Secrets Revealed...

but not the ones Draz has been waiting for. The report on Victoria and her secrets is gonna have to wait... again. Sorry Drazil... but I've got bigger fish to fry today. If I can force myself to write this, I'm about to be honest with myself and all of you in a way I've never been...

On this beautiful sunny day, rather than being outside enjoying the fantastic weather... I'm sitting inside thinking of dark, horrid days.... the days of abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse.

Why am I thinking about these things?

The short answer is that they are never far from my mind. Current events are making the thoughts harder to shove aside.

Tonight I am invited to dinner at the home of someone I spent most of my teen years loving like a second mother. Someone that I have barely spoken to and even more rarely seen as an adult.
She is the now ex-wife of the man that sexually abused me... Why am I doing this? Well, I was invited and I thought I'd be okay with it. But guess what, as the time gets closer I'm realizing I'm really not so okay with it. Just knowing that I'm going to go there and be around this woman and her daughter has my mind racing with emotions that I thought were long buried.

This family became like a second family to me and my Mom after my Dad passed away. They were junior high youth group leaders at Church. They were the type of leaders that had the group over to their home often, took us on camping trips, to concerts, all the fun times you can dream up. As soon as I was old enough, I became the primary babysitter for their three children. The man worked for a well-known computer company at the time and also did video production on the side. At 12-13 years old, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world when he would let me stay up half the night with him, watching while he was working on whatever video project he was involved with. There in that video room is where the abuse began. It started so simply (a touch on the arm that lingered too long) and progressed to things that need not be spoken of over the next five years.

The shame I carry over that time in my life is immense. I feel responsible for the fact that this man went on to sexually abuse both of his daughters. I feel like I betrayed his wife, that I loved so dearly. I know they say the child is always the victim and its NEVER their fault. At 12, perhaps I was innocent... but there has always been this part of me that feels like as I became a teenager and allowed it to continue I became partially responsible. I mean I could have put an end to it at any time... I could have stopped allowing him to take me places... I could have stopped agreeing to go babysit when I knew the wife would be away... I could have opened my mouth and said something. But nope, I kept allowing him to take me to concerts, I kept going there to babysit, I kept my mouth shut, I kept it a secret. I allowed him to continue to be a part of my life... to the point that he did my wedding video as a gift and they hosted our rehearsal dinner. It wasn't until after I had been married a few months that I finally told The Husband the truth & then eventually my Mom found out. Over the years, it has become apparent that he was a predator and I was one of several girls that he was sexually abusing at the time. He's married to one of them now... how sick is that? Still... I can't let go of the shame...

I am going to go to this dinner & do my best to leave the past where it is... maybe seeing that they have moved on and are living happy lives will help me heal.

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Last night was a bad night with The Boy One. He became violently upset - kicking and hitting me - over having to turn off his video game. He managed to kick me 8-12 times in the hip area and I'm pretty badly bruised as a result. These outbursts are becoming more and more frightening the bigger he gets. This is the worst he has ever hurt me (I couldn't sleep on that side because it hurt too much to lie on it and today it hurts to sit because of it). Besides being scared for what the future holds (I can't let him keep doing this to me, but I don't know how to stop it), the severity of the incident takes me right back to all the feelings and emotions of the abuse I've suffered at his father's hands.

I know I've eluded to physical/mental abuse in my past before... without the details. That was out of respect for The Husband and his extreme sensitivity about his privacy... but this is about me and I can't do it anymore. I can't sweep it all under the rug as a part of my past when, to a degree, it is still very much a part of my present.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this year... and for most of those 15 years I have been every bit the battered wife in one sense or another. The first five months of our marriage were pretty wonderful, then he went on deployment and came back a different man. Keep in mind this wasn't war time & he was deployed to a beautiful tropical island... paradise as he called it. Within three months of his return the physical abuse started. It started with a little push and being restrained when I wanted to move. Over the years, it progressed to repeated choking incidents and being pummelled in the back til I fell in a ball to the floor. There came a point where he was arrested, the Navy put him through their DV program and alcohol treatment, he was a "good boy" for a year and in the eyes of the law its like none of it ever happened... never mind the fact that I have permanent damage in my back as a result. Despite a couple of borderline physical incidents recently, I've told myself for years that the abuse was over. The thing is... that's a lie! Its not really over! The abuse has just changed from physical to emotional. I am controlled in new ways and made to feel like the bad person more than ever if I choose to stand up for myself or The Boy One.

Last night's incident with The Boy One forces me think about these things and face things I don't want to face...

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You might be wondering what all of this has to do with losing weight or being healthy. I know these events have deeper impact than I'm going to go into right now. But quickies for now... Even as a teenager, I was on the plump side and I think part of me hoped that if I grew plump enough this guy that sexually abused me would turn his attention elsewhere (he had a major problem with "fat" people). When you live with an abusive person, you typically do what they want, when they want... and don't rock the boat by doing things such as taking care of yourself or demanding dietary changes. Perhaps this is why I was able to finally began losing weight and being healthier when he was gone... just a thought.

For now... I'm going to get out the door and enjoy some of this beautiful weather... and think about what it would mean to step out of the shadows of my life and start truly living...