any rate, the antidepressants would probably help. Try to identify a few things that really need to be done (a letter to your hubby, son's schedule) and be proud of managing to do them. You don't have to do them better than anyone!

bbubblyb said...

Wish I could give ya a hug. I would do something you enjoy doing. If you have time during the day alone then go to your little store or to a book store or for a walk or just something you like doing. I think Chris's suggestion of doing 3 things is a good one. Hope you get back to feeling like yourself. It does sound like some depression to me too. I go through it myself sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading over your blog and found you through another one. You're such an inspiring person. I think it's great that you're teaching your son (is that who The Boy One is?) to make healthier choices. Be proud of that :) If only I could get my soon-to-be-step-son to do the same?

Drazil said...

Oh sweetie - I'm so glad I get to hug you in sound like you need it.