Pizza or Hot Dogs???

When I found myself walking into my son's room at lunch time and asking this question - pizza or hot dogs??? - I knew for certain there was a serious problem. This is me who makes the deliberate choice to NOT bring foods such as these into the house. Yet here I was - after a trip to the commissary - asking this very question. Not only did I bring home pizza and hot dogs... but also pizza rolls, tortilla chips, full fat cheese (in two varieties), non-whole wheat pasta, and a few other poor choices that are slipping my mind at the moment. On the bright side, I did get a bunch of fresh produce & I refused to go down the snack food aisle of the store at all.

All joking aside, there is a problem here... a serious one that I think its long since time to chat about. It feels like I've reached a point - much like I did a few months ago - where I'm self-sabotaging. A number came on the scale and something inside of me went into "what if" panic mode. Or sometimes its not a number on the scale, but that I've lost more in a week than I feel like I "deserved" to lose based on my actions... this too can set me in panic mode.

Its happened a few times before and I've made excuses much as I could choose to this time - life is getting in the way, I'm worn out after the Challenge, I need to find balance, The Husband wanted all this good food, other people need my attention, the house needs cleaning... really the list could go on for days I'm sure. But really the time for excuses is over... so I'm going to say it here - though I don't know if I've ever really said it aloud to anyone... so you get to know one of my deep, dark secrets...

Okay I guess the secret is a two parter... first, when I hit about 190 I panic because I don't remember ever weighing any less than that... I know it makes no sense, but its like I don't know what to do with myself. The second one, much more serious in my mind, if I lose what I feel is "too much" for a given week based on my actions... I start fearing Cancer. Why? Because I remember when I was growing up and several family members were diagnosed with Cancer, hearing my Mom talk about how they had suddenly started losing lots of weight prior to being diagnosed. Literally since I was about eight years old, a big part of my mind has associated rapid weight loss with Cancer. The flip side of that is that somehow in my childhood mind, plumpness equalled health (or at least lack of Cancer).

How do I combat this secret fear of mine & keep it from hindering me?

Part of it is an attitude adjustment and forcing myself to let go of the fear. In a more tangible sense, blogging helps... so does keeping food and activity journals is critical. Then if I do a double take on the scale, I have something look back on and verify that I "earned" the number on the scale. Planning meals helps because then I know I've planned for success... it isn't something that's just randomly happening for no apparent reason. The last couple weeks have legitimately been insanely busy... I've barely blogged, haven't journaled a thing & meal planning has been something of a lost art... and guess what... I'm faltering BADLY.

This coming week is going to be as insanely busy as the last two - if not worse. Its always like this leading up to deployment (which is now a week away) and its only more chaotic this year with me having this job. Regardless, I must pull myself out of this downward spiral... so I'm going to focus on journaling all of my food and activity this week... even if I eat like I'm trying to gain 40 pounds instead of lose them and even if my activity level is that of an 80 year old woman who just had hip replacement surgery.

An unrelated side note... my son has decided that his coping mechanism for his Dad leaving is to proclaim that he hates him and will be happy when he leaves. We know its his way of dealing with it, but its still causing a lot of stress and anxiety in the house... especially hard for The Husband to hear when he's getting ready to deploy. So... if you're the praying kind, please pray for them... and maybe me as I try to keep the peace, lol.