Three Things

After I wrote my post last night, I actually went to bed and slept until the alarm went off! The first decent sleep I've had in a good two weeks at least; guess getting it out there really does help. One of the things I like about blogging at night is that I almost always wake up to comments... which make me happy and are a good way to start my day. Well this morning there were no comments and I was a little bummed, but they trickled in as I was getting The Boy One ready for school (and throughout the day) and I'm so thankful for each one of them. The encouragement and support means so much to me... so if you took the time to comment THANK YOU SO MUCH.


Several of you mentioned that antidepressants might help. That is something I have thought myself, in the past when I went through little phases like this, and even during this one. I don't know why that seems like admitting defeat or weakness to me and I always shy away from the idea. Or maybe its that The Husband's grandmother was addicted to antidepressants and other prescription drugs and I'm afraid it would freak him out if I were on one. But, if I don't pull myself out of this state by the end of the month, I will go to the doctor... I simply can't keep going on like this.

Chris had what I feel are excellent suggestions in her comment - to start with taking care of myself, then pick three things that required minimal time and just do them... start the ball rolling so to speak. I know I can't keep it exactly that simple with all I have to do between now and Chicago, but this is my plan for Tuesday-Thursday...

• Start the by doing something for me... a walk, taking time to make a healthy breakfast, something that equates to taking good care of my body.
• Make my list of three things that need to be done... thinking one related to The Husband, one related to The Boy One and one one related to the house. Low stress things for now.
• Get those three things done.
• After that, spend the remainder of the day doing things I truly enjoy - or I should say enjoy when I'm not a big ball of tears on the couch - like beading, scrapbooking, reading for pleasure, and dare I say it maybe even baking.

That's it... simple things that will hopefully make me start to feel a little better. I know I can't keep it exactly that simple with the trip to get ready for, but if I can do these few things to feel like I'm accomplishing something I think it will help.

My three things for today: unload/load the dishwasher, move all of the "extra" beverages & cereal to their shelves on the garage, and while not a schedule per say I did limit The Boy One's computer/video game time to one hour. Beyond that, the entire day I sat in front of the tv/computer... which isn't all bad, I actually took time to read a bunch of blogs which I enjoyed alot. Oh and I even let a friend come over for a little bit... one that would understand why she was finding me in last nights pjs at 7pm.

********************************************************************************

On another note, I think the nerves of Chicago have finally set in. I swear I wasn't nervous about it at all until I started reading other people's "fears" of what to wear and Draz's "Podunk" post, lol. I feel like I need to make an "emergency" trip to Seattle and find city clothes between now and Friday morning or pack nothing and take myself on a little shopping trip when I get there. In reality, I will pack from the clothes I already have... of which there is no shortage... and maybe try to see if I can find one new outfit to bring.

I am so excited for the trip - to meet everyone, to see a new city, to get away from the stress of home for a couple days - and jumping through last minute hoops to get there. My usual sitter had to cancel because her dad won't let her do overnight babysitting during the school year now. My ride to the airport bailed just yesterday.. apparently too busy to keep their word (whatever!). The first problem actually fixes the second problem. My Mom is coming to stay with The Boy One (which is yes more stress for me, topic for another post). But with her being here, my car won't be needed for the sitter so I can drive to the airport and leave it there. Its all coming together... just not quite the way I planned.

Found this quote online today... something to think about...

"We cannot love or be loved correctly until we love ourself correctly. Root for yourself. Love yourself. If you want to love and be loved the starting point of love begins with you."

What Came First...

The chicken or the egg???

That's pretty much how I'm feeling about the current state of affairs known as my life. Am I not taking care of myself because everything else is a mess or is everything else a mess because I'm not taking care of myself???

Something is wrong with ME. Why am I so sure of this?

The ME who is usually super organized with every detail of every event planned to the finest detail has more or less been floating at loose ends for the last several weeks. My meals haven't been planned in so long its embarrassing. Remember ME who usually measures all of her food out ahead of time and labels the packages with nutrition info? She has vanished, replaced by someone who is back to eating straight out of the package. My great kill myself at the gym plan has COMPLETELY gone down the tubes. Even outdoor physical activity has been nonexistent the last couple weeks.

Then there is the other part of my life - the Mom, wife, daughter, housekeeper part - and its not faring much better. Rather than keeping The Boy One on a schedule that helps him with his behavior etc, he has been getting away with way too much video game, tv and computer time. This is happening because I'm not getting his schedule figured out ahead of time & I don't have the mental energy to follow through with it even if I did get it done. While I try to pick up the phone every time The Husband calls, I miss it a lot (partly because he calls in the middle of the night) and I find myself "playing" on the computer for hours and "forgetting" to email him. Worse yet, here we are a little over halfway through deployment and I haven't sent him a single package or letter. (Insert side note: I got the first email from him today that said it was from ADC - guess that means he's really a Chief now lol). My Mom has to constantly remind me of stuff she needs me to do. Its so bad that I very nearly forgot the date of her court appointment, I never got in my phone and had totally spaced it. Well not totally true, I knew the date but didn't realize it was already pretty much here until the day before. Then there is the house... while its not nearly as bad as I've let it be in the past it is no where near the level of clean it was when deployment started. More than that though is all of the "projects" around the house I was planning to get to during deployment and I haven't even started the first one.

This past week especially there have been days when I literally would lie on the couch and couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Even the thought of going to my favorite little clothing store in town couldn't get my butt off the couch. I'm sad... my heart is heavy... my limbs feel heavy... my head feels on the verge of a migraine all the time... my chest wall pain is surfacing almost daily. I am not ME and I want ME back!

I think I know the cause... someone (well a couple of someones) hurt me very deeply... to the core of my soul... over a few week period immediately preceding the loss of ME. Even typing that makes me cry all over again. These were people that I considered friends and went way out of my way to help when they needed it. But, no matter how much I did or how I tried it was never enough or I was doing it for the wrong reasons or it was a crime when I wanted it to be my turn to get a little consideration... and worse than that they did everything in their power to alienate me from mutual friends. Its hard and it hurts me more than words can possibly express... it makes me want to close myself off from people so I don't have to feel pain anymore... but that is not ME and I want to be ME again.

I think I've written before about how hard it is for me to let go of hurt once it has happened and how it will plague me for a very long time. I need to learn to let go... of this hurt and a world of other hurts... so that I can be ME again. The million dollar question is HOW? How do I get out of this huge funk? Where do I start? Do I start with taking care of myself? Do I take care of everything and everyone else first (which is my usual pattern of behavior)? How do I get back to being ME????

************************************************************************************

On a happier note: The Boy One continues with his healthy ways. The were having a case lot sale at the Commissary and he chose a case of plain Cheerios over Cocoa Puffs! Bargain happy Mom was pleased... they ended up being $1.15 a box and we won't need cereal again til Christmas. :-)

I'm In Love!!!

Today was my Mom's trip to Bankruptcy Court, so I spent my morning driving her there... listening to her chatter... all the while mentally writing my next blog post. Then this happened...



We went to lunch... Mexican more precisely... and I fell head over heals in love... with this salad!

The Tapatia Salad

Menu Description: Carne asada, romaine lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, onion, corn, avocado, asparagus, black olives, whole beans, tortilla strips, ranchero cheese and their own vinegar dressing

Just to let you all know, when I go to Mexican I usually eat one of two entrees and don't even look at the menu, so the fact that I ended up ordering this salad is somewhat of an anomaly. This was a Mexican restaurant I've been to numerous times, but they had changed the menu since my last visit, so I actually took a look at the menu. The first thing that struck me is that they actually had new healthier choices - from Veggie fajitas to Spinach Enchiladas - all vegetarian. Then my eyes went down the page to salads - I've never seen a menu with so many salads - a dozen in all. When I visited LA a couple of years ago I had a steak salad at this little char-broil joint that I adored, so when I saw this salad I was hoping for a similar taste and decided to give it a shot.

What I got instead was quite seriously the BEST salad I have ever eaten in my life! Their menu description doesn't even begin to do it justice. The carne asada was very thinly sliced, super tender, very moist, and not even a hint of fat to be found. The asparagus was grilled to perfection... six whole pieces. The onions and tomatoes were diced small... almost like pico de gallo... with the corn mixed in. The vinegar dressing was just the right amount of tangy and didn't seem to have much oil in it. I swear this was the PERFECT salad!

I almost feel guilty for how much I loved this salad, lol. I mean how many times have you heard or been told that you shouldn't get your happiness from food? From the moment they set this salad in front of me, my entire mood changed. The presentation was so beautiful and such a surprise considering this is just your average Americanized Mexican restaurant we were sitting in. Then I took my first bite of it and literally fell head over heals in love! The way the flavors blended together was AMAZING!!! It was sooooo good, I was immediately torn between savoring each bite and shoveling in as much of the yummy flavor as I could as fast as I could. After the first couple of shoveled in bites, I settled down and opted to savor each and every bite that entered into my mouth. By the time I was done - I was well satisfied - and wanting to lick the plate. I swear if the guy had not come along to pick it up when he did, he may have found me finger licking it.

Believe it or not, there really is a point to me telling you all about this wonderful salad. The point is this, its been a really long time since I truly enjoyed eating a meal as much as this. Its always been one of my goals to only use (waste) calories on foods that were truly satisfying to the taste buds and enjoying this salad the way I did made me realize that I have really slacked off on that the last few months. I've been eating whatever happened to be available or what would pass for moderately healthy without giving enough thought to what the food really tasted like or if I was enjoying it. This salad serves as a wake up call to how far off track I have let myself get while attempting to please those around me. I have no idea what the calories/fat for the salad were (they didn't have nutritional info), but to me it doesn't matter as much as the wake up call it provided.

Quick note about scale day: I gained a pound in the last two weeks. Not what I would have liked to see, but what I expected for the effort (or lack of effort) I've given things the last few weeks.

Oh, I have news about my Mom and the BOOBS too. She no longer thinks I am going to be assaulted, strangled or killed during the course of the weekend. It only took explaining to her weekly since May what I was doing & why I was doing it. Some peoples mothers... lol.

Be back soon with my original - still in my brain - post...

Comfort Food Fest

On this cloudy, gray Sunday my BFF decided enough is enough and "forced" me to participate in Comfort Food Fest. So she didn't force me... more I allowed myself to indulge in a variety of foods that I usually limit to once in a while... all in the same night. We are talking HUGE quantities of pasta salad (have I ever mentioned that she makes the best pasta salad on the planet?), some tortilla chips & queso and a sizable bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream. Yes, I know bad, bad & more bad food choices... especially in the quantities and having them all in one huge meal.

But ya know what???

It was so nice to have someone care enough and want to spend a little of their time taking care of me that I would have eaten anything that was put in front of me.

Do I feel guilty for participating in Comfort Food Fest?

I feel guilty for a multitude of things... but this is not one of them.

One thing I do feel guilty about is my lack of blogging the last few months. Yes, summer was busy & time to write was a premium. Yes, there were days when I was plain & simply just too dang tired to do it. Yes, there were days (a few) when I literally had nothing on my mind to share. But, in all honesty, its more than that. The simple truth is that a lot of days I have chosen not to write because I was so miserable that I could hardly stand to be around myself, the thought of putting together a happy post was more than I could do, and the last thing I want is to be one of those people that writes negative post upon negative post. So I have sat in silence...

This is far from my first deployment... but its different in so many ways than any I have experienced before. Considering the state of my marriage for most of the last fifteen years, deployments have become something like a breath of fresh air for me - a time when I can breathe and be my true self for a few months. I still feel that sense of being able to breathe this time... its the being my true self part that I'm not feeling. I don't even know who or what that is anymore.

In the midst of being so sad and uncertain, I'm so thankful for a BFF that actually sees the need and takes the time to care even though she is incredibly busy. I hope everyone has someone they can turn to in time of need... because I'm once again reminded of how important that is... the difference it can make.

Cherry On Top Award

Today I was nominated for an award by Sarah at Simple, Sassy Sarah! Thanks Sarah!!!

The Rules for this award:

1. Answer the question: If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

Wow, just one thing? lol. I would go back to when The Husband was out of the house & I had the protection order against him... and I would choose to verify the things he told me rather than naively taking his word for it & letting him come back.

2. Pick 6 people and give them this award. You then have to inform the person that they have been selected for the award.

Drazil (of course, lol)

Melissa

Carmen

Chris

Julia

Kristen

3. You have to thank the person (people) who gave you the award. Done! :)

Jeans n Stuff

First things first... NO, I have not hit a size 8 in jeans. It seems I should have worded more carefully in my last post. A few posts ago, I wrote about the deal I have with a buddy of mine that we can each get new jeans when we lose 15 pounds... so in my last post I was at 8 pounds to go for new jeans... which if my estimations are correct will be a size 10 or 12... probably a 12.

This week I chose to skip scale day... okay maybe I didn't exactly choose to... its more like I was too stressed out and rushed to take the time on my way out the door. We finally had the appointment at the Autism Center for The Boy One. The doctor there suggested some strategies for dealing with the aggression to try before we jump to medication. He also said that he suspects part of the aggression may be connected to puberty issues. So... we will try the strategies and see how that goes.

Oh, The Boy One had his final session of physical therapy today. They gave him a nice little certificate and a big choclate chip cookie. I know it may not seem like much to talk about... but for us its like a successful sports season or passing a tough class. He's worked so hard with her to get to where he is today and I'm a proud mama.

In other news... I got the results from my girlie exam... and now I'm on what my friend calls the "frequent prodding program." Abnormal cells means extra screening... yay me! Trying not to stress myself out about it because I know these things happen to a lot of women without it ever turning into anything serious. But there is the little girl in me that has been scared to death of the big C for longer than I can remember.

This week is all about getting back into the swing of a fall routine. This weekend is about planning my time, my meals, my workouts. Monday I will be back on track... no excuses... no getting sidetracked... no wasting time on people who bring me down.

One last thing... because its fall and I love to eat soup in the fall... Do you have a favorite homemade soup recipe to share? :)

Because I Promised...

Because I promised that my next post would be a happy post... it has taken me a few days to gather myself. As I was logging on to blogger to post Wednesday morning, I also logged into Facebook. On Facebook, I found out that a man I have spent my whole life considering a grandpa had passed away the night before. This is a man that I associate more childhood memories with than I do with my biological grandfather or even my dad. As I have spent time reflecting, he is also one of the major people that was a part of the memories I do have with my dad. This is the man that I attribute my love of hiking and the spontaneous road trip to. He was the kind of guy that would wake up on a Saturday morning and decide the Church kids should go on an adventure & within an hour or two we'd all be out in the middle of no where somewhere. When my Dad was sick, he and his son (who both worked at the same company as my Dad) took turns making sure I still felt connected to that part of my life. I have been sad and cried tears... but I have also been thankful in the last few days. He was suffering so badly from Parkinson's for so many years.. and I know the suffering is over. I also know he is in a better place, with his Savior (as his grandson posted on facebook). Its totally one of those moments where the tears are for me and those that will feel the loss. He will be so missed, by so many... but I know his legacy will live on through all of the lives he touched.

Good news from scale day... that mean little box on the floor read 194 lbs!!!! That's a total of 7 lbs lost since I got home from my trip to Cali!!! Considering I've been slacking off on monitoring my food and not anywhere near my usual activity level, I'm extremely pleased. And this means... jeans in 8... so I'm almost half way there!!! I am so dying for new jeans its not even funny.. but I have resisted... had a great time finding tops at Value Village the other day though.

My Mom has The Boy One for a few days & I am mostly just enjoying time to be with my own thoughts and figure out what is good for ME! Its soooooo nice. Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend! :)

Draz Has LONG Arms...

I swear its true... she has arms that can reach all the way to Washington and make me feel better. Okay not really, but her words do wonders. Earlier today, my Facebook status read "is hurting to the core of her soul right now and probably will be for a good while." Now keep in mind here that Draz is one of my only FB friends that I haven't personally met... and yet she is the first one to pop up and ask what's going on. When I tell her that its been a really rough day with The Boy One and need a hug, she immediately tells me to close my eyes and feel her arms. Reading that made me cry harder than I already was... but then I felt a little better. No, I couldn't literally feel her arms... but her words and the few seconds it took her to type them helped so much.



The truth is... rough day with The Boy One is an understatement. Though my physical injuries are not as severe as the last time, I think in some ways it was actually worse. What instigated it was his extreme fear and anxiety over meeting a new therapist. And though he didn't strike me as hard as before (I was better positioned and prepared), it did go on longer and he was more aggressive in nature... literally jumping up off the couch to come after me. Eventually he slammed into his room and I could hear stuff flying. I was certain I would walk into the room to find damage to the walls and/or door... but luckily everything seems to be okay. His room, however, is a worse disaster than it was before. Clearly we never made it to meet the new therapist. I told him if we didn't go he was going to responsible for paying the missed appointment fee with his own money... which he happily did. Apparently $10 was worth it to stay home from meeting the new therapist. Beyond that, he isn't in trouble per say... I don't know how to discipline for it when it was clearly caused by his fear of meeting someone new & not tied to anything I can take away from him. We did have a long talk about what can happen if this type of behavior continues and he seemed genuinely scared by the prospects. Still, I don't know if any of it is enough to keep him from lashing out the same way again.

If there is a bright side to this trying day, it might be this... I've had no appetite, no interest in food. So scale day may be extra kind to me tomorrow. I took a peek earlier today and it was already looking favorable, so hopefully I will have good news to report soon.

And a funny story to finish... supplied by The Boy One (after his meltdown)... when asked if he wanted leftover meat and baked potato for dinner, he informed me that he isn't eating meat anymore. When I questioned him, he said its mean to eat animals like pigs. So I asked him if he is going to b3become a vegetarian and he said yes. Then a couple minutes later he asked for a cheeseburger, lol. When I reminded him that hamburger comes from cows, he was like "that's okay, just no pigs for me." Now the question is when do I burst his bubble? He LOVES bacon!

I swear I'm writing you all a happy post tomorrow! :)

Summer Craziness!

Here I am again - looking at how many days its been since I last posted - thinking how could it really have been so long?!?! August has been a crazy month, well the whole summer really, but this month in particular. In light of previous posts about my home situation and several long discussions with trusted friends I decided that I needed to start taking care of some long over due things... like trips to the doctor and dentist while I have good coverage... which has opened up all sorts of new heartache. Like I have any more energy to deal with stress or heartache... seriously its amazing I'm not eating whole pizzas and Costco packs of chocolate.

The routine - lets get a checkup - appointment at the doctor turned into two referrals to specialists, extensive blood work and the decision to go off the pill and get Mirena instead. Specialist #1 is to get spot removed off my eyelid - but guess what - since it can't be done on base the insurance won't cover it. Specialist #2 is to look at some suspicious spots on my skin. Yes, I know I'm whiter than the paper in my printer... so yeah I'm a little concerned about this. **** TMI ALERT **** Mirena is a good thing - I mean no remembering to take a pill and I don't feel sick from taking the pill - TOM came to visit within a couple days after I got it and stopped taking the pills... and has yet to leave - two weeks later. UGH!!!

The dentist was/is a nightmare. Quick back story: My Mom never took care of my oral health or took me to a dentist growing up and as a result I have extensive problems with my teeth. During my adult life we have spent thousands trying to correct the damage... all to no avail apparently. The dentist did his routine exam and recommended removing all of the upper teeth and almost all of the lower ones as well. Its one of those things where I knew the day was coming, but hearing it from him brought back all of the anger and hurt I have spent my whole life feeling toward my Mom over this. When the physical pain of it gets bad, the anger always resurfaces. There was NO excuse for not taking me to a dentist or at least making sure I had a toothbrush and toothpaste. So now... our out of pocket expense to do what the dentist says I need done is a little over $6,200!!! Besides the anger and hurt with my Mom over this... it makes me feel trapped in a situation I don't want to be in. The only bright side at all is I talked to him about it and he said to do whatever it takes to get the money to pay for it... even selling some of his precious sports card collection (but then I feel guilty about that idea with everything else going on in my mind).

The Husband Update... in his words... "I made it, I finally made it!" That's the call I got from him about two weeks ago when he called to tell me he made Chief. Its a big accomplishment and regardless of everything else, I'm still proud of him. He's worked hard for it and because of choices he made for the sake of the family a lot of people thought he would never make it. Deployment is half over... I have mixed feelings about that... as I'm sure you can imagine if you've read my previous posts.

In healthy living news... I've managed to get my butt out the door and be active almost every day since I last posted. The weather has been pretty amazing and having the beach a five minute walk from the house helps tremendously. We did the walk on ferry ride across the water and walked all over the little town there - including up and down this steep staircase a few times. While The Boy One was staying with Grandma I drove up toward the mountains a did a couple of short hikes - both in very safe, well travelled places. We've been beach & fort exploring all over the island. I'm so thankful that there are so many good active outings close to home - its really a fantastic place to live during the summer.

Food has been kind of hit or miss the last few weeks. At home, I've been eating healthy enough for the most part... other than my current ice cream fetish, lol. The problem is too much restaurant food... too much good restaurant food. With being a little careful about my menu choices, only eating foods that I truly enjoy the taste of, skipping appetizers and desserts, and choosing water I think even the restaurant splurges haven't done that much damage.

Since I got home from my trip to Cali, I've lost 5 lbs... so I'm not going to complain. That said, I am looking forward to school starting so I can get back to a better routine - with less restaurant food and MORE gym time... its scary (in a good way) how much I miss that place.

Time for a little blog speed reading... I've missed so much in this summer craziness... hope everyone is doing well! :)

Adios to the 200s... AGAIN! & Vacation Report At Last

Again... and for the absolute LAST time... I have said farewell to a number on the scale that starts with 2. I swear it will NEVER, EVER happen again! When I hopped on the scale this morning and it read 198.8 I could have done a happy dance... it was a like a huge sigh of relief to see that I am recovering fairly quickly from my vacation gain.

Jeans in 15 has now become jeans in 12.8.

And back to the vacation.. long overdue... but I want to share my adventure with you. It was seriously one of the most active vacations I've ever been on... which I guess is why I was a little surprised by the amount I gained (even though I ate like a pig at way too many good restaurants). Sorry I don't have pictures to add at the moment, they are stuck on a different computer. :(

Day one of my vacation, I went to preschool, lol. My niece is a preschool teacher and she had one more day of work before her vacation started. We took the kids to a park to play, it was about a six block walk each direction. Then on her lunch hour we walked about four blocks each way to get food. Oh and that night after she was off work we went to REI and I got some awesome hiking boots on clearance for a great deal (I LOVE me a bargain!).

Day two was antique stores, bead store & laundry... nothing too exciting.

Day three we took the ferry from Oakland to Fisherman's Wharf. We walked all over, including a several block trek to find a Starbucks (apparently its the only coffee she finds to be worth drinking). That would also be the day we ate at both Bubba Gump and the Hard Rock Cafe.... and I don't regret a single food choice I made that day.

Day four we visited Point Reyes Lighthouse out on the California coast. It was breathtakingly beautiful & freezing cold. The winds were intense and even though we had bundled for winter, it was still chilly. The walk from the parking area to the lighthouse area is something near a mile I think. But its the trek from there to the lighthouse that makes this an intense active experience, they even have a sign posted warning people how strenuous it is. The stairs that lead to the lighthouse are equal to a 30-story building! Going down was naturally easier than coming up. Before we started back up, I joked that we were about to put all my stairmaster time to the test. Turns out that all the effort on the stairmaster really has paid off... I was able to easily do the 30 stories back up & actually sprinted most of the way. When I got to the top I was barely even breathing hard & didn't break a sweat!!!! Seriously a year ago even, that would have been a VERY different story! I was pretty proud of myself and even considered going back to the bottom to do it a second time. Truthfully the only that stopped me was the wind blowing 40mph all around me. If you ever get the chance to visit, do it! Its so worth it, both from the exercise standpoint and the sheer beauty of the place.

Day five was another AWESOME day! We started out by meeting my brother and sister in law for lunch. I hadn't seen my brother for a couple years, thought I wasn't going to see him this trip, so this was a great surprise for me. After lunch, we set out for the Golden Gate Bridge. We parked and took some pictures from the park that overlooks the bridge. Let's just say I wasn't thinking clearly, 40mph winds up there and I was in shorts and a little tank top. By the time I got back to the car I couldn't feel my fingers. Next, we walked across both spans of the bridge to the San Fransisco side and back.... round trip is right around four miles. For the walk I was smart enough to grab a jacket, but my legs were like giant icicles by the time we got back to the car. Walking across the bridge was amazing... it totally ranks right up there with top moments in my life. There was just something about experiencing such a well-known historic landmark in that way that is hard to put into words.

By day six, I was admittedly a bit on the sore side after two really active days in a row. But nevertheless, we went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. It was a lot of fun. We saw the dolphin show and whale show. The dolphins drenched me, so I spent the rest of the day drying out... not so fun. This was another one of those little victories... being able to truly experience and enjoy the park with NO worries about fitting on the rides. Its amazing how something so simple can lead to such feelings of freedom and inner-peace.

So there it is... the run down on the most active vacation of my life. All in all it was a great trip and I have to say in addition to being the most active... it was also the most fulfilling vacation I've ever been on.

Next stop on my travels.... CHICAGO!!! I can't wait...

Emotional Overload

Those two words pretty much sum up my life right now. Besides all of the other stuff I've shared recently there is an additional situation wreaking havoc on my heart. If I've never mentioned it before... let it be known I have little ability to cope with rejection and am extremely easily hurt. Once hurt, healing the hurt is next to impossible... I may squash it down and try to put it in the back of my mind... but honestly it NEVER really goes away.

And right now I've been attacked and rejected for no other reason than the fact that I exist... and I'm hurt... beyond hurt. Its all I could do to make it through the day without breaking down in tears. It was so bad that even the idea of retail therapy held no appeal - after all that would have required gathering myself enough to enter a store and pretend to happy (or at least not falling apart).

This is the thing... I've put myself in a bubble of sorts to avoid feelings of hurt. As bad as things are here sometimes with The Husband - he may get under my skin, irritate the crap out of me, make me want to scream in aggravation - he has pretty much zero ability left to hurt me emotionally (I suspect because I am so emotionally detached from him). Things that happen with The Boy One may hurt my heart because I wish things could be easier or better for him & they may bring up tough to swallow emotions connected to what his father did to me... but they don't hurt ME in terms of who I am. Even my Mom's ability to hurt me is diminished as I've come to terms with who she is and why she acts the way she does. Unfortunately there are still people that have the ability to hurt me... dang it!

And as if that isn't enough on its own... I get this phone call from The Husband. He is completely freaking out over a status I put on Facebook a few days ago - something about considering options. Of course his mind automatically jumps to the wrong conclusions and he goes off on me telling me how inappropriate it was for me to put that when he is thousands of miles away. Seriously, that could have been about a hundred different things - it was actually about something to do with my blog (more on that later) - no need to get your boy panties in a bunch. Classic example of something that irritates me, but has no ability to hurt me. Yes, there was a day when I would have been crushed at what he was implying, but that time has passed I guess.

The emotions of the day (the last couple really) definitely have had an impact. Food was miserable today- Mexican for lunch followed by pizza for dinner. On the bright side, I didn't snack during the day or evening and I limited myself to two pieces of pizza at dinner. Yesterday exercise was more or less non-existent. Tonight, I drove across town and walked on the beach for an hour or so as the sun was setting and even dipped my feet in the water. It was absolutely gorgeous... so wish I'd grabbed my camera from the car when I got there. The fresh air was wonderful and it felt good to move... even if it wasn't an intense workout & probably didn't burn too many calories.

My big weekend plans are a trip to Crate & Barrel and I'm finally going to go visit a bead store in Seattle I've been dying to get to for months now. Yay! Besides that, I'm gonna chill with The Boy One and catch up on more blogs... I'm sooooo far behind.

One final thing to mention... I FINALLY bought my plane ticket for Chicago... after getting reassurance from Draz that she isn't going to chicken out (I can't be the only band-less one there, I need her to eat with me, lol).

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Victoria Secret, Shaving & Jeans in 15

That's the deal I struck with a friend of mine tonight... new jeans for both of us when we each lose 15 pounds. This was his pronouncement tonight... his way of pacing his spending since the jeans he's eyeing are over $300. Seriously, who buys jeans for $300???? Let's just say he shops at Nordstrom while I spend my time in Ross, lol. Anyway, it seemed like a good idea and I agreed to it... cuz let me tell you all right now I did plenty of shopping on my vacation. No joke - I had to go to Ross & buy another suitcase to come home. Thank goodness I flew Southwest so I could check a second bag without paying.

Margatini Night was lots of fun. Our favorite bartender wasn't there, but the chick didn't do too bad with our drinks. I think the waiter had a serious crush on my BFF and we took full advantage... pretty sure he was blushing under that dark skin of his, lol. Then there was the guy sitting across from us that had statue of liberty hair, high water pants & socks pulled up to his knees. Oh and I can't forget the waitress flitting around the restaurant that had her hair done to look like a Holly Hobbie doll. It all combined for a much needed giggle for both of us.

The time has come... to share the story of my most recent visit to Victoria Secret. Let me start by saying that I'm standing there digging through the baskets of discounted bras & across the table from me is this very uncomfortable looking guy with his wife/girlfriend. The woman and I are both loading up on the pretty colored bras in our respective sizes. She then starts pulling out some neutral, beige ones. He looks at them, frowns and says something about those not being nearly as sexy as the colored ones. Without even thinking, I look up and say to him... "bras aren't always about sex appeal for the guy; girls need them for function too ya know." The poor guy (who I have little sympathy for) turned about six shade of red, lol.

After gathering my arm load of possibilities I headed to the fitting room... which was an experience in itself. Eight bras all in my supposed size... the first one was so tight I would have been lucky to squeeze one of the girls into the darn thing! It was so darn tight, I literally felt like the life was being squeezed out of me... I swear it was really mismarked, some one's idea of a joke or I was being secretly video taped. Bras 2-5 all had enough extra room for me to grow into (no thank you). Number six turned out to be pure perfection... good fit, a smidge of wiggle room, no spillage and flaming red! I didn't bother trying the last two. Now what to do with the flaming red bra?!? Well go out and find matching panties of course, lol.

The best part of the Victoria Secret experience... I managed to totally avoid the over helpful sales girl that wanted to come in there and feel me up. Pretty sure I can happily live the rest of my life without the sales girl coming to adjust things for me. That ranks right up there with my "love" of female OB docs... would so rather have a guy digging around down there (sorry if that's TMI)... is that weird?

And since my post is spiraling toward the gutter... I just as well share this too... an NSV of sorts.

There I was in the bathroom - shortly before my trip - shaving the whootananny region. SIDE NOTE: Is it bad that I now think of Draz and her "powder" experiment every time I'm doing this? Anyway... I realized as I was shaving... OMG, I can see everything now!!!! I don't know when that happened... but wow in an oh um sorta way, lol! 50 pounds ago, 40 pounds ago, 30 pounds ago... I had to use a mirror when I was shaving if I wanted to see everything... so this is HUGE.

Enough gutter talk... next up is a vacation report. For now though, I must go fall into bed...