Emotional Overload

Those two words pretty much sum up my life right now. Besides all of the other stuff I've shared recently there is an additional situation wreaking havoc on my heart. If I've never mentioned it before... let it be known I have little ability to cope with rejection and am extremely easily hurt. Once hurt, healing the hurt is next to impossible... I may squash it down and try to put it in the back of my mind... but honestly it NEVER really goes away.

And right now I've been attacked and rejected for no other reason than the fact that I exist... and I'm hurt... beyond hurt. Its all I could do to make it through the day without breaking down in tears. It was so bad that even the idea of retail therapy held no appeal - after all that would have required gathering myself enough to enter a store and pretend to happy (or at least not falling apart).

This is the thing... I've put myself in a bubble of sorts to avoid feelings of hurt. As bad as things are here sometimes with The Husband - he may get under my skin, irritate the crap out of me, make me want to scream in aggravation - he has pretty much zero ability left to hurt me emotionally (I suspect because I am so emotionally detached from him). Things that happen with The Boy One may hurt my heart because I wish things could be easier or better for him & they may bring up tough to swallow emotions connected to what his father did to me... but they don't hurt ME in terms of who I am. Even my Mom's ability to hurt me is diminished as I've come to terms with who she is and why she acts the way she does. Unfortunately there are still people that have the ability to hurt me... dang it!

And as if that isn't enough on its own... I get this phone call from The Husband. He is completely freaking out over a status I put on Facebook a few days ago - something about considering options. Of course his mind automatically jumps to the wrong conclusions and he goes off on me telling me how inappropriate it was for me to put that when he is thousands of miles away. Seriously, that could have been about a hundred different things - it was actually about something to do with my blog (more on that later) - no need to get your boy panties in a bunch. Classic example of something that irritates me, but has no ability to hurt me. Yes, there was a day when I would have been crushed at what he was implying, but that time has passed I guess.

The emotions of the day (the last couple really) definitely have had an impact. Food was miserable today- Mexican for lunch followed by pizza for dinner. On the bright side, I didn't snack during the day or evening and I limited myself to two pieces of pizza at dinner. Yesterday exercise was more or less non-existent. Tonight, I drove across town and walked on the beach for an hour or so as the sun was setting and even dipped my feet in the water. It was absolutely gorgeous... so wish I'd grabbed my camera from the car when I got there. The fresh air was wonderful and it felt good to move... even if it wasn't an intense workout & probably didn't burn too many calories.

My big weekend plans are a trip to Crate & Barrel and I'm finally going to go visit a bead store in Seattle I've been dying to get to for months now. Yay! Besides that, I'm gonna chill with The Boy One and catch up on more blogs... I'm sooooo far behind.

One final thing to mention... I FINALLY bought my plane ticket for Chicago... after getting reassurance from Draz that she isn't going to chicken out (I can't be the only band-less one there, I need her to eat with me, lol).

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Victoria Secret, Shaving & Jeans in 15

That's the deal I struck with a friend of mine tonight... new jeans for both of us when we each lose 15 pounds. This was his pronouncement tonight... his way of pacing his spending since the jeans he's eyeing are over $300. Seriously, who buys jeans for $300???? Let's just say he shops at Nordstrom while I spend my time in Ross, lol. Anyway, it seemed like a good idea and I agreed to it... cuz let me tell you all right now I did plenty of shopping on my vacation. No joke - I had to go to Ross & buy another suitcase to come home. Thank goodness I flew Southwest so I could check a second bag without paying.

Margatini Night was lots of fun. Our favorite bartender wasn't there, but the chick didn't do too bad with our drinks. I think the waiter had a serious crush on my BFF and we took full advantage... pretty sure he was blushing under that dark skin of his, lol. Then there was the guy sitting across from us that had statue of liberty hair, high water pants & socks pulled up to his knees. Oh and I can't forget the waitress flitting around the restaurant that had her hair done to look like a Holly Hobbie doll. It all combined for a much needed giggle for both of us.

The time has come... to share the story of my most recent visit to Victoria Secret. Let me start by saying that I'm standing there digging through the baskets of discounted bras & across the table from me is this very uncomfortable looking guy with his wife/girlfriend. The woman and I are both loading up on the pretty colored bras in our respective sizes. She then starts pulling out some neutral, beige ones. He looks at them, frowns and says something about those not being nearly as sexy as the colored ones. Without even thinking, I look up and say to him... "bras aren't always about sex appeal for the guy; girls need them for function too ya know." The poor guy (who I have little sympathy for) turned about six shade of red, lol.

After gathering my arm load of possibilities I headed to the fitting room... which was an experience in itself. Eight bras all in my supposed size... the first one was so tight I would have been lucky to squeeze one of the girls into the darn thing! It was so darn tight, I literally felt like the life was being squeezed out of me... I swear it was really mismarked, some one's idea of a joke or I was being secretly video taped. Bras 2-5 all had enough extra room for me to grow into (no thank you). Number six turned out to be pure perfection... good fit, a smidge of wiggle room, no spillage and flaming red! I didn't bother trying the last two. Now what to do with the flaming red bra?!? Well go out and find matching panties of course, lol.

The best part of the Victoria Secret experience... I managed to totally avoid the over helpful sales girl that wanted to come in there and feel me up. Pretty sure I can happily live the rest of my life without the sales girl coming to adjust things for me. That ranks right up there with my "love" of female OB docs... would so rather have a guy digging around down there (sorry if that's TMI)... is that weird?

And since my post is spiraling toward the gutter... I just as well share this too... an NSV of sorts.

There I was in the bathroom - shortly before my trip - shaving the whootananny region. SIDE NOTE: Is it bad that I now think of Draz and her "powder" experiment every time I'm doing this? Anyway... I realized as I was shaving... OMG, I can see everything now!!!! I don't know when that happened... but wow in an oh um sorta way, lol! 50 pounds ago, 40 pounds ago, 30 pounds ago... I had to use a mirror when I was shaving if I wanted to see everything... so this is HUGE.

Enough gutter talk... next up is a vacation report. For now though, I must go fall into bed...

It Felt Good...

Despite a rough start to the day - I accidentally turned off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button - by 12:45pm I was headed out the door to the gym. As I was puttering around the house - getting my shoes on, water bottle filled, post workout snack packed - I realized that I was already feeling energized. It felt good to go through the steps to prepare for a workout. It felt good to walk into the gym and see familiar faces. It felt good to climb on an elliptical machine and get moving. It felt good to have sweat running down my back (and I hate sweat, lol). It felt good to peddle on the bike. It felt unbelievably good to get in there and do a solid workout - not my best and not the most intense- but solid nonetheless... 30 minutes elliptical and 35 minutes on the bike.



Today was the first day in way too many days that I ate NOTHING from a restaurant or convenience store. Breakfast was a bagel thin with laughing cow cheese & some blueberries. I had some trex mix for a post workout snack. Lunch wasn't the best... a quesadilla with white tortillas and too much full fat cheese... but at least it didn't come from a restaurant. Dinner was grilled chicken salad with turkey bacon & 2% cheddar. Then after dinner I made some lemon poppy-seed muffins... which I proceeded to eat way too many of... the good news they are only about 40 calories each. Still, I'm pleased with the day overall... I avoided restaurants, sugary soda and was pretty healthy for two of my three meals.

I felt more like "me" than I have in a long time today. It felt good to make & execute a plan... It felt good to put healthy foods into my body (if we ignore the quesadilla). It feels good to get to the end of the day and not be beating myself up over caving into the temptation of a drive-thru on my way home from the gym. And high on the list of things that felt good today... all of the warm welcome backs I received from you... those comments mean so much.

Thursday is a busy day with therapy for The Boy One and Margatini night with my BFF. I don't know if I've explained margatini night before... we go to Applebees 3-4 times a month, she drinks a martini, I drink a margarita... so we named it margatini night. I generally try to eat one of their "healthier" options. I've had the steak and chicken from their 550 calorie menu.... any other ideas on tasty meals there? I'm kind of in the mood to try something new & definitely want to stick to a healthier choice.

And just for Draz... because I adore her so much... I'm finally writing my Victoria Secret post. :)

Here I am

Did you all think I was lost forever? I was beginning to think so. Things have gone from busy, busy to insanely hectic. I wrote my "secrets" post, went to the dinner, and then before I knew it my vacation day had arrived. I've been home for a few days and am slowly settling into a normal routine.... whatever "normal" is.


The dinner was interesting... the topic of what happened to me didn't come up, but he came up in conversation. Something I never knew at the time - he was physically abusive to her during their marriage. To the point that to this day, she can't be tickled or restrained. It makes me think that in some way I was conditioned to end up in an abusive relationship... that being one of the primary examples of a relationship I saw growing up. Bottom line, I survived the dinner and didn't feel overly traumatized by it...


As far as stepping out of the shadows goes... I'm thinking long and hard on a lot of things. Knowing what you should do intellectually is so much easier than actually doing it... and there are so many warring factors rattling around in my brain & heart. I feel like I'm trapped on a huge roller coaster that dives every time I have something figured out. Seriously think its time to find a new shrink...

Trying to get back into the swing of things after vacation (which I must share about soon) has been a challenge. The good news is The Boy One did amazingly well with the sitter for the whole week! More good news, vacation was very active for me! Now for the not so good news... I hate a TON of yummy food while I was gone - Cheesecake Factory, Bubba Gump, Hard Rock Cafe, In-n-Out (twice), IHOP, a couple Mexican places, the best sushi place ever... not to mention my niece made pancakes for breakfast almost every morning. I stepped on the scale with tightly clenched fists this morning... to see a number I swore I would never see again unless I was pregnant - 201. Seriously, I could cry and cry and cry and cry! This is NOT good! I am so disappointed in myself. I mean I know it was vacation and all, but really?!? And when you hear about all the active stuff we did, you're gonna know that I must have been eating for a small village to gain so much weight.

After the shocker on the scale... and after drying the literal river that flowed in the bathroom as a result... I went to Safeway where chicken was on sale for really cheap and the commissary. Now the house is stocked with plenty of healthy options to last until payday. I already planned my Wednesday for a full workout at the gym and an evening walk. Enough settling in time... its time to get back to business. For now I"m going to take all freakin 201 pounds of me to bed... sleep is a good thing. Looking forward to catching up with everyone. Thanks for not abandoning me in my absence. :)

A Quick Note...

Because I'm a tech-loving girl, all of my email notifications for comments naturally come straight to my phone. Anyone who has been around me when one of these notifications have come through since my last post probably things I'm a certifiable emotional wreck by now. The love, support and kind words from all of you has bee nothing short of amazing. This community of bloggers is truly without comparison...

Sunday night/Monday morning, I will be posting a follow up to that post (go here if you haven't read it), but I just wanted to let everyone know that I am hanging in there... continuing to "feel" my emotions... and mostly how thankful I am for all of the wonderful support.


Happy news of the day... I got a new Hungry Girl cookbook... so when I get back from Cali I will have more new recipes to try. My big weekend plan is to get out and enjoy the weather... I swear if I don't get my feet in some sand and water tomorrow there are gonna be serious problems, lol.


Oh and I must start considering packing for my trip... 7 days in Cali... how many outfits could one girl possibly need??????

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Secrets Revealed...

but not the ones Draz has been waiting for. The report on Victoria and her secrets is gonna have to wait... again. Sorry Drazil... but I've got bigger fish to fry today. If I can force myself to write this, I'm about to be honest with myself and all of you in a way I've never been...

On this beautiful sunny day, rather than being outside enjoying the fantastic weather... I'm sitting inside thinking of dark, horrid days.... the days of abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse.

Why am I thinking about these things?

The short answer is that they are never far from my mind. Current events are making the thoughts harder to shove aside.

Tonight I am invited to dinner at the home of someone I spent most of my teen years loving like a second mother. Someone that I have barely spoken to and even more rarely seen as an adult.
She is the now ex-wife of the man that sexually abused me... Why am I doing this? Well, I was invited and I thought I'd be okay with it. But guess what, as the time gets closer I'm realizing I'm really not so okay with it. Just knowing that I'm going to go there and be around this woman and her daughter has my mind racing with emotions that I thought were long buried.

This family became like a second family to me and my Mom after my Dad passed away. They were junior high youth group leaders at Church. They were the type of leaders that had the group over to their home often, took us on camping trips, to concerts, all the fun times you can dream up. As soon as I was old enough, I became the primary babysitter for their three children. The man worked for a well-known computer company at the time and also did video production on the side. At 12-13 years old, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world when he would let me stay up half the night with him, watching while he was working on whatever video project he was involved with. There in that video room is where the abuse began. It started so simply (a touch on the arm that lingered too long) and progressed to things that need not be spoken of over the next five years.

The shame I carry over that time in my life is immense. I feel responsible for the fact that this man went on to sexually abuse both of his daughters. I feel like I betrayed his wife, that I loved so dearly. I know they say the child is always the victim and its NEVER their fault. At 12, perhaps I was innocent... but there has always been this part of me that feels like as I became a teenager and allowed it to continue I became partially responsible. I mean I could have put an end to it at any time... I could have stopped allowing him to take me places... I could have stopped agreeing to go babysit when I knew the wife would be away... I could have opened my mouth and said something. But nope, I kept allowing him to take me to concerts, I kept going there to babysit, I kept my mouth shut, I kept it a secret. I allowed him to continue to be a part of my life... to the point that he did my wedding video as a gift and they hosted our rehearsal dinner. It wasn't until after I had been married a few months that I finally told The Husband the truth & then eventually my Mom found out. Over the years, it has become apparent that he was a predator and I was one of several girls that he was sexually abusing at the time. He's married to one of them now... how sick is that? Still... I can't let go of the shame...

I am going to go to this dinner & do my best to leave the past where it is... maybe seeing that they have moved on and are living happy lives will help me heal.

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Last night was a bad night with The Boy One. He became violently upset - kicking and hitting me - over having to turn off his video game. He managed to kick me 8-12 times in the hip area and I'm pretty badly bruised as a result. These outbursts are becoming more and more frightening the bigger he gets. This is the worst he has ever hurt me (I couldn't sleep on that side because it hurt too much to lie on it and today it hurts to sit because of it). Besides being scared for what the future holds (I can't let him keep doing this to me, but I don't know how to stop it), the severity of the incident takes me right back to all the feelings and emotions of the abuse I've suffered at his father's hands.

I know I've eluded to physical/mental abuse in my past before... without the details. That was out of respect for The Husband and his extreme sensitivity about his privacy... but this is about me and I can't do it anymore. I can't sweep it all under the rug as a part of my past when, to a degree, it is still very much a part of my present.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this year... and for most of those 15 years I have been every bit the battered wife in one sense or another. The first five months of our marriage were pretty wonderful, then he went on deployment and came back a different man. Keep in mind this wasn't war time & he was deployed to a beautiful tropical island... paradise as he called it. Within three months of his return the physical abuse started. It started with a little push and being restrained when I wanted to move. Over the years, it progressed to repeated choking incidents and being pummelled in the back til I fell in a ball to the floor. There came a point where he was arrested, the Navy put him through their DV program and alcohol treatment, he was a "good boy" for a year and in the eyes of the law its like none of it ever happened... never mind the fact that I have permanent damage in my back as a result. Despite a couple of borderline physical incidents recently, I've told myself for years that the abuse was over. The thing is... that's a lie! Its not really over! The abuse has just changed from physical to emotional. I am controlled in new ways and made to feel like the bad person more than ever if I choose to stand up for myself or The Boy One.

Last night's incident with The Boy One forces me think about these things and face things I don't want to face...

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You might be wondering what all of this has to do with losing weight or being healthy. I know these events have deeper impact than I'm going to go into right now. But quickies for now... Even as a teenager, I was on the plump side and I think part of me hoped that if I grew plump enough this guy that sexually abused me would turn his attention elsewhere (he had a major problem with "fat" people). When you live with an abusive person, you typically do what they want, when they want... and don't rock the boat by doing things such as taking care of yourself or demanding dietary changes. Perhaps this is why I was able to finally began losing weight and being healthier when he was gone... just a thought.

For now... I'm going to get out the door and enjoy some of this beautiful weather... and think about what it would mean to step out of the shadows of my life and start truly living...

The Weekend Experience

After all of the struggles over the past few weeks, I am relieved to report that I had a very successful holiday weekend! I have to start with my BIG NSV because I am so excited about it!!!

For the first time in 13 years, I got to go on my very favorite carnival ride... The Ring of Fire.

Three or four summers ago, I remember looking at it longingly - knowing there was no way I could squeeze my wide hips in there with another person (and they require two riders). When I was in high school, it was a tight fit for me and my then BFF... so there was NO chance that I'd fit after packing on an extra 60 pounds from my high school weight.

When the carnival was here in the spring this year, I knew I was small enough to fit once again... but there was no freakin Ring of Fire. Driving to town Thursday night, I saw it sitting there in all its glory and was giddy with excitement. The next task was finding a victim to accompany me... enter my friend Melissa... who just happened to come stay the weekend. We got to the carnival and the darn thing was closed for some unknown reason! I was so bummed... I could have cried. We let the kids do their thing and toward the end of the evening it was reopened and I got to ride... FINALLY! Not only did I fit... I fit with room to spare!!!!! It was amazing!!!!

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Saturday was a busy day. My friend, Melissa, was here with her oldest son and three year old niece. We took the kids to one of the local parks/forts and had a blast walking all over. I couldn't find my pedometer (a sure sign that I've been away from my normal routine for way too long), but I think we probably walked about three miles all together. Plus, every time we came to a staircase, I went up and down them a couple times each while waiting on the kids. The kids were pretty worn out by the end of the day... burned some extra calories carrying the three year old around at various points. It was also pretty cool, we happened to run into an old friend and his kids there... I used to babysit them when they were little, but hadn't seen them in years. We packed along sack lunches for the day... mine was filled with a whole wheat bagel thin spread with laughing cow cheese, a pine nut mix with dried cranberries, and a 100 calorie pack of cookies... satisfying and a perfect amount for a busy, on-the-go afternoon. Plus, I was pleased with myself for not caving in to the temptation of fast food...

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Food was a better experience in general this weekend... despite the "crap food friends," lol. I ended up doing a lot of cooking... and for the most part there was no complaining. Food items included homemade chicken taquitos (about 225 calories for two of them) and a breakfast scramble with turkey kielbasa, onion, garlic and tomato. Seriously, I don't think they even realized they were eating healthy foods. Thank God for Hungry Girl recipes. :)

At my Mom's yesterday, we managed to have a pretty healthy 4th of July meal too. We had grilled kabobs, fruit salad with a yogurt dressing and corn bread. The corn bread was my splurge and it was soooooo yummy... it didn't even need butter.

They do the community fireworks right by her house, so we got to watch from her front yard... super nice to be able to avoid the crowds. The last two years I have been gone on the 4th, so it was lots of fun to watch The Boy One watching the fireworks. He used to be scared to death of them, but this year he was jumping up and down excited and hollering "BRAVO" at the top of his lungs between each burst.

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Monday has proven to be a most relaxing day. I finally finished planting my flowers for the back patio and the veggies are all in pots too. In the afternoon, I was in the car, on the way to the gym, and the weather was soooooo nice I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up indoors. So... I went to one of the beaches in town and walked. It was a pretty short walk - about a mile - because I was sans-sunscreen... but I walked down on the rocky beach which is a way more intense workout for the legs than the boardwalk portion. It felt good to get out there. If the weatherman is right, we are headed for a stretch of awesome weather... which makes me itch for all the different beaches and trails... I can't wait! I'll just have to dash into the gym for some weight training. I just installed RunKeeper on my NEW phone, so that will be fun to use too!

Drazil says I must report on my trip to Victoria Secret... among other things... so I shall try to oblige her in my next post. Also, I know I have some awards that I've been terribly remiss in responding too... thank you so much for them... they mean more than you know...

Keeping my fingers crossed for a happy scale day...

Empty Cupboards...

Breed Disaster...

Attempting to get back into the swing of "normal" healthy eating today proved to be quite challenging... due to empty cupboards. Seriously, I don't know what happened around here... too much spur of the moment shopping and not enough planning I guess.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this is a huge part of where I derail myself so often. I get so busy with "life" stuff that I don't take the time to plan and shop accordingly. Then, I get hungry and either grab some fragment of a healthy meal or - far worse - decide a quick drive into town and xyz drive-in is a good solution. Because we all know you shouldn't go to the grocery store hungry, right. This would probably be okayish if it was a rare occurrence, but it has seriously happened every day for the last two weeks with few exceptions. Yikes!!!!!

Seeing the error of my ways, I made a quick run to the grocery store (after eating Chinese food for lunch) and picked up enough staples to get us through until I can successfully plan a few days worth of meals and get to the commissary. In my temporarily enlightened state, I also came to the following conclusion regarding the eating habits of my friends... I am going to plan pack along meals for when I'm visiting there. They'll just have to understand. If they happen to make something I feel I can eat, then I will... but no more eating what they offer because I have no other choice at hand. Also, I think I will start inviting them to visit here - where I can be in charge of meals- more often.

Now for the question of the day... does anyone have a good low calorie/fat recipe for seafood alfredo? One of my friends that will be coming to stay for the holiday weekend is dying for me to make some for her. I have a splendid full fat recipe - which I would normally splurge and make for her - but I don't want to do that when I'm just trying to recover from this lapse in healthfulness.

Maybe the problem with June was that its the "hump month" of the year... just a thought...