Here I am

Did you all think I was lost forever? I was beginning to think so. Things have gone from busy, busy to insanely hectic. I wrote my "secrets" post, went to the dinner, and then before I knew it my vacation day had arrived. I've been home for a few days and am slowly settling into a normal routine.... whatever "normal" is.


The dinner was interesting... the topic of what happened to me didn't come up, but he came up in conversation. Something I never knew at the time - he was physically abusive to her during their marriage. To the point that to this day, she can't be tickled or restrained. It makes me think that in some way I was conditioned to end up in an abusive relationship... that being one of the primary examples of a relationship I saw growing up. Bottom line, I survived the dinner and didn't feel overly traumatized by it...


As far as stepping out of the shadows goes... I'm thinking long and hard on a lot of things. Knowing what you should do intellectually is so much easier than actually doing it... and there are so many warring factors rattling around in my brain & heart. I feel like I'm trapped on a huge roller coaster that dives every time I have something figured out. Seriously think its time to find a new shrink...

Trying to get back into the swing of things after vacation (which I must share about soon) has been a challenge. The good news is The Boy One did amazingly well with the sitter for the whole week! More good news, vacation was very active for me! Now for the not so good news... I hate a TON of yummy food while I was gone - Cheesecake Factory, Bubba Gump, Hard Rock Cafe, In-n-Out (twice), IHOP, a couple Mexican places, the best sushi place ever... not to mention my niece made pancakes for breakfast almost every morning. I stepped on the scale with tightly clenched fists this morning... to see a number I swore I would never see again unless I was pregnant - 201. Seriously, I could cry and cry and cry and cry! This is NOT good! I am so disappointed in myself. I mean I know it was vacation and all, but really?!? And when you hear about all the active stuff we did, you're gonna know that I must have been eating for a small village to gain so much weight.

After the shocker on the scale... and after drying the literal river that flowed in the bathroom as a result... I went to Safeway where chicken was on sale for really cheap and the commissary. Now the house is stocked with plenty of healthy options to last until payday. I already planned my Wednesday for a full workout at the gym and an evening walk. Enough settling in time... its time to get back to business. For now I"m going to take all freakin 201 pounds of me to bed... sleep is a good thing. Looking forward to catching up with everyone. Thanks for not abandoning me in my absence. :)

Scale Day Report & Other Ramblings

197.8... that's the number that greeted me on the scale this morning. That's a gain of nearly two pounds (1.8 to be exact). Am I upset? Am I beating myself up? Nope, not at all. Yes, I'm disappointed in the gain... but at the same I am well aware that it could have been much worse considering the week I had. Though it was a rough week, I'm right back into my normal routine... so onward with no huge fits of regret.

I kept exercise to a minimum today - one hour on the bike. Its really all of the time I had. This new schedule The Husband is on BLOWS big time. If I go back to sleep in the morning (like I did today) there is no way I can get enough gym time before he has to leave for work. Here we are on day two of the schedule & he's already moaning about not getting to see me...

Food started out on a good note today - breakfast was oat pancakes with a little reduced fat peanut butter & sliced banana - and has gone steadily downhill from there. Trying to accommodate the family, I bought a package of hot dogs planning to eat one. Well, I ate my one for lunch... and let me tell ya right now it will be super easy to stick to just one - the thing was beyond nasty! It was a "quality brand" but the taste was so gross, I barely choked it down (seriously should have thrown it away & eaten something else). This type of experience is good because yeah I won't be tempted by the rest of the package sitting there, but bad because I will be munchy hungry because I was so unsatisfied by the meal. Sure enough, an hour or so later I found myself in the kitchen browsing the cupboards. I ended up making some nachos... but at least I measured - 1 oz of tortilla chips with 1 1/2 oz of 2% Mexican blend cheese. That seems to have ebbed the munchies... thank goodness! Dinner tonight is Erika's wonderful pasta salad... I will try not to overindulge... I may need two glasses of water before I eat, lol.

Have you ever noticed that the gym you go to in an effort to get (or be) healthy also offers an array of "unhealthy" options? This had never really occurred to me before, but one of my cousins posted on her Facebook status that she was thinking of tanning at the gym today & it started me thinking. My gym is filled with "unhealthy" options! There's the tanning beds - which I understand bronzed skin is important to some people - but knowing that tanning is as dangerous if not more so than exposure to the sun, I'll take a pass on that "unhealthy" option. Then there's the Smoothie Bar - beckoning by the front counter as I walk toward the exit. Every drink there is a minimum of 300 calories for the small ones & loaded with sugar. My only saving grace is that I rarely take my purse into the building & no money means no smoothie for me - which is a good thing. Why is it that this place that is there to encourage a "healthy lifestyle" offers all of these unhealthy options?

Does your gym offer "unhealthy" options? What are they?

Consistently Inconsistent

Consistently inconsistent... or maybe its a consistently on-again/off-again. It seems like I've been bouncing back & forth between good weeks & not so good weeks... and the scale totally reflects this. Today I am up just a bit, 0.6 lbs. Ugh, another freakin gain!!!

While I could be all discouraged by this slight increase, I'm not... especially considering the truth of my week. Yes, I had meals planned and yes, I had exercise planned. But ya know this my life and things rarely go according to plan. I ended up eating restaurant food... hmm... 4-5 times & I had planned for once or twice at the most. Six days of exercise turned into just three days. Its a minimal increase & I'm just going to shove it from my mind.

There are so many other things that tell the story of how I'm doing. Even though I've spent my "shopping allowance" for the month, I went to Maurices yesterday, just to try on clothes. Retail therapy without the guilt of overspending... hmmm I didn't know I was capable of such a thing, but apparently I am. The condensed version, I tried on about a dozen different outfits, all but one from the regular side of the store. The one from the plus size side, size 14 Capri's & cute little t-shirt were obviously too big. I've been on the regular side for awhile, but still bouncing back & forth for some things. So according to the lovely ladies at the store, I have officially graduated & am no longer allowed to look at the plus size side of the store. :)

I am thinking about changing what I use to track my food and exercise. Definitely want something easy to navigate on the computer and on my phone as well. What do you use?

I have more to share today... so I'll be back... right now I'm off to ponder ways to become consistently consistent!

The Husband & The Scale Have Formed An Alliance!!!

I swear to you it is true - The Husband & The Scale have formed some sort of evil alliance... and right now I have some choice words running through my mind for the both of them. See I think it goes something like this:

The Husband walks into the bathroom & The Scale says to him: "I'm tired of displaying a smaller number week after week. I feel so small and insignificant as the numbers go down. Please! Help me!!! I NEED to see those big numbers... for my self esteem!" (At this point The Scale is near tears... I'm sure of it.)

The Husband thinks about this & tells The Scale: "Well, I don't know what I can do."

The Scale continues his (yes it is definitely a "he") plight: "You know this isn't all about me, its about you too. Think of all the things you're missing out on while my numbers are going down."

This catches The Husband's attention and as he exits the bathroom, he says "You have no idea what I'm missing. Help is on the way!"


For The Husband's part, he puts his plan into practice on regular basis - nearly every day & sometimes more than once in the same day. He has devised a multi-step plan of attack to help The Scale. Step one: "Innocently" want to take me out to breakfast or lunch. Step two: Repeatedly carry on about how he wants pizza, a cheeseburger, Mexican food, fill in the blank with any other indulgence you can think of. He usually will persist with pleading until I have given in to one of these steps; there comes a point where its give in or deal with his "unhappiness." Step three: He will bring home a bag of chips (or other munchies), open them & leave the bag sitting out on the counter to tempt me each & every time I walk through the kitchen. Step Four: When we are out & about, he will ever so "conveniently" want to stop off at 7-11 & become upset if I refuse to go into the store with him. Its like he wants to suck me into that world of temptations... Seriously WTH???

I know its up to me what I put in my body... but oooohhhhhh the pure pressure (and utter lack of support)... this little alliance of theirs has assisted me in eating:

• pizza
• cookies
• ice cream
• taco bell
• hot dogs
• jalapeno cream cheese taquitos
• sugary soda
• hash browns
• french toast
• breakfast sausage
• chips & queso

And, that's all in just the last week! Yikes!!!!

The Scale was handsomely rewarded by their evil alliance today... it was more than happy to display a number 2.4 higher than last weeks number. You could almost feel it doing a little happy dance under me.

Guess what?!? Its time to break up the evil alliance, IMMEDIATELY. I'm gonna kick them both in the butt!

Honestly, doesn't The Scale know that BIGGER isn't always BETTER?!? And as for The dear sweet Husband... if he wants that crap he can get it on his own time!

Scale? Husband? Do you hear me? Your time together is OVER!!!!