Good day, Tough Night

Saturday was a good day... The weather was fantastic. I worked. I took The Boy One across the water for an afternoon of exploring, shopping and good food. Then it all fell apart...

Around 10:00pm, I went in to suggest that The Boy One turn his game off and settle down for sleep... he'd had his pill around 8:00, so I figured he'd probably be getting sleepy. He turned the game off and practically threw it at me... telling me to "keep it for a month" because he'd been a "bad boy." This had me totally dumbfounded because his behavior was EXCELLENT on our whole outing. Other than some extra bouncing around when he got excited, there were no behavior issues & I don't even consider that a behavior issue... just an excited twelve year old jumping around like a nine year old. When I told him that he was a GREAT boy all day & asked why he thought he had been bad, he got violently upset. Not as bad as some times in the past... but kicking me and thrashing about. He fell asleep in this tense, angry mood... which is typically not him at all. All I can do is cry...

And I'm alone...

Drazil wrote about how she would be ALONE if she lost her husband and Jenny. I am very much like her in this... pretty much I have The Husband and my BFF. Yes I have other friends... but no one else nearly that close, no one that I could call without looking at the clock first. In all seriousness, there have been periods where I think I literally would have died without them. And now... The Husband has deployed... The BFF is so wrapped up with her new boyfriend that she isn't really "there" like she used to be. So in essence...

I AM ALONE!

Granted its not a permanent alone... The Husband will come home in six months... the BFF might figure out how to have a man she actually wants to spend time with and a BFF too... but for now when I'm in a ball of tears there is no one. So here I am, writing, and glad that all of you care enough to read my ramblings... it helps me feel a little less alone.

And to keep from being a total downer here...

Despite all of the emotional drama right now, I have NO desire to put food or beverage in my mouth. No emotional eating here.

I walked A LOT today... including up and down LOTS of stairs.

And, I have some really awesome pictures from our outing that I'll get posted soon . :)

Good luck to everyone doing Race for the Cure!

The Three C's of Saturday

Let me start by saying that I was truly touched by all of the kind comments after I posted yesterday. It seemed like every time I picked up my phone there was an email notification of a new post... which I swear to you is what got me through the day without inhaling all of the cheese in the house. I know you're all out there and I'm never truly alone... which I'm thankful for beyond words.

The first "C" of Saturday was crying. I cried A LOT. Can you burn extra calories from crying? If you can, maybe missing the gym was compensated for a little. There are so many things wreaking emotional havoc in my life right now and I think I do okay dealing with all most of the time. I think the whole friend thing just put me over the top as far as being able to deal. She knows what the month of March does to me & all of the extra stuff piled on it this year... at the beginning of the month we talked about how I wasn't be able to handle being alone for hours on end... and she chose not to be there... which only adds to the HUGE feelings of abandonment I struggle with in life.

I managed to do okay with my eating... other than a few too many girl scout cookies. I probably ate too many calories, I failed to track so I don't know exactly what the numbers added up to. The Husband (who btw was pretty decent when he came home & found me in tears) got home from work after the gym was closed, so no progress on Around the World for me.

The second "C" of Saturday was cooking. Since I was stuck at home, I decided I could get a jump start on today's cooking for the week.

First, I made enough pancake batter for three meals... and had some for breakfast with reduced fat peanut butter & sliced banana. YUMMY!

We had really ripe bananas sitting on the counter, so I made yummy banana bread. Only 155 calories a slice! I admit I ate two slices - one while it was warm from the oven & another later in the evening.

Next, I made my alternative to coleslaw (which I hate). Two batches - this one with chicken & then one without (thinking of the vegetarian BFF). This is pretty low calorie (a little over 100 calories per cup) and surprisingly tasty. I ate one serving of each batch, with some crunchy chow mien noodles.

For Dinner, I made these english muffin pizzas. They had turkey pepperoni, zucchini slices, mushrooms & 2% mozzarella. Not quite the real thing, but way less calories & virtually no grease!

And naturally, the final "C" of my Saturday was cleaning. The kitchen was a wreck after all that cooking!

In the evening, I worked on a necklace & bracelet... which I would show you, but they aren't done yet. I think its going to take a trip to the bead store to finish the necklace... darn it! lol

Finished the night with a hot bath, which was quite relaxing until the thought of a certain someone and her shaving trials popped into my mind. Then I was giggling & wondering if lesson 102 was available yet, lol.

Bottom line... as rough as the day was... I survived. I may have eaten a bit extra on the calories, but I didn't eat unless I felt hungry & I didn't keep eating once I felt satisfied. Maybe that is my success of the weekend... and if it is... it is enough.

Thank you again for all of the kind and encouraging comments!

I'm Alone, I'm Sad

and OMG, I WANT TO EAT! What is wrong with me? I'm a social eater, not an emotional eater.

But, as I've been sitting here with tears streaming down my face for the last hour, I keep thinking of what food might taste good enough to comfort me & stop the tears. This is not me, I don't do this... I swear I don't.

Why am I like this today?

Well... let's see here... Monday is the anniversary of when my Dad died and as I've hinted at in the past there are things that have come up over the last few months which are making it way harder to deal with this year... processing "new" things I guess you could say. I knew I was likely to have a hard time "dealing" over the weekend and I knew The Husband was most likely going to be stuck at work all weekend (I am & he is). So on Monday I asked the BFF if we could take the kids to Chuck E Cheese today. I try not to eat there, but the kids have fun playing (and to be honest so do I). Plus, I figured get out of the house, keep busy, I'd be okay emotionally. Its just when I'm alone with my thoughts that I can't seem to deal. Anyway, she said that would work & she'd see if her new boyfriend wanted to come along with his daughter too. No problem there, he seems to be a nice guy and his daughter gets along well with my son (no small feat there, lol).

Thursday the BFF tells me that she is sending her daughter to her Dad's for the weekend and then starts listing her plans for the weekend - clean up day at the dog park (with the bf I'm sure) and he's doing a bunch of maintenance on her vehicle for her. Whoa! What happened to our plans? But of course, I'm not in the mood for drama or excuses so I don't say anything. Bottom line, she "forgot" or decided she'd rather do something else... and I'm home... alone... crying my little eyes out... and no way to go anywhere since The Husband has our one and only vehicle at work. Yes, technically my son is home and yes, I'll probably try to get him to do something with me later in the day... but he just got a new game for his DS so that could be more fight than its worth.

I guess the silver lining to this is that there's not really any bad for me foods in the house except that chocolate from yesterday's post (thank God I don't bring them in)... now if I can just keep from going overboard what is here... Do you remember all of the cheese in the pic yesterday? Its all in the fridge along with enough bagels, english muffins & tortillas to make an elephant fat...

After all I've been through... please do not let this be where I turn into an emotional eater!