22 Years Ago, Ashley & Being Worth It

On this day 22 years ago, my Dad passed away. I remember the events like it was yesterday... but its taken until the last few months for me to really begin processing all of the effects that one life-changing event has had on the entire rest of my life.

My Dad passed away in the evening (ironically in the maternity ward because the hospital was so full) & that morning one of the ladies from our Church gave birth to a healthy baby girl in the very next room. I've come to realize that wasn't the only birth that day... subconsciously or not, my mind gave birth to the idea that I wasn't worth it on that day... that is the day my Mom quit.

What do I mean? I mean this is when she stopped being the Mom I'd always had. She stopped preparing healthy meals; food in the house was mostly boxed/prepared stuff & we ate out A LOT. She stopped doing things like taking me to the dentist. She became so afraid of something happening to me that I had to stay close at all times. She discouraged me from participating in school sports or doing "active" things out of fear I would become injured. She pretty much stopped being physically active, so there went my good example for that (and the opportunities). Emotionally, it was extremely difficult to turn to her for support because of things that happened during my Dad's illness. Yes, she was grieving & I'm sure doing what she considered to be the best she could. But the damage done in her state of grief is long lasting.

Watching The Biggest Loser last week, I could so relate to Ashley that I just wanted to cry for her. For all of the things that my Mom didn't do, there was one constant. It became my "job" to be like her best friend. I always had to be there. That continued in the early parts of my marriage. If The Husband wasn't at work, she expected us to be at her house. Even now, its something we argue over; she thinks we should be there way more often than is really doable with our schedule & gets offended if I say I can't come because I have to get in my gym time or do meal prep. I cried for myself when Jillian took Ashley to talk with her Mom... because my Mom would NEVER be open to that type of conversation... which makes me feel like I'm always going to have these unresolved feelings.

And how does that relate to me not being worth it as far as my health is concerned? The biggest thing was the change in eating habits. When my Dad was alive, my Mom cooked healthy meals because he struggled with high blood pressure & she has diabetes. After he passed away, the shift was dramatic. Yes, she still avoided sugar... but everything else was back on the table. Once that became the norm, I had little chance of learning what a healthy diet really was. And I've realized recently that that is the very beginning of me feeling like I wasn't worth it. It was worth her time & effort to make real meals when my Dad was there... but when it was just me, it was no longer worth her time & effort to do it. There are other reasons, but I know without doubt this is the first moment where I felt like I WASN'T WORTH IT.

As a teenager, I used to always write a letter to my Dad on this day... and one common theme was always hoping he would be proud of me and the person I was becoming. I haven't written a letter to him in years now... but I still think about it & what I might be able to do in my life that would make him proud.

This is it... for this year and beyond... Whatever is happening in my world, no matter how crazy my life is, regardless of the challenges military life presents, no matter what... I will live a life that says to myself I AM WORTH IT! That I am worth the effort to take care of myself & live a healthy lifestyle. And more importantly than that, I will do whatever it takes to teach my son that he is WORTH IT too!

What do you think the best ways are to show our children that they are worth it?

I'm Alone, I'm Sad

and OMG, I WANT TO EAT! What is wrong with me? I'm a social eater, not an emotional eater.

But, as I've been sitting here with tears streaming down my face for the last hour, I keep thinking of what food might taste good enough to comfort me & stop the tears. This is not me, I don't do this... I swear I don't.

Why am I like this today?

Well... let's see here... Monday is the anniversary of when my Dad died and as I've hinted at in the past there are things that have come up over the last few months which are making it way harder to deal with this year... processing "new" things I guess you could say. I knew I was likely to have a hard time "dealing" over the weekend and I knew The Husband was most likely going to be stuck at work all weekend (I am & he is). So on Monday I asked the BFF if we could take the kids to Chuck E Cheese today. I try not to eat there, but the kids have fun playing (and to be honest so do I). Plus, I figured get out of the house, keep busy, I'd be okay emotionally. Its just when I'm alone with my thoughts that I can't seem to deal. Anyway, she said that would work & she'd see if her new boyfriend wanted to come along with his daughter too. No problem there, he seems to be a nice guy and his daughter gets along well with my son (no small feat there, lol).

Thursday the BFF tells me that she is sending her daughter to her Dad's for the weekend and then starts listing her plans for the weekend - clean up day at the dog park (with the bf I'm sure) and he's doing a bunch of maintenance on her vehicle for her. Whoa! What happened to our plans? But of course, I'm not in the mood for drama or excuses so I don't say anything. Bottom line, she "forgot" or decided she'd rather do something else... and I'm home... alone... crying my little eyes out... and no way to go anywhere since The Husband has our one and only vehicle at work. Yes, technically my son is home and yes, I'll probably try to get him to do something with me later in the day... but he just got a new game for his DS so that could be more fight than its worth.

I guess the silver lining to this is that there's not really any bad for me foods in the house except that chocolate from yesterday's post (thank God I don't bring them in)... now if I can just keep from going overboard what is here... Do you remember all of the cheese in the pic yesterday? Its all in the fridge along with enough bagels, english muffins & tortillas to make an elephant fat...

After all I've been through... please do not let this be where I turn into an emotional eater!