What Kind of Friend Are You?

Yesterday, Dawn over at Fixing Myself Thinner, wrote a single sentence that sums up the way I view life & my relationships with people - in summary - that she gives to others (in blogland) what she would like to receive in return. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated. That's me. That's what I do.

She went on to say that she had to "lose some of the things that would drive her to eat." One of those things being a people pleaser. While I don't think being a "people pleaser" necessarily drives me to eat, as I have recently mentioned, I know it has hindered my healthful efforts.

I hope she doesn't mind me paraphrasing her here... but her post was exactly what I needed to read after the events of Saturday. I needed to see that I'm not alone in the way I think and treat people... or in what I hope to receive in return. I needed to see - through someone else's success - that its okay to make changes in my relationships with people for my own benefit. I needed her words!

As you probably know, I've been observing and reevaluating a lot of my relationships since returning home from Chicago. I'm reaching the limits of tolerating one-sided friendships. Saturday was a boiling point with one such friendship. After months of being there for this friend - with my time, resources & wallet - she more or less indicated that she is not comfortable coming to my house (because she doesn't have her things here & I have different rules for kids in my house)... that if I want to hang out I will have to do 100% of the traveling. Lame reasons if you ask me & I couldn't take it any more. I pretty much told her that if that's how its going to be then she can expect not to be seeing me or having my help from now on. While I may be willing to do the majority of the visiting - because of logistics - I am not up for it being my sole responsibility.

This led to her attacking me for my decision to stay here with The Husband. She doesn't know of the posts I've written here on the matter & how torn I am about what the "right" thing is. She knows that I am here still - in part - because staying allows me to be available to The Boy One in a way I wouldn't be able to if I had to work to support us. She knows what a difference it made in his functioning when I did the temporary job in the Spring & that it took weeks for him to "recover" from it. She knows that I have several serious health concerns going on right now & having medical/dental coverage is critical for me with those things. Still... knowing all of this she told me "your reasons for staying are bullshit reasons & you deserve what you get!"

Pretty much I felt like she was saying my LIFE is not a good reason to stay. Realizing that my very life could be of such little consequence to someone I have considered a dear friend for years was soul crushing. To the point where I can understand a person who wants a physical pain to match their emotional pain.

Thinking about her & our friendship since this conversation, I realized something big. One of those things you blind yourself to because if you see it you have to deal with it. She is a classic example of words vs. actions. The type of person who says all the right things, but rarely backs up what she says without her actions. I don't know why it took me so long to open my eyes and see it. At this point, I don't know what will become of our "friendship," but for now I know that have to severely distance myself from this person. To do anything else would be pouring salt in the gaping wound her thoughtlessness created.

Since I'm on the friend topic, I want to share one more thing. When I was preparing for the trip to Chicago, my Mom made the comment about how weird it was to take such a trip to meet people that weren't "real" friends. I keep thinking about that statement in light of what happened with my "friend" over the weekend. To me a real friend is someone who supports, encourages, loves and wants the best for you. In a very REAL way, all of you here in blogland are my "real" friends. We support, encourage & want the best for each other... in my mind it doesn't get much more REAL than that. It doesn't matter that I haven't met many of you... I still think of you as friends in every sense of the word.

So, to my REAL FRIENDS in blogland... thank you for your love, support & encouragement. I hope that I can be the friend to you that you have been to me.

Gaining Perspective

Before I get to the heart of the matter, let me say a quick word about Chicago & the BOOBs... it was AMAZING!!! I'm not gonna write a book about it at this point (seems kind of redundant after reading what everyone else wrote). But I did have a wonderful time meeting everyone and seeing a new city. Draz summed it up well with "life-changing," I know I will never be the same.
Fellow BOOBs that I have added on Facebook, please remember no one there knows about this blog (except all of you lol). And BOOBs I haven't added, feel free to add me... I've been trying to find everyone. :)

Do you ever feel like you need someone to smack you up side the head and point out all of the things that should be obvious, but aren't? Okay more like things that are obvious, but you don't want to see them.

That has been me for a few weeks now... needing someone to give me a reality check. And guess what... I gave myself one! Its no secret to anyone that I've been majorly down in the dumps. Putting on a (semi)happy face for Chicago was a bigger challenge than you can imagine. Coming home, I knew it was time to really figure out what is going on with me... what is making me so sad all the time... because how can I ever expect anything to change if I don't know the cause?

For the last week, I have chosen to go with the flow and quietly observe the people in my life... I mean who they REALLY are... what their ACTIONS say vs. the WORDS that come from their mouths. The vast difference in those two things and how they affect my moods has been really eye-opening.

This is the thing about me... I am the type of person that fully commits to relationships (of all types)... if I am in your life its 100%, NOT just when its convenient for me. When I make plans with you or agree to do something for you, nothing short of being near death with prevent me from doing it. Big or small - it doesn't matter - I'm gonna keep my word regardless of how inconvenient it may be to me personally. And I'm going to do it with a cheerful heart because that's how I am. I am also the type of person that pays attention to the wants and needs of others... if I'm out somewhere and see something I know someone needs/wants I will happily get it for them if I can... just because I care. Not always - but often - you will find my shopping cart filled with things for a variety of different people in my life. Again... its just how I am.

Sadly, I think I'm growing selfish. I feel like I want my turn - for someone to value me and my presence in their life the way I value them in mine. For someone to go that extra mile for me, even when its not convenient. Not all the time... just once in a while... so I know I matter to someone beyond what I have to offer them. And the thing is, I've realized most of the people in my life talk a really good game, but have very poor follow through (assuming the intent was ever truly there to begin with). It makes me sad to think how one sided things have become with certain people. I feel like I need equality... which it seems means to stop "doing" so much for other people... which feels selfish and totally NOT me. Or, alternatively, separating myself from people that primarily TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. I don't know what the solution is... but at least I have identified this as a major source of my sadness and my feelings of being unworthy lately. That's a start...

Honestly, I think that is probably one of the biggest issue for me right now... so much seems to stem from it. Here I am so busy doing for other people that I have completely slacked off on my house, home projects, hobbies, and most sadly... taking care of myself and my health. Everything related to me and my personal well-being seems to have taken a backseat to caring for and doing for others. Even if its selfish and changes who I am in some way that has to STOP! I can't be so wrapped up in other people that I lose myself and what matters to me... especially when those other people are the way they are.

Maybe the solution is this... to plan my life & my time to take care of me (and The Boy One of course) and only allow other people to fill the space I have left over. I suppose there is a happy medium somewhere, but right now I feel so burned out on "being there" and getting little to nothing in return I don't even want to think about a compromise. That's so not me, it sounds foreign to even think it aloud, much less type it. Is that terribly selfish of me? Does that make me a bad person?

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Happy news... I drug my tush to the gym this afternoon and lived to tell about it. Seriously sad how long it had been since my last gym visit! I hopped right on the StairMaster and did 50 floors... I felt like I could have kept going, but didn't want to overdo it on my first day back. Wrapped things up with 30 minutes on a wuss bike. My body is definitely telling me that I've spent way too long out of the gym... though not as bad as I thought it might be.

More happy news from the gym... they finally have the plaque up for the Around the World Challenge! It lists the names of the people that completed the entire challenge this year... five names I believe... including mine, followed by that of my BFF! :)

And now I've just remembered the trash cans are still at the curb... I'd better drag them in before the housing Nazis attack, lol.

What Came First...

The chicken or the egg???

That's pretty much how I'm feeling about the current state of affairs known as my life. Am I not taking care of myself because everything else is a mess or is everything else a mess because I'm not taking care of myself???

Something is wrong with ME. Why am I so sure of this?

The ME who is usually super organized with every detail of every event planned to the finest detail has more or less been floating at loose ends for the last several weeks. My meals haven't been planned in so long its embarrassing. Remember ME who usually measures all of her food out ahead of time and labels the packages with nutrition info? She has vanished, replaced by someone who is back to eating straight out of the package. My great kill myself at the gym plan has COMPLETELY gone down the tubes. Even outdoor physical activity has been nonexistent the last couple weeks.

Then there is the other part of my life - the Mom, wife, daughter, housekeeper part - and its not faring much better. Rather than keeping The Boy One on a schedule that helps him with his behavior etc, he has been getting away with way too much video game, tv and computer time. This is happening because I'm not getting his schedule figured out ahead of time & I don't have the mental energy to follow through with it even if I did get it done. While I try to pick up the phone every time The Husband calls, I miss it a lot (partly because he calls in the middle of the night) and I find myself "playing" on the computer for hours and "forgetting" to email him. Worse yet, here we are a little over halfway through deployment and I haven't sent him a single package or letter. (Insert side note: I got the first email from him today that said it was from ADC - guess that means he's really a Chief now lol). My Mom has to constantly remind me of stuff she needs me to do. Its so bad that I very nearly forgot the date of her court appointment, I never got in my phone and had totally spaced it. Well not totally true, I knew the date but didn't realize it was already pretty much here until the day before. Then there is the house... while its not nearly as bad as I've let it be in the past it is no where near the level of clean it was when deployment started. More than that though is all of the "projects" around the house I was planning to get to during deployment and I haven't even started the first one.

This past week especially there have been days when I literally would lie on the couch and couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Even the thought of going to my favorite little clothing store in town couldn't get my butt off the couch. I'm sad... my heart is heavy... my limbs feel heavy... my head feels on the verge of a migraine all the time... my chest wall pain is surfacing almost daily. I am not ME and I want ME back!

I think I know the cause... someone (well a couple of someones) hurt me very deeply... to the core of my soul... over a few week period immediately preceding the loss of ME. Even typing that makes me cry all over again. These were people that I considered friends and went way out of my way to help when they needed it. But, no matter how much I did or how I tried it was never enough or I was doing it for the wrong reasons or it was a crime when I wanted it to be my turn to get a little consideration... and worse than that they did everything in their power to alienate me from mutual friends. Its hard and it hurts me more than words can possibly express... it makes me want to close myself off from people so I don't have to feel pain anymore... but that is not ME and I want to be ME again.

I think I've written before about how hard it is for me to let go of hurt once it has happened and how it will plague me for a very long time. I need to learn to let go... of this hurt and a world of other hurts... so that I can be ME again. The million dollar question is HOW? How do I get out of this huge funk? Where do I start? Do I start with taking care of myself? Do I take care of everything and everyone else first (which is my usual pattern of behavior)? How do I get back to being ME????

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On a happier note: The Boy One continues with his healthy ways. The were having a case lot sale at the Commissary and he chose a case of plain Cheerios over Cocoa Puffs! Bargain happy Mom was pleased... they ended up being $1.15 a box and we won't need cereal again til Christmas. :-)

Comfort Food Fest

On this cloudy, gray Sunday my BFF decided enough is enough and "forced" me to participate in Comfort Food Fest. So she didn't force me... more I allowed myself to indulge in a variety of foods that I usually limit to once in a while... all in the same night. We are talking HUGE quantities of pasta salad (have I ever mentioned that she makes the best pasta salad on the planet?), some tortilla chips & queso and a sizable bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream. Yes, I know bad, bad & more bad food choices... especially in the quantities and having them all in one huge meal.

But ya know what???

It was so nice to have someone care enough and want to spend a little of their time taking care of me that I would have eaten anything that was put in front of me.

Do I feel guilty for participating in Comfort Food Fest?

I feel guilty for a multitude of things... but this is not one of them.

One thing I do feel guilty about is my lack of blogging the last few months. Yes, summer was busy & time to write was a premium. Yes, there were days when I was plain & simply just too dang tired to do it. Yes, there were days (a few) when I literally had nothing on my mind to share. But, in all honesty, its more than that. The simple truth is that a lot of days I have chosen not to write because I was so miserable that I could hardly stand to be around myself, the thought of putting together a happy post was more than I could do, and the last thing I want is to be one of those people that writes negative post upon negative post. So I have sat in silence...

This is far from my first deployment... but its different in so many ways than any I have experienced before. Considering the state of my marriage for most of the last fifteen years, deployments have become something like a breath of fresh air for me - a time when I can breathe and be my true self for a few months. I still feel that sense of being able to breathe this time... its the being my true self part that I'm not feeling. I don't even know who or what that is anymore.

In the midst of being so sad and uncertain, I'm so thankful for a BFF that actually sees the need and takes the time to care even though she is incredibly busy. I hope everyone has someone they can turn to in time of need... because I'm once again reminded of how important that is... the difference it can make.

Draz Has LONG Arms...

I swear its true... she has arms that can reach all the way to Washington and make me feel better. Okay not really, but her words do wonders. Earlier today, my Facebook status read "is hurting to the core of her soul right now and probably will be for a good while." Now keep in mind here that Draz is one of my only FB friends that I haven't personally met... and yet she is the first one to pop up and ask what's going on. When I tell her that its been a really rough day with The Boy One and need a hug, she immediately tells me to close my eyes and feel her arms. Reading that made me cry harder than I already was... but then I felt a little better. No, I couldn't literally feel her arms... but her words and the few seconds it took her to type them helped so much.



The truth is... rough day with The Boy One is an understatement. Though my physical injuries are not as severe as the last time, I think in some ways it was actually worse. What instigated it was his extreme fear and anxiety over meeting a new therapist. And though he didn't strike me as hard as before (I was better positioned and prepared), it did go on longer and he was more aggressive in nature... literally jumping up off the couch to come after me. Eventually he slammed into his room and I could hear stuff flying. I was certain I would walk into the room to find damage to the walls and/or door... but luckily everything seems to be okay. His room, however, is a worse disaster than it was before. Clearly we never made it to meet the new therapist. I told him if we didn't go he was going to responsible for paying the missed appointment fee with his own money... which he happily did. Apparently $10 was worth it to stay home from meeting the new therapist. Beyond that, he isn't in trouble per say... I don't know how to discipline for it when it was clearly caused by his fear of meeting someone new & not tied to anything I can take away from him. We did have a long talk about what can happen if this type of behavior continues and he seemed genuinely scared by the prospects. Still, I don't know if any of it is enough to keep him from lashing out the same way again.

If there is a bright side to this trying day, it might be this... I've had no appetite, no interest in food. So scale day may be extra kind to me tomorrow. I took a peek earlier today and it was already looking favorable, so hopefully I will have good news to report soon.

And a funny story to finish... supplied by The Boy One (after his meltdown)... when asked if he wanted leftover meat and baked potato for dinner, he informed me that he isn't eating meat anymore. When I questioned him, he said its mean to eat animals like pigs. So I asked him if he is going to b3become a vegetarian and he said yes. Then a couple minutes later he asked for a cheeseburger, lol. When I reminded him that hamburger comes from cows, he was like "that's okay, just no pigs for me." Now the question is when do I burst his bubble? He LOVES bacon!

I swear I'm writing you all a happy post tomorrow! :)

Emotional Overload

Those two words pretty much sum up my life right now. Besides all of the other stuff I've shared recently there is an additional situation wreaking havoc on my heart. If I've never mentioned it before... let it be known I have little ability to cope with rejection and am extremely easily hurt. Once hurt, healing the hurt is next to impossible... I may squash it down and try to put it in the back of my mind... but honestly it NEVER really goes away.

And right now I've been attacked and rejected for no other reason than the fact that I exist... and I'm hurt... beyond hurt. Its all I could do to make it through the day without breaking down in tears. It was so bad that even the idea of retail therapy held no appeal - after all that would have required gathering myself enough to enter a store and pretend to happy (or at least not falling apart).

This is the thing... I've put myself in a bubble of sorts to avoid feelings of hurt. As bad as things are here sometimes with The Husband - he may get under my skin, irritate the crap out of me, make me want to scream in aggravation - he has pretty much zero ability left to hurt me emotionally (I suspect because I am so emotionally detached from him). Things that happen with The Boy One may hurt my heart because I wish things could be easier or better for him & they may bring up tough to swallow emotions connected to what his father did to me... but they don't hurt ME in terms of who I am. Even my Mom's ability to hurt me is diminished as I've come to terms with who she is and why she acts the way she does. Unfortunately there are still people that have the ability to hurt me... dang it!

And as if that isn't enough on its own... I get this phone call from The Husband. He is completely freaking out over a status I put on Facebook a few days ago - something about considering options. Of course his mind automatically jumps to the wrong conclusions and he goes off on me telling me how inappropriate it was for me to put that when he is thousands of miles away. Seriously, that could have been about a hundred different things - it was actually about something to do with my blog (more on that later) - no need to get your boy panties in a bunch. Classic example of something that irritates me, but has no ability to hurt me. Yes, there was a day when I would have been crushed at what he was implying, but that time has passed I guess.

The emotions of the day (the last couple really) definitely have had an impact. Food was miserable today- Mexican for lunch followed by pizza for dinner. On the bright side, I didn't snack during the day or evening and I limited myself to two pieces of pizza at dinner. Yesterday exercise was more or less non-existent. Tonight, I drove across town and walked on the beach for an hour or so as the sun was setting and even dipped my feet in the water. It was absolutely gorgeous... so wish I'd grabbed my camera from the car when I got there. The fresh air was wonderful and it felt good to move... even if it wasn't an intense workout & probably didn't burn too many calories.

My big weekend plans are a trip to Crate & Barrel and I'm finally going to go visit a bead store in Seattle I've been dying to get to for months now. Yay! Besides that, I'm gonna chill with The Boy One and catch up on more blogs... I'm sooooo far behind.

One final thing to mention... I FINALLY bought my plane ticket for Chicago... after getting reassurance from Draz that she isn't going to chicken out (I can't be the only band-less one there, I need her to eat with me, lol).

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Secrets Revealed...

but not the ones Draz has been waiting for. The report on Victoria and her secrets is gonna have to wait... again. Sorry Drazil... but I've got bigger fish to fry today. If I can force myself to write this, I'm about to be honest with myself and all of you in a way I've never been...

On this beautiful sunny day, rather than being outside enjoying the fantastic weather... I'm sitting inside thinking of dark, horrid days.... the days of abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse.

Why am I thinking about these things?

The short answer is that they are never far from my mind. Current events are making the thoughts harder to shove aside.

Tonight I am invited to dinner at the home of someone I spent most of my teen years loving like a second mother. Someone that I have barely spoken to and even more rarely seen as an adult.
She is the now ex-wife of the man that sexually abused me... Why am I doing this? Well, I was invited and I thought I'd be okay with it. But guess what, as the time gets closer I'm realizing I'm really not so okay with it. Just knowing that I'm going to go there and be around this woman and her daughter has my mind racing with emotions that I thought were long buried.

This family became like a second family to me and my Mom after my Dad passed away. They were junior high youth group leaders at Church. They were the type of leaders that had the group over to their home often, took us on camping trips, to concerts, all the fun times you can dream up. As soon as I was old enough, I became the primary babysitter for their three children. The man worked for a well-known computer company at the time and also did video production on the side. At 12-13 years old, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world when he would let me stay up half the night with him, watching while he was working on whatever video project he was involved with. There in that video room is where the abuse began. It started so simply (a touch on the arm that lingered too long) and progressed to things that need not be spoken of over the next five years.

The shame I carry over that time in my life is immense. I feel responsible for the fact that this man went on to sexually abuse both of his daughters. I feel like I betrayed his wife, that I loved so dearly. I know they say the child is always the victim and its NEVER their fault. At 12, perhaps I was innocent... but there has always been this part of me that feels like as I became a teenager and allowed it to continue I became partially responsible. I mean I could have put an end to it at any time... I could have stopped allowing him to take me places... I could have stopped agreeing to go babysit when I knew the wife would be away... I could have opened my mouth and said something. But nope, I kept allowing him to take me to concerts, I kept going there to babysit, I kept my mouth shut, I kept it a secret. I allowed him to continue to be a part of my life... to the point that he did my wedding video as a gift and they hosted our rehearsal dinner. It wasn't until after I had been married a few months that I finally told The Husband the truth & then eventually my Mom found out. Over the years, it has become apparent that he was a predator and I was one of several girls that he was sexually abusing at the time. He's married to one of them now... how sick is that? Still... I can't let go of the shame...

I am going to go to this dinner & do my best to leave the past where it is... maybe seeing that they have moved on and are living happy lives will help me heal.

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Last night was a bad night with The Boy One. He became violently upset - kicking and hitting me - over having to turn off his video game. He managed to kick me 8-12 times in the hip area and I'm pretty badly bruised as a result. These outbursts are becoming more and more frightening the bigger he gets. This is the worst he has ever hurt me (I couldn't sleep on that side because it hurt too much to lie on it and today it hurts to sit because of it). Besides being scared for what the future holds (I can't let him keep doing this to me, but I don't know how to stop it), the severity of the incident takes me right back to all the feelings and emotions of the abuse I've suffered at his father's hands.

I know I've eluded to physical/mental abuse in my past before... without the details. That was out of respect for The Husband and his extreme sensitivity about his privacy... but this is about me and I can't do it anymore. I can't sweep it all under the rug as a part of my past when, to a degree, it is still very much a part of my present.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this year... and for most of those 15 years I have been every bit the battered wife in one sense or another. The first five months of our marriage were pretty wonderful, then he went on deployment and came back a different man. Keep in mind this wasn't war time & he was deployed to a beautiful tropical island... paradise as he called it. Within three months of his return the physical abuse started. It started with a little push and being restrained when I wanted to move. Over the years, it progressed to repeated choking incidents and being pummelled in the back til I fell in a ball to the floor. There came a point where he was arrested, the Navy put him through their DV program and alcohol treatment, he was a "good boy" for a year and in the eyes of the law its like none of it ever happened... never mind the fact that I have permanent damage in my back as a result. Despite a couple of borderline physical incidents recently, I've told myself for years that the abuse was over. The thing is... that's a lie! Its not really over! The abuse has just changed from physical to emotional. I am controlled in new ways and made to feel like the bad person more than ever if I choose to stand up for myself or The Boy One.

Last night's incident with The Boy One forces me think about these things and face things I don't want to face...

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You might be wondering what all of this has to do with losing weight or being healthy. I know these events have deeper impact than I'm going to go into right now. But quickies for now... Even as a teenager, I was on the plump side and I think part of me hoped that if I grew plump enough this guy that sexually abused me would turn his attention elsewhere (he had a major problem with "fat" people). When you live with an abusive person, you typically do what they want, when they want... and don't rock the boat by doing things such as taking care of yourself or demanding dietary changes. Perhaps this is why I was able to finally began losing weight and being healthier when he was gone... just a thought.

For now... I'm going to get out the door and enjoy some of this beautiful weather... and think about what it would mean to step out of the shadows of my life and start truly living...

Good day, Tough Night

Saturday was a good day... The weather was fantastic. I worked. I took The Boy One across the water for an afternoon of exploring, shopping and good food. Then it all fell apart...

Around 10:00pm, I went in to suggest that The Boy One turn his game off and settle down for sleep... he'd had his pill around 8:00, so I figured he'd probably be getting sleepy. He turned the game off and practically threw it at me... telling me to "keep it for a month" because he'd been a "bad boy." This had me totally dumbfounded because his behavior was EXCELLENT on our whole outing. Other than some extra bouncing around when he got excited, there were no behavior issues & I don't even consider that a behavior issue... just an excited twelve year old jumping around like a nine year old. When I told him that he was a GREAT boy all day & asked why he thought he had been bad, he got violently upset. Not as bad as some times in the past... but kicking me and thrashing about. He fell asleep in this tense, angry mood... which is typically not him at all. All I can do is cry...

And I'm alone...

Drazil wrote about how she would be ALONE if she lost her husband and Jenny. I am very much like her in this... pretty much I have The Husband and my BFF. Yes I have other friends... but no one else nearly that close, no one that I could call without looking at the clock first. In all seriousness, there have been periods where I think I literally would have died without them. And now... The Husband has deployed... The BFF is so wrapped up with her new boyfriend that she isn't really "there" like she used to be. So in essence...

I AM ALONE!

Granted its not a permanent alone... The Husband will come home in six months... the BFF might figure out how to have a man she actually wants to spend time with and a BFF too... but for now when I'm in a ball of tears there is no one. So here I am, writing, and glad that all of you care enough to read my ramblings... it helps me feel a little less alone.

And to keep from being a total downer here...

Despite all of the emotional drama right now, I have NO desire to put food or beverage in my mouth. No emotional eating here.

I walked A LOT today... including up and down LOTS of stairs.

And, I have some really awesome pictures from our outing that I'll get posted soon . :)

Good luck to everyone doing Race for the Cure!

The Last Weekend...

Its the last weekend before deployment... and I have to say I've never felt quite this way going into a deployment.

Yes, I'm sad that he's leaving... a bit, but not like you might expect... though I'm sure it will hit me hard when the day really arrives. That's how it was last time anyway.

Yes, I'm stressed over all the last minute details... but I know it will all work itself out (it always does).

Yes, I feel a tad overwhelmed knowing that EVERYTHING is going to fall on my shoulders from now til December... but let's face it... that's pretty much how its been this whole home cycle anyway.

And this is where it gets weird (and where I find myself struggling with guilty feelings)...

There is a part of me that is genuinely looking forward to the freedom of being on my own. NOT so I can run wild... lol. But, so I can get back to the business of taking care of myself.

The bulk of the weight I've lost was when he was deployed the last time; it was so much easier being on my own. I could plan the meals I wanted (thankfully my son is really easy going in the meal department). I could schedule workout time without interruption. I could grocery shop without having a ton of extras tossed in the cart when I wasn't looking. Staying out of restaurants was so much easier. In short, I was able to focus on me without the distraction of trying to please The Husband. Ugh, now I feel sufficiently guilty all over again.

While I've been able to lose small amounts in the 18 months he's been home, its really been mainly an exercise in maintenance. I'm down roughly 10 pounds from when he came home from the last deployment. This gives me hope that if I can just get to a "goal" weight while he's gone, I'll have success in maintaining it after he gets back.

I feel like I've been doing only half the job - in terms of taking care of myself - for the last year or so. I can't wait to kick it back into high gear... which is where I find myself looking forward to time on my own... and where I start to feel incredibly guilty for the little part of me that is glad he will be leaving.

Stay tuned for my newly revised action plan... coming soon! I sooooo need a serious kick in the tush!!!!

I'm Alone, I'm Sad

and OMG, I WANT TO EAT! What is wrong with me? I'm a social eater, not an emotional eater.

But, as I've been sitting here with tears streaming down my face for the last hour, I keep thinking of what food might taste good enough to comfort me & stop the tears. This is not me, I don't do this... I swear I don't.

Why am I like this today?

Well... let's see here... Monday is the anniversary of when my Dad died and as I've hinted at in the past there are things that have come up over the last few months which are making it way harder to deal with this year... processing "new" things I guess you could say. I knew I was likely to have a hard time "dealing" over the weekend and I knew The Husband was most likely going to be stuck at work all weekend (I am & he is). So on Monday I asked the BFF if we could take the kids to Chuck E Cheese today. I try not to eat there, but the kids have fun playing (and to be honest so do I). Plus, I figured get out of the house, keep busy, I'd be okay emotionally. Its just when I'm alone with my thoughts that I can't seem to deal. Anyway, she said that would work & she'd see if her new boyfriend wanted to come along with his daughter too. No problem there, he seems to be a nice guy and his daughter gets along well with my son (no small feat there, lol).

Thursday the BFF tells me that she is sending her daughter to her Dad's for the weekend and then starts listing her plans for the weekend - clean up day at the dog park (with the bf I'm sure) and he's doing a bunch of maintenance on her vehicle for her. Whoa! What happened to our plans? But of course, I'm not in the mood for drama or excuses so I don't say anything. Bottom line, she "forgot" or decided she'd rather do something else... and I'm home... alone... crying my little eyes out... and no way to go anywhere since The Husband has our one and only vehicle at work. Yes, technically my son is home and yes, I'll probably try to get him to do something with me later in the day... but he just got a new game for his DS so that could be more fight than its worth.

I guess the silver lining to this is that there's not really any bad for me foods in the house except that chocolate from yesterday's post (thank God I don't bring them in)... now if I can just keep from going overboard what is here... Do you remember all of the cheese in the pic yesterday? Its all in the fridge along with enough bagels, english muffins & tortillas to make an elephant fat...

After all I've been through... please do not let this be where I turn into an emotional eater!