The Accidental Fat Chick

Kids & Food

2010-10-15T01:06:00.000-07:00

It seems there has been a flurry of chatter in blogland about kids & diet talk, etc. This is a post I've been working on all week - I swear something must be in the air - and thinking about much longer.

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A few weeks ago, I was at dinner with a friend, his two daughters and The Boy One. The oldest girl is the same age as The Boy One (12) & is very nearly my size. So, at dinner she ordered this HUGE platter meal - literally enough food to feed me for an entire day - and proceeded to eat the entire thing! Upon completion of the meal (er, feast), she looks at The Boy One and says, "Look how much food I just ate!!!" There was such a look of satisfaction on her face & glee in her voice. Her joy over this "feat" made me sick to my stomach. It was all I could do to bite my tongue. I felt just sad for her... sad that she thinks eating like that is something to be proud of... sad that her father apparently knows very little about nutrition and what it means to eat healthfully.

Since that day, I have paid careful attention when dining out. The occurrence with her really opened my eyes... but it is far from isolated. It seems nearly every time I dine out, I see/hear children being praised for the amount of food they eat and/or chastised if they dare to leave food on their plate. In one instance, I actually heard a mother tell her child, "I'm paying for that meal and we are not leaving here til you eat every bite." And omg, a trip to the buffet (where I go only for sushi) about had me wanting to cry for the children being allowed to go back for three and four plates of food.

Here in blogland, I have read multiple accounts of people who do things like preparing two meals each night - one healthy meal for themselves and then the "usual" stuff for their kids/spouses, purchase school lunches for their children while packing a healthy lunch for themselves, etc.

All of this has gotten me to thinking A LOT about kids & food. While I would NEVER encourage my child or any other to "diet," I do think we have a responsibility to teach children the importance of eating healthy, nutritious foods.

While I understand the temptation to feed kids a different set of food from what we eat when we are trying to lose weight, I have to be honest and say its not something I agree with doing.

How many of us site how important our children are & wanting to be more actively involved with them as a reason for wanting to lose weight/get healthy? If that is true, why would we want to continue feeding our children foods that set them up to have the same struggles with food that we do? Why would we want to continue feeding our children foods that will put them at an increased risk of high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, maybe even cancer? If we recognize these foods are not healthy for us to be eating, why on earth would we feel comfortable feeding these foods to our children?

How many of use grew up in homes with an overweight parent (or two) and learned the eating/activity habits that lead us to becoming overweight adults? Its no secret kids learn by example and (especially the little ones) want to mimic the adults they look up to in life. If we are setting a good example, by eating healthy foods, why not take it one step further and feed the whole family the same healthy foods?

In our home, we all eat the same foods. That's not to say we don't have treats... but they are treats we ALL indulge in. One day a week, The Boy One & I have ice cream after his therapy session. On weekdays, we all eat a healthy breakfast - for The Boy One its a Cheerios type cereal with low fat yogurt. Then on weekends, he is allowed his choice of sugary cereals, in a reasonable portion. On our "payday" dinners, we all eat whatever looks appealing on the menu and I don't worry about what I'm eating because I know its just one meal. While things like cookies & chips don't typically come in the house, we all enjoy them as an occasional part of life... not the daily norm. The Boy One knows candy is something we have once in a awhile - because it tastes good - but that it is not "real food" to eat on a regular basis. The Boy One (and The Husband when he's here) happily eat the healthy recipes I prepare... they are tasty & honestly I don't think they even realize they are eating "healthy food." For me, this is part of the "doing it in a way I can sustain for the rest of my life" approach. It only makes sense to teach him to eat, now, in a way that he can eat for his whole life to maintain his health & wellness.

This is the approach I have taken with him since he was small & it works for us. A few years ago, he had a beloved uncle pass away after battling cancer & congestive heart failure. In the process of explaining the illness to him... we told The Boy One gently, but honestly, that part of what contributed to his uncle becoming ill was his unhealthy diet, drinking alcohol excessively, and smoking. That put the first seed in his head that he needed to take care of himself. Today, he watches his Grandma's health deteriorate and when he asks why she is sick... I continue to be honest with him. He knows that while people are sometimes predisposed to illnesses, that there are ways you can take care of yourself to help stay healthy. And yes, despite his "differences" he really does know and understand these concepts. Am I burdening him in some way by being so open and honest about these things with him? I hope not. I believe with my whole heart it is important to be honest with him & not beat around the bush when it comes to matters of illness & what can be done to minimize the risks.

For me, it is critically important to help our children learn to eat in a healthy manner, NOW when they are young, so that it becomes a life long habit... not something they struggle to learn as they reach adulthood. Because of that I am going to focus most of my healthy recipe tests on meals & snacks that are kid friendly. I'm guessing this will involve some recipe "makeovers" and some brand new creations. We will let The Boy One be the "kid taste tester" and I will share our findings.

For those of you that take this approach or a similar one, what are some of your kids' favorite "healthy" meals?

And for those of you who feed your kids a different "diet" from yourself, I'm genuinely curious as to why you do this.

Please know I'm not trying to attack anyone for the way they choose to feed their children. I am merely burdened with fear over what America - at large - is doing to our children (often without even realizing it). It makes me sad to see a generation of children growing up on Happy Meals & cardboard pizza... especially when there are so many ways to make kid-friendly healthy meals.

I keep coming back to this one thought...

If we love ourselves enough to fuel our bodies with nutrious foods on a regular basis... shouldn't we love our children enough to do that and more?

A Blank Screen

2010-10-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

For the last hour I have sat staring at a blank computer screen... debating what to write about. I have several posts in the works, but none that feel like they fit where I am this moment. Today I feel like a fraud. My actions have been the classic example of saying one thing and doing something else entirely.

Food today was anti-healthy at each and every turn - chips & salsa, McDonalds and pasta salad. There is no good reason for this day of awful eating. Truthfully, Wednesdays are always crazy with kids group & this day is much like all of my Wednesdays were in the past. Last year, I had done a pretty good job of making it a priority to take healthy meals with me on Wednesday nights... this fall I've yet to get back in the habit. That needs to change IMMEDIATELY!

Exercise did not happen. Yes, I could still pop in a video or get the Wii going and get in something that would technically count. But, I'm exhausted - emotionally and physically - and just don't have it in me right now.

One important thing did happen today though. I wrote Draz earlier, telling her that I wasn't planning to blog about it, but I've changed my mind... because quite honestly I'm proud of myself and feel like a major step toward standing up for myself in life was taken. Today, I took steps to end the friendship with the "friend" I wrote about a few days ago. After much thought, I realized that the emotional damage that would continue to be done to my heart if I attempted to patch things up just wasn't worth any perceived benefit. So... this morning I set about the necessary tasks... phone number changed, email sent stating exactly why I can't continue the friendship, deleted & blocked on facebook. All of that may seem extreme to you, but to me its what has to happen. If I didn't take such serious steps, she would keep pushing to "fix" things and eventually I would give in. It is hard to thing of this person no longer being a part of my life, but I know all in all... Its better this way...

As I was taking each of these steps a feeling of freedom & satisfaction swept through me... like a weight was lifting off my shoulders and stress was leaving my body. I felt empowered. Never before in my life have I stood up for myself in such a concrete, definitive way! While a little part of me was sad to be ending such a long friendship this way, I was mostly relieved to be resolving the situation... and to be resolving it on my terms! To do it without the opportunity to be browbeaten into changing my mind! It was empowering!!!

The Boy One is done with school for the week thanks to parent-teacher conferences. Tomorrow we will be visiting my gym together. He is old enough to be added to my membership. If he is comfortable there, I can start bringing him with me part of the time. That will help me get more workout time in, so I'm hopeful. Besides, he is wanting to exercise and has been upset that he isn't getting a full PE period at school this year.

Bedtime for me... early tonight. LOL

PS- This is my first post from my brand new laptop. HP really went above & beyond in replacing my broken one. Plus, they refunded the price of the extended warranty I purchased. I'm truly, oddly, impressed with them right now. :)

Scale Day & Blog Business

2010-10-13T01:45:00.000-07:00

Tuesday brought my first scale day since I started the "Out with a Bang!" Plan. I wasn't sure what to expect... yeah I actually got my tush moving again... but in all honesty my food was HORRIBLE over the past few days.

197 lbs... for a one pound loss. I'm good with that! This week will be even better!!

My things to work on for "Out with a Bang!" this week are my water intake (I've been getting more than I was, but still not as much as I should) and tracking my food. I've been writing my food in my little green book, but NOT getting it transferred here or tracking calories. So I need to step up the efforts there.

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I spent a copious amount of my Tuesday doing some blog business. I was browsing the blogs I followed & realized I had a whole list I had never gotten a chance to add - some of my lovely BOOBs & a lot of people who recently started following me (and sadly some who have followed for a long time). I feel bad its taken me so long to a chance to do this, hopefully its a forgivable offense, lol. I tried to get everyone, but if I missed someone please please let me know. My goal is to get my blog roll updated in the next couple of days too. :)

The last few weeks I have been feeling like my blog is in need of a "face lift." I want it to have an identity that is a little more me... so that's something I hope to get to work on SOON.

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Before I go crawl in bed to catch a few hours of sleep, I want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post. Each of you is proof that REAL friends exist everywhere. You don't have to physically meet someone to be a true friend to them. All of your kind comments meant so much to me... more than you will likely ever know. I am beyond grateful for the gift of friendship I have found here in blogland!

Hope Wednesday is a wonderful day for each and every one of you!

Julie

What Kind of Friend Are You?

2010-10-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Dawn over at Fixing Myself Thinner, wrote a single sentence that sums up the way I view life & my relationships with people - in summary - that she gives to others (in blogland) what she would like to receive in return. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated. That's me. That's what I do.

She went on to say that she had to "lose some of the things that would drive her to eat." One of those things being a people pleaser. While I don't think being a "people pleaser" necessarily drives me to eat, as I have recently mentioned, I know it has hindered my healthful efforts.

I hope she doesn't mind me paraphrasing her here... but her post was exactly what I needed to read after the events of Saturday. I needed to see that I'm not alone in the way I think and treat people... or in what I hope to receive in return. I needed to see - through someone else's success - that its okay to make changes in my relationships with people for my own benefit. I needed her words!

As you probably know, I've been observing and reevaluating a lot of my relationships since returning home from Chicago. I'm reaching the limits of tolerating one-sided friendships. Saturday was a boiling point with one such friendship. After months of being there for this friend - with my time, resources & wallet - she more or less indicated that she is not comfortable coming to my house (because she doesn't have her things here & I have different rules for kids in my house)... that if I want to hang out I will have to do 100% of the traveling. Lame reasons if you ask me & I couldn't take it any more. I pretty much told her that if that's how its going to be then she can expect not to be seeing me or having my help from now on. While I may be willing to do the majority of the visiting - because of logistics - I am not up for it being my sole responsibility.

This led to her attacking me for my decision to stay here with The Husband. She doesn't know of the posts I've written here on the matter & how torn I am about what the "right" thing is. She knows that I am here still - in part - because staying allows me to be available to The Boy One in a way I wouldn't be able to if I had to work to support us. She knows what a difference it made in his functioning when I did the temporary job in the Spring & that it took weeks for him to "recover" from it. She knows that I have several serious health concerns going on right now & having medical/dental coverage is critical for me with those things. Still... knowing all of this she told me "your reasons for staying are bullshit reasons & you deserve what you get!"

Pretty much I felt like she was saying my LIFE is not a good reason to stay. Realizing that my very life could be of such little consequence to someone I have considered a dear friend for years was soul crushing. To the point where I can understand a person who wants a physical pain to match their emotional pain.

Thinking about her & our friendship since this conversation, I realized something big. One of those things you blind yourself to because if you see it you have to deal with it. She is a classic example of words vs. actions. The type of person who says all the right things, but rarely backs up what she says without her actions. I don't know why it took me so long to open my eyes and see it. At this point, I don't know what will become of our "friendship," but for now I know that have to severely distance myself from this person. To do anything else would be pouring salt in the gaping wound her thoughtlessness created.

Since I'm on the friend topic, I want to share one more thing. When I was preparing for the trip to Chicago, my Mom made the comment about how weird it was to take such a trip to meet people that weren't "real" friends. I keep thinking about that statement in light of what happened with my "friend" over the weekend. To me a real friend is someone who supports, encourages, loves and wants the best for you. In a very REAL way, all of you here in blogland are my "real" friends. We support, encourage & want the best for each other... in my mind it doesn't get much more REAL than that. It doesn't matter that I haven't met many of you... I still think of you as friends in every sense of the word.

So, to my REAL FRIENDS in blogland... thank you for your love, support & encouragement. I hope that I can be the friend to you that you have been to me.

Solitude Has Its Place...

2010-10-11T01:35:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's emotional trauma, I woke up knowing I needed some time for myself. I was planning on a visit to the gym, but when I saw the gorgeous blue skies I knew there was no way I could be stuck inside for a workout. Considering it is quickly headed toward mid-October, days like this are going to be few & far between so being the logical person that I am it made sense to head to one of my favorite places on the island.

This place has miles of trails - some where you feel like you're "lost" deep within the forest, some that parallel the water line & some that do both... like the ones I chose today. It starts out a little like this...

A nice, level tree lined path with all sorts of vegetation on either side. There were hundreds of mushrooms through this area... no clue if they were the edible kind or not.

Then you round the bend to find yourself right on the edge of this high bluff & have this gorgeous view. One could fall over the edge from gaping at the view if they weren't careful.

After walking that trail, which loops around, I decided to go to the lower section... which leads you to this...

Now, I've stood at this point before... looked up the incredibly steep side of the bluff and thought there was no way that was ever going to happen. It's steep, all dirt, and there is nothing to grab if you lose your footing. No thank you... too dangerous for my blood. I kind of like my limbs all intact... thank you very much.

Well... today was different. I hesitated only a moment before deciding to go for it! I don't know what came over me - maybe it was the "screw it all" mood I'm in after yesterday - whatever it was I charged straight ahead.

What you can't see in the picture & don't realize until you're part way up is that the upward climb continues for a good 20-30 feet beyond what you can see in the picture. Once I started, I knew there was no stopping and no turning back. Up is the only way to go... unless you want to slide down on your butt (that MIGHT work). Despite going at a snail's pace in a couple of spots, I NEVER once stopped moving. No breaks all the way to the top!

Here I am - at the top - feeling accomplished in a way I haven't for quite some time.

I took a couple minute breather before continuing on - during which I posted on facebook that I was dead and asked people to attend my funeral. I typed it in there jokingly... but you know the more I've thought about it... there is actually some truth to it. The "me" that has so many times looked at that exact bluff (and other huge physical obstacles) and immediately written them off as too difficult or made excuses for not being able to do them is dead and gone. In this area of my life, I'm not afraid to take on new challenges anymore. I may not do things as fast or with the skill of another person... but I can do them and feel good for my efforts. That said... let's have a PARTY instead of a funeral. :)

After my breather, I took the trail one mile in the other direction. This part of the trail starts out right along the edge of the bluff (and it was windy, unlike the other side) and then winds up and down through foresty areas. There were parts where it was so steep you had to run down the trail to keep from falling, muddy parts, rocky parts, parts where I was sure a bear might jump out at me. Then it opened to the gorgeous beach area... where I veered off the trail and sat on a log for a good 20 minutes... letting the sea spray hit me in the face... watching the waves roll in.

All in all, I ended my walk (okay more of a hike) at 3 miles. I could have kept going but the sun was sinking in the sky and by the end I really was getting nervous about animals in the woods.

For me, sometimes solitude & time alone with my thoughts is a good thing; other times its a bad thing. Today it was a good thing. It reaffirmed that this is the life I want. A life where I can get out and tackle whatever physical endeavor I choose - without worrying about my size, my health, or my emotions hindering me. And, anyone who truly loves me will support me and encourage me to keep on keeping on with it!

Short n Sweet

2010-10-10T02:20:00.000-07:00

That's what the bartender at our local Applebee's is and that's what this post is gonna be. It was a very long long, very emotional day. Lots of wounds opened up with the feeling of salt being poured in them... nothing I feel up to writing about now.

On the bright side, my BFF drug me out to dinner at Applebee's and our favorite bartender was there. This girl can make drinks like nobody's business. If we'd had her in Chicago with us... oh I don't even wanna think about that. Small NSV, sort of, I managed to nurse a single margarita... even with her there. Usually its a two drink minimum if she's there... just cuz she isn't there so often anymore & we don't go as often as we used to. So yeah... one drink with her there to mix em is an accomplishment... though I suspect my mama would argue the point. :)

Chicago Keeps Giving!

2010-10-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

Chicago keeps giving AND feeding my addiction!

Yesterday's trip to the mailbox packed one very welcome little surprise. Sifting through the mail I caught sight of this envelope.

At first glance I thought it was an invitation I'm expecting... then I noticed it was sent from Chicago. Figuring it was somehow related to BOOBs, I set it at the bottom of the pile... save the best for last and all.

So, after sorting all of the CRAPOLA, I settled in with my little envelope. Turning it over, I saw it was from the Coach store... the one that I visited with Maria... the one where I indulged in some fabulous new sunglasses and a ring set. Opening it I found this...

One handwritten note, in which the associate actually remembered details about our visit (not just the merchandise logged into their computer system) AND one $50 gift card to use at a Coach retail store here!!!! OMG, this is seriously the best piece of mail I have received in a VERY long time!!! Now I have an excuse to visit the Coach store and shop a little more!

Maria allowed me to go smell the air in the Coach store... I fed my addiction... I fed the addiction of a certain Coach lover that we all know & love... and now Coach is feeding my addiction. Its a big circle of Coach love I tell ya! :)

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Today was pretty good for food and activity.

Ten miles on the wuss bike at the gym. Then, I came home and mowed the backyard... which took forever. Mowing the yard is to me what taking a bath is to some kids... I hate the idea, but once I get started I actually enjoy it. Needless to say, it had been way too long since I last tackled it and the grass was TALL. Even using the self-propelled feature (I usually don't use it), there were sections of grass that were very hard to push through. Then there's the monster tree out there that has decided to give birth to triplets if not more. It was a workout in itself!

Between the gym and the backyard workout I had this yummy salad for lunch.

Spinach, spicy sprouts, peas, mushrooms, tomatoes (from my backyard), shrimp & feta with Caesar spritz for dressing. YUMMY!!!!

I also spent time cutting chicken breasts into three and four ounce portions... so no excuses for not eating lean protein for quite some time... 12 pounds worth should last awhile... especially when The Boy One is still refusing to eat chicken because it comes from chicken. :)

Two NSVs today... one health related and one life related. Health related: I forgot my post-workout snack when I went to the gym today & I managed to resist the call (errr smell) of Starbucks when I was done. Life related: I made today about me, The Boy One and my home... it felt strange, but good in a way too! The yard is mostly done, we had good food together and enjoyed movie time together before he went to bed. He loves the Home Alone movies & I love to watch him be amused by them. It was a good evening.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Out with a Bang!

2010-10-07T23:53:00.000-07:00

After weeks of floundering & half-hearted discussion of getting my butt in gear, I finally have a plan in place... one that started today... and my plan is to send 2010 "Out with a Bang!" Something about there being less than eight weeks left of deployment and well under 90 days left in the calendar year signals to me that I must take action now.

Do I feel ready to take on a challenging regimen? Not in the slightest! Is my heart fully in it? It wants to be, but if I'm being honest... no its not! Does that set me up for failure before I even fully begin? I hope not. My shrink told me a year ago when I was so depressed I couldn't do anything more productive than play Facebook games that sometimes you just have to start doing to feel better. So that's what I'm gonna do... the plan is made and I'm just gonna do it... whether I feel like it or not. Because it is for me and it will be good for me... and because I deserve to put myself first. That putting myself first thing is still a foreign concept in my mind. I feel guilty for doing it, guilty for shutting myself down... but I think I would end up feeling more guilty if i didn't do it and do it NOW!

Here's the "Out with a Bang!" plan:

Drink buckets of water daily (maybe not buckets, but at least 64oz.)

Blog daily

Track food daily

Try three new healthy recipes each week

Exercise daily - to include completing "Around the World" gym requirements

You will notice in there that there is nothing about eating "healthy" or limiting calories. While I will be monitoring both, I will not be obsessing over it or chastising myself if I end up in restaurants frequently. Over the last several months, I am certain it has been my lack of exercise that has hurt me... so that will be my primary focus.

Doing "Around the World" gym requirements will force me back into a solid fitness routine. Granted I will have an extra forty days beyond what the gym allots during the challenge... but considering what an infrequent gym visitor I have become & the two weeks I will likely be gone around the holidays, I'm pretty sure it will be challenging enough as is. :)

For the sake of being able to measure results, I did a Thursday morning scale visit and measurements:

198 pounds (ugh... but still down a tiny bit from the start of deployment)

Waist - 38 1/2"

Hips - 47"

Chest - 42"

Thigh - 26 1/4"

Calf - 19"

Arm - 16 1/2"

Scale day is going to remain Tuesday. I plan to check measurements for progress at about the middle of November and then again at the end of the year.

The only thing I haven't figured out fully is rewards... and its no secret I thrive on rewards. They will be figured out & posted by the end of the weekend... and chances are they will include jewelry and/or handbags, lol.

So that's it... my plan to send 2010 "Out with a Bang!"

What are you going to do to finish 2010 strong???

87 Days & Accountability

2010-10-06T02:07:00.000-07:00

Its official! Its "me first" time... and I'm going to stick to it no matter how foreign it feels.

I have to.

For ME.

For The Boy One.

For my health.

For my sense of well-being.

For my sanity.

For my personal happiness.

This decision - coupled with Draz's counting 87 days until the end of the year - means that this girl has some serious planning to do... and quickly!

I was thinking last night that there are about eight weeks of deployment left and I should make some sort of major effort over those eight weeks. But, Mama Pimp is Mama Pimp for a reason and she makes some very wise points about finishing the year strong and getting through the holidays... so yeah I'm liking her 87 days better than the eight week plan. :)

I don't know exactly what that plan is going to look like yet... but I'm working on it (quickly) and I have ideas galore. However, after not being able to manage my time and do my "Deployment Challenge" as I had planned I want to make sure I don't overwhelm myself with something that's going to be unrealistic... don't like failing myself that way...

Another realization that struck me last night... with The Husband gone & being essentially alone so much of the time... I have NO true accountability for what I eat or how active I am. No one knows if I sit here and eat a diet of frozen dinners and pastries. No one knows if I go to the gym or walk around the block. Unless I blog about it... NO ONE KNOWS!

I must have accountability. So... I'm going to make some changes to my blog... include more tickers and such to have more accountability for what I'm doing here in blog-land. I'm also going to make a more consistent effort to blog daily... regardless of how busy I am (which should be a lot less since I will be sticking to "me first). And, last but not least... I'm going to renew my effort to report my food intake on the "My Eats" tab. Perhaps I will even get all crazy and add an "Activity" tab up there too, lol.

Smile of the week so far (not sure if I shared this already or not): The Boy One informed me a couple days ago that he can't eat chicken anymore. I asked him why and his response: "Chicken comes from chickens and that's mean Mom!" He was giving me this look of how could you be so cruel as to eat those poor little birdies, lol. Then when I was buying chicken at the grocery store tonight, he was telling me that he doesn't want to eat chicken. He is so goofy sometimes... :)

Sleepy time for me... Hope everyone has a great Wednesday!

Gaining Perspective

2010-10-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

Before I get to the heart of the matter, let me say a quick word about Chicago & the BOOBs... it was AMAZING!!! I'm not gonna write a book about it at this point (seems kind of redundant after reading what everyone else wrote). But I did have a wonderful time meeting everyone and seeing a new city. Draz summed it up well with "life-changing," I know I will never be the same.
Fellow BOOBs that I have added on Facebook, please remember no one there knows about this blog (except all of you lol). And BOOBs I haven't added, feel free to add me... I've been trying to find everyone. :)

Do you ever feel like you need someone to smack you up side the head and point out all of the things that should be obvious, but aren't? Okay more like things that are obvious, but you don't want to see them.

That has been me for a few weeks now... needing someone to give me a reality check. And guess what... I gave myself one! Its no secret to anyone that I've been majorly down in the dumps. Putting on a (semi)happy face for Chicago was a bigger challenge than you can imagine. Coming home, I knew it was time to really figure out what is going on with me... what is making me so sad all the time... because how can I ever expect anything to change if I don't know the cause?

For the last week, I have chosen to go with the flow and quietly observe the people in my life... I mean who they REALLY are... what their ACTIONS say vs. the WORDS that come from their mouths. The vast difference in those two things and how they affect my moods has been really eye-opening.

This is the thing about me... I am the type of person that fully commits to relationships (of all types)... if I am in your life its 100%, NOT just when its convenient for me. When I make plans with you or agree to do something for you, nothing short of being near death with prevent me from doing it. Big or small - it doesn't matter - I'm gonna keep my word regardless of how inconvenient it may be to me personally. And I'm going to do it with a cheerful heart because that's how I am. I am also the type of person that pays attention to the wants and needs of others... if I'm out somewhere and see something I know someone needs/wants I will happily get it for them if I can... just because I care. Not always - but often - you will find my shopping cart filled with things for a variety of different people in my life. Again... its just how I am.

Sadly, I think I'm growing selfish. I feel like I want my turn - for someone to value me and my presence in their life the way I value them in mine. For someone to go that extra mile for me, even when its not convenient. Not all the time... just once in a while... so I know I matter to someone beyond what I have to offer them. And the thing is, I've realized most of the people in my life talk a really good game, but have very poor follow through (assuming the intent was ever truly there to begin with). It makes me sad to think how one sided things have become with certain people. I feel like I need equality... which it seems means to stop "doing" so much for other people... which feels selfish and totally NOT me. Or, alternatively, separating myself from people that primarily TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. I don't know what the solution is... but at least I have identified this as a major source of my sadness and my feelings of being unworthy lately. That's a start...

Honestly, I think that is probably one of the biggest issue for me right now... so much seems to stem from it. Here I am so busy doing for other people that I have completely slacked off on my house, home projects, hobbies, and most sadly... taking care of myself and my health. Everything related to me and my personal well-being seems to have taken a backseat to caring for and doing for others. Even if its selfish and changes who I am in some way that has to STOP! I can't be so wrapped up in other people that I lose myself and what matters to me... especially when those other people are the way they are.

Maybe the solution is this... to plan my life & my time to take care of me (and The Boy One of course) and only allow other people to fill the space I have left over. I suppose there is a happy medium somewhere, but right now I feel so burned out on "being there" and getting little to nothing in return I don't even want to think about a compromise. That's so not me, it sounds foreign to even think it aloud, much less type it. Is that terribly selfish of me? Does that make me a bad person?

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Happy news... I drug my tush to the gym this afternoon and lived to tell about it. Seriously sad how long it had been since my last gym visit! I hopped right on the StairMaster and did 50 floors... I felt like I could have kept going, but didn't want to overdo it on my first day back. Wrapped things up with 30 minutes on a wuss bike. My body is definitely telling me that I've spent way too long out of the gym... though not as bad as I thought it might be.

More happy news from the gym... they finally have the plaque up for the Around the World Challenge! It lists the names of the people that completed the entire challenge this year... five names I believe... including mine, followed by that of my BFF! :)

And now I've just remembered the trash cans are still at the curb... I'd better drag them in before the housing Nazis attack, lol.

The BOOBS Questionnaire

2010-09-22T00:46:00.000-07:00

Alright girls, its been too much planning, seriousness and anxiety (lol) in B.O.O.B.S. land lately, we think its high time we unhook the brassiers and let the 'girls' hang loose. It's time to "Rock-Out-With-Our Boobs-Out!"

I asked Gilly to come up with a few fun interview questions and she delivered. If you are up for a good time (and I know most of us are!) copy and post this to your blog!

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Hi all of the boobie girls! Someone much more organized than I am thought it would be fun to know more about you, and she enlisted me to think of some crazy questions...so...this is sort of a Gillyified version of Drazil's BYOC. Knock yourselves out.

1) You're trapped on a desert island and can bring only 3 of your favorite foods along. What do you bring?

Chocolate, Cheese & Blueberries

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

My paternal grandparents (both passed away before my parents married) & because I have a bit of an obsession... Patrick Swayze. Ohhhh, I have to be a rule breaker and add Jon Bon Jovi to the list - I LOVE him!!!

3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

Tiffy Izett

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don't want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

Three months short of 18.

Least favorite since losing weight... lower tummy area & thighs

Most favorite since losing weight... back & hips

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

The jury is still out on ghosts for me. But I would NOT spend the night alone in a possibly haunted house. I don't even like to stay alone in my own house, lol.

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?

I'm a natural redhead... though the summer sun bleaches to a light strawberry blonde. I dye it, but always some shade of red.

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively... bikinis or granny panties?

Boxer briefs for him. Hipsters or thongs for me.

8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)

I suppose if trilogies don't count, then a miniseries would totally smash the rule huh. Guess I would have to go with Dirty Dancing (corny perhaps), but like I said I have a slight obsession.

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

Hmmm... I don't think I can make myself type the first thing that came to mind. It might make me blush, lol. Seriously, I plead the fifth!!! :-)

10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :)

After today's visit to the scale.... 47.

Fun questions... two funny stories to share tomorrow... I'm off to bed.

A Dress for BOOBS

2010-09-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

With just a couple days left to figure out what I'm taking to Chicago I drug myself out into the real world for a little shopping... the dress search yielded about four options and I ended up settling on this:

Sorry I don't have a pic of me in it, I tried unsuccessfully in the fitting room. The cut is flattering and it felt fairly comfy on... but OMG, it is soooooo short. Okay, probably not soooooo short, but compared to what I typically wear its SHORT, lol.

Without another shopping trip, this is the only alternative I have in my closet (at least that seems potentially nice enough):

I don't necessarily find this dress as figure friendly. But, it is longer and something I've comfortably worn several times.

What do you think? Which one is the winner?

Decisions. Decisions.

Three Things

2010-09-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

After I wrote my post last night, I actually went to bed and slept until the alarm went off! The first decent sleep I've had in a good two weeks at least; guess getting it out there really does help. One of the things I like about blogging at night is that I almost always wake up to comments... which make me happy and are a good way to start my day. Well this morning there were no comments and I was a little bummed, but they trickled in as I was getting The Boy One ready for school (and throughout the day) and I'm so thankful for each one of them. The encouragement and support means so much to me... so if you took the time to comment THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Several of you mentioned that antidepressants might help. That is something I have thought myself, in the past when I went through little phases like this, and even during this one. I don't know why that seems like admitting defeat or weakness to me and I always shy away from the idea. Or maybe its that The Husband's grandmother was addicted to antidepressants and other prescription drugs and I'm afraid it would freak him out if I were on one. But, if I don't pull myself out of this state by the end of the month, I will go to the doctor... I simply can't keep going on like this.

Chris had what I feel are excellent suggestions in her comment - to start with taking care of myself, then pick three things that required minimal time and just do them... start the ball rolling so to speak. I know I can't keep it exactly that simple with all I have to do between now and Chicago, but this is my plan for Tuesday-Thursday...

Start the by doing something for me... a walk, taking time to make a healthy breakfast, something that equates to taking good care of my body.
Make my list of three things that need to be done... thinking one related to The Husband, one related to The Boy One and one one related to the house. Low stress things for now.
Get those three things done.
After that, spend the remainder of the day doing things I truly enjoy - or I should say enjoy when I'm not a big ball of tears on the couch - like beading, scrapbooking, reading for pleasure, and dare I say it maybe even baking.

That's it... simple things that will hopefully make me start to feel a little better. I know I can't keep it exactly that simple with the trip to get ready for, but if I can do these few things to feel like I'm accomplishing something I think it will help.

My three things for today: unload/load the dishwasher, move all of the "extra" beverages & cereal to their shelves on the garage, and while not a schedule per say I did limit The Boy One's computer/video game time to one hour. Beyond that, the entire day I sat in front of the tv/computer... which isn't all bad, I actually took time to read a bunch of blogs which I enjoyed alot. Oh and I even let a friend come over for a little bit... one that would understand why she was finding me in last nights pjs at 7pm.

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On another note, I think the nerves of Chicago have finally set in. I swear I wasn't nervous about it at all until I started reading other people's "fears" of what to wear and Draz's "Podunk" post, lol. I feel like I need to make an "emergency" trip to Seattle and find city clothes between now and Friday morning or pack nothing and take myself on a little shopping trip when I get there. In reality, I will pack from the clothes I already have... of which there is no shortage... and maybe try to see if I can find one new outfit to bring.

I am so excited for the trip - to meet everyone, to see a new city, to get away from the stress of home for a couple days - and jumping through last minute hoops to get there. My usual sitter had to cancel because her dad won't let her do overnight babysitting during the school year now. My ride to the airport bailed just yesterday.. apparently too busy to keep their word (whatever!). The first problem actually fixes the second problem. My Mom is coming to stay with The Boy One (which is yes more stress for me, topic for another post). But with her being here, my car won't be needed for the sitter so I can drive to the airport and leave it there. Its all coming together... just not quite the way I planned.

Found this quote online today... something to think about...

"We cannot love or be loved correctly until we love ourself correctly. Root for yourself. Love yourself. If you want to love and be loved the starting point of love begins with you."

What Came First...

2010-09-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

The chicken or the egg???

That's pretty much how I'm feeling about the current state of affairs known as my life. Am I not taking care of myself because everything else is a mess or is everything else a mess because I'm not taking care of myself???

Something is wrong with ME. Why am I so sure of this?

The ME who is usually super organized with every detail of every event planned to the finest detail has more or less been floating at loose ends for the last several weeks. My meals haven't been planned in so long its embarrassing. Remember ME who usually measures all of her food out ahead of time and labels the packages with nutrition info? She has vanished, replaced by someone who is back to eating straight out of the package. My great kill myself at the gym plan has COMPLETELY gone down the tubes. Even outdoor physical activity has been nonexistent the last couple weeks.

Then there is the other part of my life - the Mom, wife, daughter, housekeeper part - and its not faring much better. Rather than keeping The Boy One on a schedule that helps him with his behavior etc, he has been getting away with way too much video game, tv and computer time. This is happening because I'm not getting his schedule figured out ahead of time & I don't have the mental energy to follow through with it even if I did get it done. While I try to pick up the phone every time The Husband calls, I miss it a lot (partly because he calls in the middle of the night) and I find myself "playing" on the computer for hours and "forgetting" to email him. Worse yet, here we are a little over halfway through deployment and I haven't sent him a single package or letter. (Insert side note: I got the first email from him today that said it was from ADC - guess that means he's really a Chief now lol). My Mom has to constantly remind me of stuff she needs me to do. Its so bad that I very nearly forgot the date of her court appointment, I never got in my phone and had totally spaced it. Well not totally true, I knew the date but didn't realize it was already pretty much here until the day before. Then there is the house... while its not nearly as bad as I've let it be in the past it is no where near the level of clean it was when deployment started. More than that though is all of the "projects" around the house I was planning to get to during deployment and I haven't even started the first one.

This past week especially there have been days when I literally would lie on the couch and couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Even the thought of going to my favorite little clothing store in town couldn't get my butt off the couch. I'm sad... my heart is heavy... my limbs feel heavy... my head feels on the verge of a migraine all the time... my chest wall pain is surfacing almost daily. I am not ME and I want ME back!

I think I know the cause... someone (well a couple of someones) hurt me very deeply... to the core of my soul... over a few week period immediately preceding the loss of ME. Even typing that makes me cry all over again. These were people that I considered friends and went way out of my way to help when they needed it. But, no matter how much I did or how I tried it was never enough or I was doing it for the wrong reasons or it was a crime when I wanted it to be my turn to get a little consideration... and worse than that they did everything in their power to alienate me from mutual friends. Its hard and it hurts me more than words can possibly express... it makes me want to close myself off from people so I don't have to feel pain anymore... but that is not ME and I want to be ME again.

I think I've written before about how hard it is for me to let go of hurt once it has happened and how it will plague me for a very long time. I need to learn to let go... of this hurt and a world of other hurts... so that I can be ME again. The million dollar question is HOW? How do I get out of this huge funk? Where do I start? Do I start with taking care of myself? Do I take care of everything and everyone else first (which is my usual pattern of behavior)? How do I get back to being ME????

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On a happier note: The Boy One continues with his healthy ways. The were having a case lot sale at the Commissary and he chose a case of plain Cheerios over Cocoa Puffs! Bargain happy Mom was pleased... they ended up being $1.15 a box and we won't need cereal again til Christmas. :-)

I'm In Love!!!

2010-09-14T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today was my Mom's trip to Bankruptcy Court, so I spent my morning driving her there... listening to her chatter... all the while mentally writing my next blog post. Then this happened...

We went to lunch... Mexican more precisely... and I fell head over heals in love... with this salad!

The Tapatia Salad

Menu Description: Carne asada, romaine lettuce, spinach, tomatoes, onion, corn, avocado, asparagus, black olives, whole beans, tortilla strips, ranchero cheese and their own vinegar dressing

Just to let you all know, when I go to Mexican I usually eat one of two entrees and don't even look at the menu, so the fact that I ended up ordering this salad is somewhat of an anomaly. This was a Mexican restaurant I've been to numerous times, but they had changed the menu since my last visit, so I actually took a look at the menu. The first thing that struck me is that they actually had new healthier choices - from Veggie fajitas to Spinach Enchiladas - all vegetarian. Then my eyes went down the page to salads - I've never seen a menu with so many salads - a dozen in all. When I visited LA a couple of years ago I had a steak salad at this little char-broil joint that I adored, so when I saw this salad I was hoping for a similar taste and decided to give it a shot.

What I got instead was quite seriously the BEST salad I have ever eaten in my life! Their menu description doesn't even begin to do it justice. The carne asada was very thinly sliced, super tender, very moist, and not even a hint of fat to be found. The asparagus was grilled to perfection... six whole pieces. The onions and tomatoes were diced small... almost like pico de gallo... with the corn mixed in. The vinegar dressing was just the right amount of tangy and didn't seem to have much oil in it. I swear this was the PERFECT salad!

I almost feel guilty for how much I loved this salad, lol. I mean how many times have you heard or been told that you shouldn't get your happiness from food? From the moment they set this salad in front of me, my entire mood changed. The presentation was so beautiful and such a surprise considering this is just your average Americanized Mexican restaurant we were sitting in. Then I took my first bite of it and literally fell head over heals in love! The way the flavors blended together was AMAZING!!! It was sooooo good, I was immediately torn between savoring each bite and shoveling in as much of the yummy flavor as I could as fast as I could. After the first couple of shoveled in bites, I settled down and opted to savor each and every bite that entered into my mouth. By the time I was done - I was well satisfied - and wanting to lick the plate. I swear if the guy had not come along to pick it up when he did, he may have found me finger licking it.

Believe it or not, there really is a point to me telling you all about this wonderful salad. The point is this, its been a really long time since I truly enjoyed eating a meal as much as this. Its always been one of my goals to only use (waste) calories on foods that were truly satisfying to the taste buds and enjoying this salad the way I did made me realize that I have really slacked off on that the last few months. I've been eating whatever happened to be available or what would pass for moderately healthy without giving enough thought to what the food really tasted like or if I was enjoying it. This salad serves as a wake up call to how far off track I have let myself get while attempting to please those around me. I have no idea what the calories/fat for the salad were (they didn't have nutritional info), but to me it doesn't matter as much as the wake up call it provided.

Quick note about scale day: I gained a pound in the last two weeks. Not what I would have liked to see, but what I expected for the effort (or lack of effort) I've given things the last few weeks.

Oh, I have news about my Mom and the BOOBS too. She no longer thinks I am going to be assaulted, strangled or killed during the course of the weekend. It only took explaining to her weekly since May what I was doing & why I was doing it. Some peoples mothers... lol.

Be back soon with my original - still in my brain - post...

Comfort Food Fest

2010-09-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

On this cloudy, gray Sunday my BFF decided enough is enough and "forced" me to participate in Comfort Food Fest. So she didn't force me... more I allowed myself to indulge in a variety of foods that I usually limit to once in a while... all in the same night. We are talking HUGE quantities of pasta salad (have I ever mentioned that she makes the best pasta salad on the planet?), some tortilla chips & queso and a sizable bowl of double fudge brownie ice cream. Yes, I know bad, bad & more bad food choices... especially in the quantities and having them all in one huge meal.

But ya know what???

It was so nice to have someone care enough and want to spend a little of their time taking care of me that I would have eaten anything that was put in front of me.

Do I feel guilty for participating in Comfort Food Fest?

I feel guilty for a multitude of things... but this is not one of them.

One thing I do feel guilty about is my lack of blogging the last few months. Yes, summer was busy & time to write was a premium. Yes, there were days when I was plain & simply just too dang tired to do it. Yes, there were days (a few) when I literally had nothing on my mind to share. But, in all honesty, its more than that. The simple truth is that a lot of days I have chosen not to write because I was so miserable that I could hardly stand to be around myself, the thought of putting together a happy post was more than I could do, and the last thing I want is to be one of those people that writes negative post upon negative post. So I have sat in silence...

This is far from my first deployment... but its different in so many ways than any I have experienced before. Considering the state of my marriage for most of the last fifteen years, deployments have become something like a breath of fresh air for me - a time when I can breathe and be my true self for a few months. I still feel that sense of being able to breathe this time... its the being my true self part that I'm not feeling. I don't even know who or what that is anymore.

In the midst of being so sad and uncertain, I'm so thankful for a BFF that actually sees the need and takes the time to care even though she is incredibly busy. I hope everyone has someone they can turn to in time of need... because I'm once again reminded of how important that is... the difference it can make.

Cherry On Top Award

2010-09-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

Today I was nominated for an award by Sarah at Simple, Sassy Sarah! Thanks Sarah!!!

The Rules for this award:

1. Answer the question: If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

Wow, just one thing? lol. I would go back to when The Husband was out of the house & I had the protection order against him... and I would choose to verify the things he told me rather than naively taking his word for it & letting him come back.

2. Pick 6 people and give them this award. You then have to inform the person that they have been selected for the award.

Drazil (of course, lol)

Melissa

Carmen

Chris

Julia

Kristen

3. You have to thank the person (people) who gave you the award. Done! :)

Jeans n Stuff

2010-09-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

First things first... NO, I have not hit a size 8 in jeans. It seems I should have worded more carefully in my last post. A few posts ago, I wrote about the deal I have with a buddy of mine that we can each get new jeans when we lose 15 pounds... so in my last post I was at 8 pounds to go for new jeans... which if my estimations are correct will be a size 10 or 12... probably a 12.

This week I chose to skip scale day... okay maybe I didn't exactly choose to... its more like I was too stressed out and rushed to take the time on my way out the door. We finally had the appointment at the Autism Center for The Boy One. The doctor there suggested some strategies for dealing with the aggression to try before we jump to medication. He also said that he suspects part of the aggression may be connected to puberty issues. So... we will try the strategies and see how that goes.

Oh, The Boy One had his final session of physical therapy today. They gave him a nice little certificate and a big choclate chip cookie. I know it may not seem like much to talk about... but for us its like a successful sports season or passing a tough class. He's worked so hard with her to get to where he is today and I'm a proud mama.

In other news... I got the results from my girlie exam... and now I'm on what my friend calls the "frequent prodding program." Abnormal cells means extra screening... yay me! Trying not to stress myself out about it because I know these things happen to a lot of women without it ever turning into anything serious. But there is the little girl in me that has been scared to death of the big C for longer than I can remember.

This week is all about getting back into the swing of a fall routine. This weekend is about planning my time, my meals, my workouts. Monday I will be back on track... no excuses... no getting sidetracked... no wasting time on people who bring me down.

One last thing... because its fall and I love to eat soup in the fall... Do you have a favorite homemade soup recipe to share? :)

Because I Promised...

2010-09-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

Because I promised that my next post would be a happy post... it has taken me a few days to gather myself. As I was logging on to blogger to post Wednesday morning, I also logged into Facebook. On Facebook, I found out that a man I have spent my whole life considering a grandpa had passed away the night before. This is a man that I associate more childhood memories with than I do with my biological grandfather or even my dad. As I have spent time reflecting, he is also one of the major people that was a part of the memories I do have with my dad. This is the man that I attribute my love of hiking and the spontaneous road trip to. He was the kind of guy that would wake up on a Saturday morning and decide the Church kids should go on an adventure & within an hour or two we'd all be out in the middle of no where somewhere. When my Dad was sick, he and his son (who both worked at the same company as my Dad) took turns making sure I still felt connected to that part of my life. I have been sad and cried tears... but I have also been thankful in the last few days. He was suffering so badly from Parkinson's for so many years.. and I know the suffering is over. I also know he is in a better place, with his Savior (as his grandson posted on facebook). Its totally one of those moments where the tears are for me and those that will feel the loss. He will be so missed, by so many... but I know his legacy will live on through all of the lives he touched.

Good news from scale day... that mean little box on the floor read 194 lbs!!!! That's a total of 7 lbs lost since I got home from my trip to Cali!!! Considering I've been slacking off on monitoring my food and not anywhere near my usual activity level, I'm extremely pleased. And this means... jeans in 8... so I'm almost half way there!!! I am so dying for new jeans its not even funny.. but I have resisted... had a great time finding tops at Value Village the other day though.

My Mom has The Boy One for a few days & I am mostly just enjoying time to be with my own thoughts and figure out what is good for ME! Its soooooo nice. Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend! :)

Draz Has LONG Arms...

2010-08-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

I swear its true... she has arms that can reach all the way to Washington and make me feel better. Okay not really, but her words do wonders. Earlier today, my Facebook status read "is hurting to the core of her soul right now and probably will be for a good while." Now keep in mind here that Draz is one of my only FB friends that I haven't personally met... and yet she is the first one to pop up and ask what's going on. When I tell her that its been a really rough day with The Boy One and need a hug, she immediately tells me to close my eyes and feel her arms. Reading that made me cry harder than I already was... but then I felt a little better. No, I couldn't literally feel her arms... but her words and the few seconds it took her to type them helped so much.

The truth is... rough day with The Boy One is an understatement. Though my physical injuries are not as severe as the last time, I think in some ways it was actually worse. What instigated it was his extreme fear and anxiety over meeting a new therapist. And though he didn't strike me as hard as before (I was better positioned and prepared), it did go on longer and he was more aggressive in nature... literally jumping up off the couch to come after me. Eventually he slammed into his room and I could hear stuff flying. I was certain I would walk into the room to find damage to the walls and/or door... but luckily everything seems to be okay. His room, however, is a worse disaster than it was before. Clearly we never made it to meet the new therapist. I told him if we didn't go he was going to responsible for paying the missed appointment fee with his own money... which he happily did. Apparently $10 was worth it to stay home from meeting the new therapist. Beyond that, he isn't in trouble per say... I don't know how to discipline for it when it was clearly caused by his fear of meeting someone new & not tied to anything I can take away from him. We did have a long talk about what can happen if this type of behavior continues and he seemed genuinely scared by the prospects. Still, I don't know if any of it is enough to keep him from lashing out the same way again.

If there is a bright side to this trying day, it might be this... I've had no appetite, no interest in food. So scale day may be extra kind to me tomorrow. I took a peek earlier today and it was already looking favorable, so hopefully I will have good news to report soon.

And a funny story to finish... supplied by The Boy One (after his meltdown)... when asked if he wanted leftover meat and baked potato for dinner, he informed me that he isn't eating meat anymore. When I questioned him, he said its mean to eat animals like pigs. So I asked him if he is going to b3become a vegetarian and he said yes. Then a couple minutes later he asked for a cheeseburger, lol. When I reminded him that hamburger comes from cows, he was like "that's okay, just no pigs for me." Now the question is when do I burst his bubble? He LOVES bacon!

I swear I'm writing you all a happy post tomorrow! :)

Summer Craziness!

2010-08-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Here I am again - looking at how many days its been since I last posted - thinking how could it really have been so long?!?! August has been a crazy month, well the whole summer really, but this month in particular. In light of previous posts about my home situation and several long discussions with trusted friends I decided that I needed to start taking care of some long over due things... like trips to the doctor and dentist while I have good coverage... which has opened up all sorts of new heartache. Like I have any more energy to deal with stress or heartache... seriously its amazing I'm not eating whole pizzas and Costco packs of chocolate.

The routine - lets get a checkup - appointment at the doctor turned into two referrals to specialists, extensive blood work and the decision to go off the pill and get Mirena instead. Specialist #1 is to get spot removed off my eyelid - but guess what - since it can't be done on base the insurance won't cover it. Specialist #2 is to look at some suspicious spots on my skin. Yes, I know I'm whiter than the paper in my printer... so yeah I'm a little concerned about this. **** TMI ALERT **** Mirena is a good thing - I mean no remembering to take a pill and I don't feel sick from taking the pill - TOM came to visit within a couple days after I got it and stopped taking the pills... and has yet to leave - two weeks later. UGH!!!

The dentist was/is a nightmare. Quick back story: My Mom never took care of my oral health or took me to a dentist growing up and as a result I have extensive problems with my teeth. During my adult life we have spent thousands trying to correct the damage... all to no avail apparently. The dentist did his routine exam and recommended removing all of the upper teeth and almost all of the lower ones as well. Its one of those things where I knew the day was coming, but hearing it from him brought back all of the anger and hurt I have spent my whole life feeling toward my Mom over this. When the physical pain of it gets bad, the anger always resurfaces. There was NO excuse for not taking me to a dentist or at least making sure I had a toothbrush and toothpaste. So now... our out of pocket expense to do what the dentist says I need done is a little over $6,200!!! Besides the anger and hurt with my Mom over this... it makes me feel trapped in a situation I don't want to be in. The only bright side at all is I talked to him about it and he said to do whatever it takes to get the money to pay for it... even selling some of his precious sports card collection (but then I feel guilty about that idea with everything else going on in my mind).

The Husband Update... in his words... "I made it, I finally made it!" That's the call I got from him about two weeks ago when he called to tell me he made Chief. Its a big accomplishment and regardless of everything else, I'm still proud of him. He's worked hard for it and because of choices he made for the sake of the family a lot of people thought he would never make it. Deployment is half over... I have mixed feelings about that... as I'm sure you can imagine if you've read my previous posts.

In healthy living news... I've managed to get my butt out the door and be active almost every day since I last posted. The weather has been pretty amazing and having the beach a five minute walk from the house helps tremendously. We did the walk on ferry ride across the water and walked all over the little town there - including up and down this steep staircase a few times. While The Boy One was staying with Grandma I drove up toward the mountains a did a couple of short hikes - both in very safe, well travelled places. We've been beach & fort exploring all over the island. I'm so thankful that there are so many good active outings close to home - its really a fantastic place to live during the summer.

Food has been kind of hit or miss the last few weeks. At home, I've been eating healthy enough for the most part... other than my current ice cream fetish, lol. The problem is too much restaurant food... too much good restaurant food. With being a little careful about my menu choices, only eating foods that I truly enjoy the taste of, skipping appetizers and desserts, and choosing water I think even the restaurant splurges haven't done that much damage.

Since I got home from my trip to Cali, I've lost 5 lbs... so I'm not going to complain. That said, I am looking forward to school starting so I can get back to a better routine - with less restaurant food and MORE gym time... its scary (in a good way) how much I miss that place.

Time for a little blog speed reading... I've missed so much in this summer craziness... hope everyone is doing well! :)

Adios to the 200s... AGAIN! & Vacation Report At Last

2010-08-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

Again... and for the absolute LAST time... I have said farewell to a number on the scale that starts with 2. I swear it will NEVER, EVER happen again! When I hopped on the scale this morning and it read 198.8 I could have done a happy dance... it was a like a huge sigh of relief to see that I am recovering fairly quickly from my vacation gain.

Jeans in 15 has now become jeans in 12.8.

And back to the vacation.. long overdue... but I want to share my adventure with you. It was seriously one of the most active vacations I've ever been on... which I guess is why I was a little surprised by the amount I gained (even though I ate like a pig at way too many good restaurants). Sorry I don't have pictures to add at the moment, they are stuck on a different computer. :(

Day one of my vacation, I went to preschool, lol. My niece is a preschool teacher and she had one more day of work before her vacation started. We took the kids to a park to play, it was about a six block walk each direction. Then on her lunch hour we walked about four blocks each way to get food. Oh and that night after she was off work we went to REI and I got some awesome hiking boots on clearance for a great deal (I LOVE me a bargain!).

Day two was antique stores, bead store & laundry... nothing too exciting.

Day three we took the ferry from Oakland to Fisherman's Wharf. We walked all over, including a several block trek to find a Starbucks (apparently its the only coffee she finds to be worth drinking). That would also be the day we ate at both Bubba Gump and the Hard Rock Cafe.... and I don't regret a single food choice I made that day.

Day four we visited Point Reyes Lighthouse out on the California coast. It was breathtakingly beautiful & freezing cold. The winds were intense and even though we had bundled for winter, it was still chilly. The walk from the parking area to the lighthouse area is something near a mile I think. But its the trek from there to the lighthouse that makes this an intense active experience, they even have a sign posted warning people how strenuous it is. The stairs that lead to the lighthouse are equal to a 30-story building! Going down was naturally easier than coming up. Before we started back up, I joked that we were about to put all my stairmaster time to the test. Turns out that all the effort on the stairmaster really has paid off... I was able to easily do the 30 stories back up & actually sprinted most of the way. When I got to the top I was barely even breathing hard & didn't break a sweat!!!! Seriously a year ago even, that would have been a VERY different story! I was pretty proud of myself and even considered going back to the bottom to do it a second time. Truthfully the only that stopped me was the wind blowing 40mph all around me. If you ever get the chance to visit, do it! Its so worth it, both from the exercise standpoint and the sheer beauty of the place.

Day five was another AWESOME day! We started out by meeting my brother and sister in law for lunch. I hadn't seen my brother for a couple years, thought I wasn't going to see him this trip, so this was a great surprise for me. After lunch, we set out for the Golden Gate Bridge. We parked and took some pictures from the park that overlooks the bridge. Let's just say I wasn't thinking clearly, 40mph winds up there and I was in shorts and a little tank top. By the time I got back to the car I couldn't feel my fingers. Next, we walked across both spans of the bridge to the San Fransisco side and back.... round trip is right around four miles. For the walk I was smart enough to grab a jacket, but my legs were like giant icicles by the time we got back to the car. Walking across the bridge was amazing... it totally ranks right up there with top moments in my life. There was just something about experiencing such a well-known historic landmark in that way that is hard to put into words.

By day six, I was admittedly a bit on the sore side after two really active days in a row. But nevertheless, we went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom. It was a lot of fun. We saw the dolphin show and whale show. The dolphins drenched me, so I spent the rest of the day drying out... not so fun. This was another one of those little victories... being able to truly experience and enjoy the park with NO worries about fitting on the rides. Its amazing how something so simple can lead to such feelings of freedom and inner-peace.

So there it is... the run down on the most active vacation of my life. All in all it was a great trip and I have to say in addition to being the most active... it was also the most fulfilling vacation I've ever been on.

Next stop on my travels.... CHICAGO!!! I can't wait...

Emotional Overload

2010-07-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

Those two words pretty much sum up my life right now. Besides all of the other stuff I've shared recently there is an additional situation wreaking havoc on my heart. If I've never mentioned it before... let it be known I have little ability to cope with rejection and am extremely easily hurt. Once hurt, healing the hurt is next to impossible... I may squash it down and try to put it in the back of my mind... but honestly it NEVER really goes away.

And right now I've been attacked and rejected for no other reason than the fact that I exist... and I'm hurt... beyond hurt. Its all I could do to make it through the day without breaking down in tears. It was so bad that even the idea of retail therapy held no appeal - after all that would have required gathering myself enough to enter a store and pretend to happy (or at least not falling apart).

This is the thing... I've put myself in a bubble of sorts to avoid feelings of hurt. As bad as things are here sometimes with The Husband - he may get under my skin, irritate the crap out of me, make me want to scream in aggravation - he has pretty much zero ability left to hurt me emotionally (I suspect because I am so emotionally detached from him). Things that happen with The Boy One may hurt my heart because I wish things could be easier or better for him & they may bring up tough to swallow emotions connected to what his father did to me... but they don't hurt ME in terms of who I am. Even my Mom's ability to hurt me is diminished as I've come to terms with who she is and why she acts the way she does. Unfortunately there are still people that have the ability to hurt me... dang it!

And as if that isn't enough on its own... I get this phone call from The Husband. He is completely freaking out over a status I put on Facebook a few days ago - something about considering options. Of course his mind automatically jumps to the wrong conclusions and he goes off on me telling me how inappropriate it was for me to put that when he is thousands of miles away. Seriously, that could have been about a hundred different things - it was actually about something to do with my blog (more on that later) - no need to get your boy panties in a bunch. Classic example of something that irritates me, but has no ability to hurt me. Yes, there was a day when I would have been crushed at what he was implying, but that time has passed I guess.

The emotions of the day (the last couple really) definitely have had an impact. Food was miserable today- Mexican for lunch followed by pizza for dinner. On the bright side, I didn't snack during the day or evening and I limited myself to two pieces of pizza at dinner. Yesterday exercise was more or less non-existent. Tonight, I drove across town and walked on the beach for an hour or so as the sun was setting and even dipped my feet in the water. It was absolutely gorgeous... so wish I'd grabbed my camera from the car when I got there. The fresh air was wonderful and it felt good to move... even if it wasn't an intense workout & probably didn't burn too many calories.

My big weekend plans are a trip to Crate & Barrel and I'm finally going to go visit a bead store in Seattle I've been dying to get to for months now. Yay! Besides that, I'm gonna chill with The Boy One and catch up on more blogs... I'm sooooo far behind.

One final thing to mention... I FINALLY bought my plane ticket for Chicago... after getting reassurance from Draz that she isn't going to chicken out (I can't be the only band-less one there, I need her to eat with me, lol).

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Victoria Secret, Shaving & Jeans in 15

2010-07-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

That's the deal I struck with a friend of mine tonight... new jeans for both of us when we each lose 15 pounds. This was his pronouncement tonight... his way of pacing his spending since the jeans he's eyeing are over $300. Seriously, who buys jeans for $300???? Let's just say he shops at Nordstrom while I spend my time in Ross, lol. Anyway, it seemed like a good idea and I agreed to it... cuz let me tell you all right now I did plenty of shopping on my vacation. No joke - I had to go to Ross & buy another suitcase to come home. Thank goodness I flew Southwest so I could check a second bag without paying.

Margatini Night was lots of fun. Our favorite bartender wasn't there, but the chick didn't do too bad with our drinks. I think the waiter had a serious crush on my BFF and we took full advantage... pretty sure he was blushing under that dark skin of his, lol. Then there was the guy sitting across from us that had statue of liberty hair, high water pants & socks pulled up to his knees. Oh and I can't forget the waitress flitting around the restaurant that had her hair done to look like a Holly Hobbie doll. It all combined for a much needed giggle for both of us.

The time has come... to share the story of my most recent visit to Victoria Secret. Let me start by saying that I'm standing there digging through the baskets of discounted bras & across the table from me is this very uncomfortable looking guy with his wife/girlfriend. The woman and I are both loading up on the pretty colored bras in our respective sizes. She then starts pulling out some neutral, beige ones. He looks at them, frowns and says something about those not being nearly as sexy as the colored ones. Without even thinking, I look up and say to him... "bras aren't always about sex appeal for the guy; girls need them for function too ya know." The poor guy (who I have little sympathy for) turned about six shade of red, lol.

After gathering my arm load of possibilities I headed to the fitting room... which was an experience in itself. Eight bras all in my supposed size... the first one was so tight I would have been lucky to squeeze one of the girls into the darn thing! It was so darn tight, I literally felt like the life was being squeezed out of me... I swear it was really mismarked, some one's idea of a joke or I was being secretly video taped. Bras 2-5 all had enough extra room for me to grow into (no thank you). Number six turned out to be pure perfection... good fit, a smidge of wiggle room, no spillage and flaming red! I didn't bother trying the last two. Now what to do with the flaming red bra?!? Well go out and find matching panties of course, lol.

The best part of the Victoria Secret experience... I managed to totally avoid the over helpful sales girl that wanted to come in there and feel me up. Pretty sure I can happily live the rest of my life without the sales girl coming to adjust things for me. That ranks right up there with my "love" of female OB docs... would so rather have a guy digging around down there (sorry if that's TMI)... is that weird?

And since my post is spiraling toward the gutter... I just as well share this too... an NSV of sorts.

There I was in the bathroom - shortly before my trip - shaving the whootananny region. SIDE NOTE: Is it bad that I now think of Draz and her "powder" experiment every time I'm doing this? Anyway... I realized as I was shaving... OMG, I can see everything now!!!! I don't know when that happened... but wow in an oh um sorta way, lol! 50 pounds ago, 40 pounds ago, 30 pounds ago... I had to use a mirror when I was shaving if I wanted to see everything... so this is HUGE.

Enough gutter talk... next up is a vacation report. For now though, I must go fall into bed...

It Felt Good...

2010-07-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

Despite a rough start to the day - I accidentally turned off the alarm instead of hitting the snooze button - by 12:45pm I was headed out the door to the gym. As I was puttering around the house - getting my shoes on, water bottle filled, post workout snack packed - I realized that I was already feeling energized. It felt good to go through the steps to prepare for a workout. It felt good to walk into the gym and see familiar faces. It felt good to climb on an elliptical machine and get moving. It felt good to have sweat running down my back (and I hate sweat, lol). It felt good to peddle on the bike. It felt unbelievably good to get in there and do a solid workout - not my best and not the most intense- but solid nonetheless... 30 minutes elliptical and 35 minutes on the bike.

Today was the first day in way too many days that I ate NOTHING from a restaurant or convenience store. Breakfast was a bagel thin with laughing cow cheese & some blueberries. I had some trex mix for a post workout snack. Lunch wasn't the best... a quesadilla with white tortillas and too much full fat cheese... but at least it didn't come from a restaurant. Dinner was grilled chicken salad with turkey bacon & 2% cheddar. Then after dinner I made some lemon poppy-seed muffins... which I proceeded to eat way too many of... the good news they are only about 40 calories each. Still, I'm pleased with the day overall... I avoided restaurants, sugary soda and was pretty healthy for two of my three meals.

I felt more like "me" than I have in a long time today. It felt good to make & execute a plan... It felt good to put healthy foods into my body (if we ignore the quesadilla). It feels good to get to the end of the day and not be beating myself up over caving into the temptation of a drive-thru on my way home from the gym. And high on the list of things that felt good today... all of the warm welcome backs I received from you... those comments mean so much.

Thursday is a busy day with therapy for The Boy One and Margatini night with my BFF. I don't know if I've explained margatini night before... we go to Applebees 3-4 times a month, she drinks a martini, I drink a margarita... so we named it margatini night. I generally try to eat one of their "healthier" options. I've had the steak and chicken from their 550 calorie menu.... any other ideas on tasty meals there? I'm kind of in the mood to try something new & definitely want to stick to a healthier choice.

And just for Draz... because I adore her so much... I'm finally writing my Victoria Secret post. :)

Here I am

2010-07-28T01:21:00.000-07:00

Did you all think I was lost forever? I was beginning to think so. Things have gone from busy, busy to insanely hectic. I wrote my "secrets" post, went to the dinner, and then before I knew it my vacation day had arrived. I've been home for a few days and am slowly settling into a normal routine.... whatever "normal" is.

The dinner was interesting... the topic of what happened to me didn't come up, but he came up in conversation. Something I never knew at the time - he was physically abusive to her during their marriage. To the point that to this day, she can't be tickled or restrained. It makes me think that in some way I was conditioned to end up in an abusive relationship... that being one of the primary examples of a relationship I saw growing up. Bottom line, I survived the dinner and didn't feel overly traumatized by it...

As far as stepping out of the shadows goes... I'm thinking long and hard on a lot of things. Knowing what you should do intellectually is so much easier than actually doing it... and there are so many warring factors rattling around in my brain & heart. I feel like I'm trapped on a huge roller coaster that dives every time I have something figured out. Seriously think its time to find a new shrink...

Trying to get back into the swing of things after vacation (which I must share about soon) has been a challenge. The good news is The Boy One did amazingly well with the sitter for the whole week! More good news, vacation was very active for me! Now for the not so good news... I hate a TON of yummy food while I was gone - Cheesecake Factory, Bubba Gump, Hard Rock Cafe, In-n-Out (twice), IHOP, a couple Mexican places, the best sushi place ever... not to mention my niece made pancakes for breakfast almost every morning. I stepped on the scale with tightly clenched fists this morning... to see a number I swore I would never see again unless I was pregnant - 201. Seriously, I could cry and cry and cry and cry! This is NOT good! I am so disappointed in myself. I mean I know it was vacation and all, but really?!? And when you hear about all the active stuff we did, you're gonna know that I must have been eating for a small village to gain so much weight.

After the shocker on the scale... and after drying the literal river that flowed in the bathroom as a result... I went to Safeway where chicken was on sale for really cheap and the commissary. Now the house is stocked with plenty of healthy options to last until payday. I already planned my Wednesday for a full workout at the gym and an evening walk. Enough settling in time... its time to get back to business. For now I"m going to take all freakin 201 pounds of me to bed... sleep is a good thing. Looking forward to catching up with everyone. Thanks for not abandoning me in my absence. :)

A Quick Note...

2010-07-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

Because I'm a tech-loving girl, all of my email notifications for comments naturally come straight to my phone. Anyone who has been around me when one of these notifications have come through since my last post probably things I'm a certifiable emotional wreck by now. The love, support and kind words from all of you has bee nothing short of amazing. This community of bloggers is truly without comparison...

Sunday night/Monday morning, I will be posting a follow up to that post (go here if you haven't read it), but I just wanted to let everyone know that I am hanging in there... continuing to "feel" my emotions... and mostly how thankful I am for all of the wonderful support.

Happy news of the day... I got a new Hungry Girl cookbook... so when I get back from Cali I will have more new recipes to try. My big weekend plan is to get out and enjoy the weather... I swear if I don't get my feet in some sand and water tomorrow there are gonna be serious problems, lol.

Oh and I must start considering packing for my trip... 7 days in Cali... how many outfits could one girl possibly need??????

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Secrets Revealed...

2010-07-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

but not the ones Draz has been waiting for. The report on Victoria and her secrets is gonna have to wait... again. Sorry Drazil... but I've got bigger fish to fry today. If I can force myself to write this, I'm about to be honest with myself and all of you in a way I've never been...

On this beautiful sunny day, rather than being outside enjoying the fantastic weather... I'm sitting inside thinking of dark, horrid days.... the days of abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse.

Why am I thinking about these things?

The short answer is that they are never far from my mind. Current events are making the thoughts harder to shove aside.

Tonight I am invited to dinner at the home of someone I spent most of my teen years loving like a second mother. Someone that I have barely spoken to and even more rarely seen as an adult.
She is the now ex-wife of the man that sexually abused me... Why am I doing this? Well, I was invited and I thought I'd be okay with it. But guess what, as the time gets closer I'm realizing I'm really not so okay with it. Just knowing that I'm going to go there and be around this woman and her daughter has my mind racing with emotions that I thought were long buried.

This family became like a second family to me and my Mom after my Dad passed away. They were junior high youth group leaders at Church. They were the type of leaders that had the group over to their home often, took us on camping trips, to concerts, all the fun times you can dream up. As soon as I was old enough, I became the primary babysitter for their three children. The man worked for a well-known computer company at the time and also did video production on the side. At 12-13 years old, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world when he would let me stay up half the night with him, watching while he was working on whatever video project he was involved with. There in that video room is where the abuse began. It started so simply (a touch on the arm that lingered too long) and progressed to things that need not be spoken of over the next five years.

The shame I carry over that time in my life is immense. I feel responsible for the fact that this man went on to sexually abuse both of his daughters. I feel like I betrayed his wife, that I loved so dearly. I know they say the child is always the victim and its NEVER their fault. At 12, perhaps I was innocent... but there has always been this part of me that feels like as I became a teenager and allowed it to continue I became partially responsible. I mean I could have put an end to it at any time... I could have stopped allowing him to take me places... I could have stopped agreeing to go babysit when I knew the wife would be away... I could have opened my mouth and said something. But nope, I kept allowing him to take me to concerts, I kept going there to babysit, I kept my mouth shut, I kept it a secret. I allowed him to continue to be a part of my life... to the point that he did my wedding video as a gift and they hosted our rehearsal dinner. It wasn't until after I had been married a few months that I finally told The Husband the truth & then eventually my Mom found out. Over the years, it has become apparent that he was a predator and I was one of several girls that he was sexually abusing at the time. He's married to one of them now... how sick is that? Still... I can't let go of the shame...

I am going to go to this dinner & do my best to leave the past where it is... maybe seeing that they have moved on and are living happy lives will help me heal.

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Last night was a bad night with The Boy One. He became violently upset - kicking and hitting me - over having to turn off his video game. He managed to kick me 8-12 times in the hip area and I'm pretty badly bruised as a result. These outbursts are becoming more and more frightening the bigger he gets. This is the worst he has ever hurt me (I couldn't sleep on that side because it hurt too much to lie on it and today it hurts to sit because of it). Besides being scared for what the future holds (I can't let him keep doing this to me, but I don't know how to stop it), the severity of the incident takes me right back to all the feelings and emotions of the abuse I've suffered at his father's hands.

I know I've eluded to physical/mental abuse in my past before... without the details. That was out of respect for The Husband and his extreme sensitivity about his privacy... but this is about me and I can't do it anymore. I can't sweep it all under the rug as a part of my past when, to a degree, it is still very much a part of my present.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this year... and for most of those 15 years I have been every bit the battered wife in one sense or another. The first five months of our marriage were pretty wonderful, then he went on deployment and came back a different man. Keep in mind this wasn't war time & he was deployed to a beautiful tropical island... paradise as he called it. Within three months of his return the physical abuse started. It started with a little push and being restrained when I wanted to move. Over the years, it progressed to repeated choking incidents and being pummelled in the back til I fell in a ball to the floor. There came a point where he was arrested, the Navy put him through their DV program and alcohol treatment, he was a "good boy" for a year and in the eyes of the law its like none of it ever happened... never mind the fact that I have permanent damage in my back as a result. Despite a couple of borderline physical incidents recently, I've told myself for years that the abuse was over. The thing is... that's a lie! Its not really over! The abuse has just changed from physical to emotional. I am controlled in new ways and made to feel like the bad person more than ever if I choose to stand up for myself or The Boy One.

Last night's incident with The Boy One forces me think about these things and face things I don't want to face...

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You might be wondering what all of this has to do with losing weight or being healthy. I know these events have deeper impact than I'm going to go into right now. But quickies for now... Even as a teenager, I was on the plump side and I think part of me hoped that if I grew plump enough this guy that sexually abused me would turn his attention elsewhere (he had a major problem with "fat" people). When you live with an abusive person, you typically do what they want, when they want... and don't rock the boat by doing things such as taking care of yourself or demanding dietary changes. Perhaps this is why I was able to finally began losing weight and being healthier when he was gone... just a thought.

For now... I'm going to get out the door and enjoy some of this beautiful weather... and think about what it would mean to step out of the shadows of my life and start truly living...

The Weekend Experience

2010-07-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

After all of the struggles over the past few weeks, I am relieved to report that I had a very successful holiday weekend! I have to start with my BIG NSV because I am so excited about it!!!

For the first time in 13 years, I got to go on my very favorite carnival ride... The Ring of Fire.

Three or four summers ago, I remember looking at it longingly - knowing there was no way I could squeeze my wide hips in there with another person (and they require two riders). When I was in high school, it was a tight fit for me and my then BFF... so there was NO chance that I'd fit after packing on an extra 60 pounds from my high school weight.

When the carnival was here in the spring this year, I knew I was small enough to fit once again... but there was no freakin Ring of Fire. Driving to town Thursday night, I saw it sitting there in all its glory and was giddy with excitement. The next task was finding a victim to accompany me... enter my friend Melissa... who just happened to come stay the weekend. We got to the carnival and the darn thing was closed for some unknown reason! I was so bummed... I could have cried. We let the kids do their thing and toward the end of the evening it was reopened and I got to ride... FINALLY! Not only did I fit... I fit with room to spare!!!!! It was amazing!!!!

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Saturday was a busy day. My friend, Melissa, was here with her oldest son and three year old niece. We took the kids to one of the local parks/forts and had a blast walking all over. I couldn't find my pedometer (a sure sign that I've been away from my normal routine for way too long), but I think we probably walked about three miles all together. Plus, every time we came to a staircase, I went up and down them a couple times each while waiting on the kids. The kids were pretty worn out by the end of the day... burned some extra calories carrying the three year old around at various points. It was also pretty cool, we happened to run into an old friend and his kids there... I used to babysit them when they were little, but hadn't seen them in years. We packed along sack lunches for the day... mine was filled with a whole wheat bagel thin spread with laughing cow cheese, a pine nut mix with dried cranberries, and a 100 calorie pack of cookies... satisfying and a perfect amount for a busy, on-the-go afternoon. Plus, I was pleased with myself for not caving in to the temptation of fast food...

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Food was a better experience in general this weekend... despite the "crap food friends," lol. I ended up doing a lot of cooking... and for the most part there was no complaining. Food items included homemade chicken taquitos (about 225 calories for two of them) and a breakfast scramble with turkey kielbasa, onion, garlic and tomato. Seriously, I don't think they even realized they were eating healthy foods. Thank God for Hungry Girl recipes. :)

At my Mom's yesterday, we managed to have a pretty healthy 4th of July meal too. We had grilled kabobs, fruit salad with a yogurt dressing and corn bread. The corn bread was my splurge and it was soooooo yummy... it didn't even need butter.

They do the community fireworks right by her house, so we got to watch from her front yard... super nice to be able to avoid the crowds. The last two years I have been gone on the 4th, so it was lots of fun to watch The Boy One watching the fireworks. He used to be scared to death of them, but this year he was jumping up and down excited and hollering "BRAVO" at the top of his lungs between each burst.

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Monday has proven to be a most relaxing day. I finally finished planting my flowers for the back patio and the veggies are all in pots too. In the afternoon, I was in the car, on the way to the gym, and the weather was soooooo nice I couldn't stand the thought of being cooped up indoors. So... I went to one of the beaches in town and walked. It was a pretty short walk - about a mile - because I was sans-sunscreen... but I walked down on the rocky beach which is a way more intense workout for the legs than the boardwalk portion. It felt good to get out there. If the weatherman is right, we are headed for a stretch of awesome weather... which makes me itch for all the different beaches and trails... I can't wait! I'll just have to dash into the gym for some weight training. I just installed RunKeeper on my NEW phone, so that will be fun to use too!

Drazil says I must report on my trip to Victoria Secret... among other things... so I shall try to oblige her in my next post. Also, I know I have some awards that I've been terribly remiss in responding too... thank you so much for them... they mean more than you know...

Keeping my fingers crossed for a happy scale day...

Empty Cupboards...

2010-07-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

Breed Disaster...

Attempting to get back into the swing of "normal" healthy eating today proved to be quite challenging... due to empty cupboards. Seriously, I don't know what happened around here... too much spur of the moment shopping and not enough planning I guess.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized this is a huge part of where I derail myself so often. I get so busy with "life" stuff that I don't take the time to plan and shop accordingly. Then, I get hungry and either grab some fragment of a healthy meal or - far worse - decide a quick drive into town and xyz drive-in is a good solution. Because we all know you shouldn't go to the grocery store hungry, right. This would probably be okayish if it was a rare occurrence, but it has seriously happened every day for the last two weeks with few exceptions. Yikes!!!!!

Seeing the error of my ways, I made a quick run to the grocery store (after eating Chinese food for lunch) and picked up enough staples to get us through until I can successfully plan a few days worth of meals and get to the commissary. In my temporarily enlightened state, I also came to the following conclusion regarding the eating habits of my friends... I am going to plan pack along meals for when I'm visiting there. They'll just have to understand. If they happen to make something I feel I can eat, then I will... but no more eating what they offer because I have no other choice at hand. Also, I think I will start inviting them to visit here - where I can be in charge of meals- more often.

Now for the question of the day... does anyone have a good low calorie/fat recipe for seafood alfredo? One of my friends that will be coming to stay for the holiday weekend is dying for me to make some for her. I have a splendid full fat recipe - which I would normally splurge and make for her - but I don't want to do that when I'm just trying to recover from this lapse in healthfulness.

Maybe the problem with June was that its the "hump month" of the year... just a thought...

Lost & Floundering

2010-06-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! I can't believe how long its been since I posted. Seriously, I NEVER EVER meant to go so long between posts.... I don't even know what happened. Life I guess. Things got crazy finishing up the job. My Mom needed extra stuff. I reconnected with some old friends. The long neglected yard demanded time and attention. The Boy One has been having serious issues with behavior & his allergies. The list goes on...

The thing is I feel like I've gotten lost - at least the me that is focused on living a healthy lifestyle & putting those needs first. The me that needs a full life & time with friends is thriving - except I feel like crap because I know its taking time away from the gym & the food choices have been dismal at best. I 100% feel like I'm floundering - trying to figure out how to make it all work together. Its time to forge a new path... and find a new way to balance it all... I guess part of what I'm having a hard time with is that it will mean doing things that others might perceive as rude (like bringing my own meals along when I'm invited over) and I HATE the notion of appearing bitchy or "obsessed." But then on the flip side, I suppose they should understand. Sigh... it sucks trying to be a people pleaser all the time...

Two really apparent things... no matter how busy I am, I NEED to find time to blog DAILY. It so helps keep the focus where it needs to be. And, I absolutely have to track my food, especially if I'm loading up on what I'm offered other places. Just a quick example of what I'm dealing with here... dinner one night was grilled pork chops (not too bad), three starches and a minuscule amount of veggies. Oh and who among us thinks that sandwiches (on white bread) with margarine, bologna and cheese is a healthy meal? lol

The Deployment Challenge has taken a backseat to everything- which I guess means I've put my own needs on the back burner. I admit it and I'm miserable about it. It's well thought out for how things were - not so much for how things have turned out. Month two is definitely going to have some more flexibility built into it.

For the first month, I pretty much failed on all of my goals... except I managed to lose weight for the month. Despite backsliding badly this last 7-10 days, I pulled out a 1.6 pound loss for the month... far from what I was hoping for but I'm thankful for it. My StairMaster day resulted in 210 floors. My Bike Marathon day is supposed to be tomorrow, but I already know its going to have to wait until Thursday or Friday because I won't have enough time to spend that long at the gym until then. But I will do it.

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And for the better late than never part of my post... my BIG news...

I'm going to Cali for a week in mid-July... by myself! I'll be visiting my niece and relaxing. The Boy One will be here with the sitter... I am so relieved to have someone I can trust to keep him for that long. Plus, the BFF will be in town if there is a major issue while I'm gone. Its going to be soooooo nice to get away and relax for a few days! I can't wait!!!

I'm off to the gym... but I swear I will NEVER go so long without blogging again... seriously. If I forget to blog about this, someone needs to be in charge of reminding me til I do it... I had a "hair removal experience" that ranks right up there with Drazil & her powder...

Hope you've all been doing well. I'll try to catch up on some reading later. :)

House Rules & StairMaster Day Approaches

2010-06-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

We've all heard that you should only eat in the kitchen or dining area. The primary reason I've heard over and over is that you're mindful of what you're eating if you aren't distracted by other things while you're eating. I have to admit I've always been one to "overlook" (okay ignore) this advice. I always figured since I pre-portion everything and don't eat directly from a container that I would be okay eating where ever it was convenient. For the most part I think that's been true enough, but...

When we moved into this house (2 1/2 years ago), we made the rule that there would be no food in the living room that could cause stains on the carpet. So beverages and pretty much anything but dry snacks were off limits to the living room. This totally changed my snacking habits, as far as what I was eating... almonds or other nuts became the snack standard.

Now that I've brought this new furniture into the house...

I've tightened the house rules for food even more. NO food or beverage in the living room at all. Call me OCD, but I don't even want to have to worry about crumbs or anything at all on the new furniture... so NO FOOD IN THE LIVING ROOM!

Its no secret, I spend the majority of my hours at home in the living room - aside from the kitchen, its where everything happens in our house. I have to admit that I'm surprised by the impact this new rule has had. Even though the number of calories I consume daily hasn't changed much at all, my basic eating patterns have changed quite a bit. I'm not eating as many snacks. There is more variety in my snacks - more fruits, yogurt, little salads - they are more balanced. Late night eating has almost completely stopped! This is huge because I'm a night owl & with our old furniture I was prone to breaking the rule and having a little ice cream or something when I got hungry late at night. Now, more often than not, I'm finding that even if I'm a little hungry feeling when I go to bed that's okay.

So, it seems, the house rule to protect the new furniture may also help shrink my tush... which brings me to my next topic...

Tomorrow is the first of my monthly "see how many floors I can do before I collapse" days on the StairMaster. Let me just tell you right now, I'm not expecting great results... the number of times I've been on the StairMaster to prepare for this event is dismal at best. I'm just gonna get on there and do my best - what else can I do at this point? To make it as successful as possible... my plan is to go to bed earlier than usual tonight, get up enough before The Boy One to get a refreshing shower and healthy breakfast before he gets up for school, and make sure I down a good chunk of water throughout the morning. I plan to arrive at the gym at 8:00-9:00am which should give me plenty of time to "collapse"before I have to be home to babysit.

I have other BIG news to share... but I'm saving it for another post because I'm mean like that, lol. Hope you're all having a great start to the week!

Do Better!

2010-06-11T00:24:00.000-07:00

That's what the Outdoor Challenge game for the Wii kept telling me tonight - wretched thing!

As I was standing there - fighting to catch my breath between activities - I was trying to remember the last time I actually "played" this game and it has been MONTHS. It may seem like I can do amazing things at the gym... but at this one little Wii game I SUCKED big time. This got me to thinking about the importance of varying my workouts and how easy it is to get into a rut of doing the same thing day in/day out - week after week.

This made me oddly thankful for the chaos that is my life right now - because if things were more "routine" I'd be doing my normal thing at the gym & maybe getting in some outdoor walks with the weather supposedly improving. If that were the case, I would likely be increasing my distance and time on cardio equipment and I would still be totally clueless about how poor my jumping skills & reflexes have become. I've seriously got some work to do... I couldn't jump the virtual rope more than a dozen times without tripping and falling on my face, lol.

On the job front, I'm not going to work again until Sunday afternoon/evening. So that means I will have TIME! Time to clean my house. Time to do meal planning. Time to do meal prep. Time to get to the gym & get a few floors in so the StairMaster part of my challenge doesn't kill me on the 15th. Time to do something fun with The Boy One. Time!!!! I can barely believe it!

Part way through the day I found myself craving a candy bar in the worst possible way (my friend George aka TOM has arrived), but in my quest to find alternatives to squelch these cravings in lower calorie ways I did this.... I grabbed one little 100 calorie ice cream cup from the freezer, topped it with a tablespoon of reduced sugar chocolate syrup, four frozen chocolate chips and two chopped almonds. I took it out on the patio (in a rare moment of bright skies) and savored every bite. Not quite the same as a candy bar... but every bit as tasty as a Hershey's with Almonds... and it saved me 50-75 calories... not a lot, but every bit helps right?

How do you beat the TOM cravings?

IHOPpin' to Trader Joe's

2010-06-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

Write.

Delete.

Write.

Delete.

That is what I've been doing for the last five minutes, trying to figure out how to start this post. All day I've been thinking about what I wanted to follow up my last post with... and now that I finally have time to sit down and write I am so tired I don't feel up to tackling that tonight... so you get this (and I apologize in advance for how boring it will be).

This was a LONG day... with lots miles on the road for me. My Mom had a legal appointment this afternoon, so I was out the door as soon as The Boy One was off to school. She wanted to go to IHOP before her appointment. Let me stop right here and say that this was her fourth trip there in less than a week. And the other three were with members of her TOPS group. WTH???

I looked over the menu & was pleased to see that the whole back was filled with reasonably low calorie restaurant options (under 600). I was quickly frustrated when I hopped on my phone and discovered that I couldn't find nutritional info for their other menu items. After coming home, I dug a little deeper and discovered that the rats apparently have an aversion to sharing their nutritional info. That's gotta say something about the damage eating there can do if you're not careful.

Despite the "healthful" menu options, I finally settled on something else. The Sirloin Tips & Eggs breakfast meal... except this is me who hates eggs... so they let me substitute a fruit cup for the eggs.

My best guess on this meal is that it was somewhere between 609-1000 calories. I was able to find individual calorie counts for the fruit, pancakes and whipped butter. Myplate says that the meal is 609 calories, but I'm wondering if that is strictly for the steak & egg part (not including the hash browns or pancakes). While I'm still a bit frustrated I can't pinpoint the exact calorie content for the meal, I have to say I'm glad I chose this meal. Everything tasted delicious. The steak was tender, the mushrooms and onions flavorful, the fruit juicy ripe and the pancakes to die for fluffy.

By the way, me taking this picture for you all to see my meal prompted another round of my Mom's bewilderment over my decision to blog and talk to "strangers on the Internet." I think she still didn't believe I was really blogging because she was like "are you REALLY doing that?" in that tone of total disbelief.

The legal appointment happened to be in a city where they have a Trader Joe's; yay for me! You people that have them in your backyards are sooooo lucky... this driving over an hour to get to one is crazy, lol.

I picked up all of these goodies...

plus a few other things. I'm particularly excited about the fresh blueberries (my FAVORITE fruit) and some white balsamic vinegar that someone in the store suggested trying.

My "treat" of the shopping trip were these chips...

Holy crap! These things are soooooo tasty. I opened the bag in the car on the way home because I was dying for a snack and figured they were a better option than a drive-thru. Driving home, in pounding rain, I counted each and every chip that I put in my mouth - the bag says 20 is approximately a 1 oz serving - and stopped at 20. The rest of the bag sat on the seat next to me for the rest of the hour long drive home and I didn't touch it again! Amazing because these are truly crazy good!

Because I'm curious - and because I bought a bunch of it - what's your favorite thing to stir into yogurt?

Let's All STOP!

2010-06-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

Before I get on to my post, I should report that the scale LOVED me today... to the tune of 4.2 pounds!!! Holy crapola I can hardly believe it... its rare, if ever, that I've seen that large a number. I stood staring at the scale having one of those moments of "how the heck did that happen? am I sick and don't know it?" Then I thought how different this past week was from the few previous and I calmed my not-so-little self down.

So the report for week one: I had a loss of 4.2 pounds, which brings me down to 194.4. My calories ranged from 1190-2500ish during the week. I had restaurant food on three days, but on the third day kept it within the calories of my planned meal. Exercise was a real struggle, which I wrote about yesterday. I got in a tad of cardio... I think about 3 miles walking is all; two core workouts and one general strength training workout.

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Okay, now on to what is really on my little mind... something that has been lurking for a few days and has gotten to the point where it is nagging at me the second my mind starts to wander to blogging.

Remember, last Thursday I took The Boy One to Applebees for his school fundraiser... and proceeded to add quesadillas and a margarita to my planned meal. I think that meal is where this thing began nagging at me. Since then, I've seen or heard several people in blogs, on FB or in text messages practically begging for forgiveness for little indulgences such as candy, chips, ice cream, an extra dollup of sour cream, etc. That night, as I was eating, I texted Melissa and told her I was committing "foodicide." Her response is something that I want to repeat to every person I hear or see admonishing themselves.

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT!!!!!

She didn't shout it like that, but those were her exact words to me... and they are my words to you should you happen to have a few M&Ms, a little bag of chips, an extra piece of bread, a scoop of ice cream or whatever.

By now you probably know that my philosophy is to live a healthy lifestyle & lose weight in terms that I can sustain for the long haul... meaning its not going to be perfect from a nutritional standpoint and its not going to be so strict that I snap one day... meaning its going to have highs and lows... means its going to adjust within reason for the other areas of my life. This is why when I do a gym challenge, I increase my calorie intake so that I don't lose weight too rapidly... because I know that while I may push myself beyond my normal levels to finish a challenge its not something I can do day in/day out for the rest of my life.

When it comes to food, the same rules apply for me. I eat mostly nutritious, healthy things. I feed these same foods to my family. I know what is and isn't beneficial for my body. I also know that some things which are definitely not beneficial happen to be mighty tasty. I know that, for me, it is unreasonable to expect that I will never again eat a donut, fried cheese stick, croissant, etc. For most of us, we have spent a good portion of our lives eating foods that were not good for us, but we surely enjoyed the taste... and its probably not likely that we will never have them again. And being perfectly honest, there are certain foods that I feel are worth every minute I have to spend in the gym to compensate for them!

Instead of beating ourselves up over "giving in" to temptation or having a "slip up" by eating that ice cream cone, we can turn it into a positive and say something like "I choose to incorporate foods I truly enjoy into my plans." Or something like, "I can choose to eat anything I want... if I plan for it and if it is worth it to me use the calories that way."

I know there are people out there that have problems with binging and I recognize that a simple bite can lead to an all out binge for you... and for you I know its often better if you just stay totally away from certain foods. This I understand... and I commend you for having the mental fortitude to avoid foods that are triggers for you.

For the rest of us, though, I say....

Let's all STOP beating ourselves up over the occasional treat & remember that living a healthy lifestyle does NOT mean we have to be perfect with every morsel that passes our lips.

And even if you totally fall off the train for a day, remember this... its not what we do once in a while that is going to make or break us in our efforts; its what we do consistently - day after day - that will determine our success.

Plan for success!

Realizations of the First Week

2010-06-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today marks the end of week one of my "Deployment Challenge." The week has had some frustrating moments, but has been mostly positive. Over the course of the week, I have come to some realizations...

You should NEVER eat something without knowing the nutritional (or lack there of) values in advance... unless you're prepared for the consequences. Remember the chicken quesadillas? Okay so maybe not a new realization, but one that I still need to be reminded of from time to time.

I can have Sunny D in the fridge without inhaling it! Generally speaking, I don't care for artificially flavored fruity "juices" but I LOVE the tangy kind of Sunny D. This bottle has been in my fridge all week and I've yet to have a glass. I actually bought it so I could mix it with some Malibu for a tasty adult beverage... and The Boy One has been so sweet as to save the last little bit for me. Since I've yet to have a day where I wanted to use those calories that way in the evening its still sitting there. I should probably just tell him to finish it off, lol.

I do not have enough time to do it all. There are only so many hours in the day. Between babysitting, taking care of The Boy One, my job, the house, the stuff my Mom needs me to do for her and trying to take care of me... my days are FULL.

Number 3 brings about this realization... I cannot commit enough time to the gym to burn 6,000-9,000 calories a week doing cardio. Not right now; not with this job and the stuff going on with The Boy One right now. I just can't... I have to put him first.
Sometimes - say when you're traveling with someone else - you may not have the choice about where you eat. But you can still choose what you eat. Case in point, the BFF actually decided to go to the bead store with me today (she drove) and stopped off at a KFC/Taco Bell to grab lunch. It sucked, but we truly didn't have time to run to a grocery store if we were going to make it home before The Boy One got off the bus and we were STARVING.

So... one week in I'm going to modify for myself just a bit... and just until my job ends for the first one... which is supposed to be the 18th (I think).

Modification #1: Instead of burring 6,000-9,000 calories weekly through cardio activity, I will commit to doing some form of exercise every day that raises my heart rate for at least 30 minutes. This may end up being a video or something strenuous on the Wii... but it will be something EVERY DAY.

NO EXCUSES!!!

Modification #2: In the event that I am put in a situation where the dining location is out of my control, I will make a food choice that is equal to the calories I would have eaten at home... or I will order a fruit cup and wait til I get home to eat more.

I'll share my official results from week one - tomorrow - after I face the scale and can give a complete report, lol. I haven't peeked at the scale all week... so I'm a little anxious to see what it says.

The weatherman says we're gonna get some sun & warm weather tomorrow - that's a sure sign of a good day ahead, right? :)

Okay So I'm Not Alone :)

2010-06-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

The last thing I did before I went to bed Saturday was write my last post... well that and shed a few more tears before I finally crawled into bed. When I woke up this morning, I was so touched by all of the encouraging comments... so I want to take a minute to respond to each of them.

Chris- I really appreciate that you know what military life is like & can relate. Communication is really a big obstacle for us - its one of his biggest deficits... but I do the best I can with it. And without God & my Bible, I don't think I could do any of it...

Girl Bandit- Thanks for thinking I'm strong. I don't feel so strong, but maybe if I hear it enough I'll start to believe it.

Sandy Lee- It totally helps to know you're all out there... more than you realize. :)

Jen- I agree - its so much harder to have close friends as adults. I've tried talking to her, she thinks she's balancing things well so I don't know what is left for me to do but accept what little time she has to share & try to heal the hurt. Thanks for being there. :)

Drazil- Send that # on Mama Pimp... but I promise not to wake you up in the middle of the night (I think, lol). Don't worry I won't eat my hand off... I need it to shovel the food in, lol. Love you

Jamie- He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was five. We are in the process of having him re-evaluated at Children's right now. I try really hard to use that type of approach with him, but its VERY difficult to get him to express his feelings. Its extremely frustrating; at the same time I know there are parents out there that have children with much greater disabilities, so I try to be thankful.

Seth- Thanks for your prayers. :)

You don't know how thankful I am for all of you. I truly don't feel so alone when I see all of your wonderful comments. It especially means a lot when they come on a weekend... I know how busy weekends are for people.

Oh, at 3:30am I got awakened by a phone call from The Husband. I'm so glad he called, but sadly I was so tired that I barely remember the conversation. I do remember that he has arrived safely at his new little part of the sandbox and has to sleep in a tent with ten guys. Can you imagine the "gas" in that tent???? LOL

After the rough end to Saturday, I decided to just chill for our Sunday. No running around, no work, nothing. I even had the guy I turn my work papers in to come pick them up from me (he was really nice and actually offered to do it when I explained what's been going on). The boy one woke up cheerful & apologetic for making me cry (I guess he heard me after I left his room).

Food was okay for me today (I still need to update my food page badly, but its all written elsewhere so its not lost), except I had way too much sugar. Can we say cookies & Mug root beer? But I'm still in my calorie range despite them.

I'll leave you with a few pictures from yesterday's outing. We went to Port Townsend, which is a 30 minute ferry ride away. Its a great little town with all sorts of unique little shops, including one of my favorite bead stores & a fabulous underground restaurant. The nice part is we walk on the ferry & then all around the main street of the town... so its built in exercise and The Boy One loves it there. Living so far from the city, its nice to have a little outing close to home & that doesn't cost us a fortune to enjoy.

One of my favorite things on earth is a view of nothing but ocean & sky... this comes pretty close.

There were a ton of sailboats on the water as we approached the ferry landing on the other side of the water.

The Boy One and I waiting for the return ferry. This was about two seconds before he gave me a huge sloppy joe (aka licked the side of my face).

Our trip home was slowed somewhat when we had to wait for this big cruise liner to pass in front of us. Pretty sure we somehow ended up on the wrong boat and that's the one we were supposed to be on, lol.

Seriously this got me to thinking a cruise might be fun. Have you been on a cruise? Would you do it again?

Good day, Tough Night

2010-06-06T00:11:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a good day... The weather was fantastic. I worked. I took The Boy One across the water for an afternoon of exploring, shopping and good food. Then it all fell apart...

Around 10:00pm, I went in to suggest that The Boy One turn his game off and settle down for sleep... he'd had his pill around 8:00, so I figured he'd probably be getting sleepy. He turned the game off and practically threw it at me... telling me to "keep it for a month" because he'd been a "bad boy." This had me totally dumbfounded because his behavior was EXCELLENT on our whole outing. Other than some extra bouncing around when he got excited, there were no behavior issues & I don't even consider that a behavior issue... just an excited twelve year old jumping around like a nine year old. When I told him that he was a GREAT boy all day & asked why he thought he had been bad, he got violently upset. Not as bad as some times in the past... but kicking me and thrashing about. He fell asleep in this tense, angry mood... which is typically not him at all. All I can do is cry...

And I'm alone...

Drazil wrote about how she would be ALONE if she lost her husband and Jenny. I am very much like her in this... pretty much I have The Husband and my BFF. Yes I have other friends... but no one else nearly that close, no one that I could call without looking at the clock first. In all seriousness, there have been periods where I think I literally would have died without them. And now... The Husband has deployed... The BFF is so wrapped up with her new boyfriend that she isn't really "there" like she used to be. So in essence...

I AM ALONE!

Granted its not a permanent alone... The Husband will come home in six months... the BFF might figure out how to have a man she actually wants to spend time with and a BFF too... but for now when I'm in a ball of tears there is no one. So here I am, writing, and glad that all of you care enough to read my ramblings... it helps me feel a little less alone.

And to keep from being a total downer here...

Despite all of the emotional drama right now, I have NO desire to put food or beverage in my mouth. No emotional eating here.

I walked A LOT today... including up and down LOTS of stairs.

And, I have some really awesome pictures from our outing that I'll get posted soon . :)

Good luck to everyone doing Race for the Cure!

Thursday's Trials...

2010-06-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'm playing catch up again. This is my Thursday night post, coming along on Friday morning. Oh well...

Thursdays are therapy days for my son, so I always pick him up from school early to go to the appointments. Yesterday, his teacher asked if I could arrive a little early for a meeting. Meetings are never good at school right? Surprisingly, this one actually was... right up until the end. He's doing well for her & the best news of the meeting, she is going to come back for one more year specifically to work with him. Now the not good part - she told me that she has seen a "difference" in him since I started working. I asked what she meant, because I've noticed more of the "characteristics of an autistic child" in the last few weeks (but I didn't say that to her). She paused and said "I don't know how to put it, but he seems more autistic" and went on to describe the same behaviors I've seen an increase in at home. To me it just reaffirmed that I've made the right decision in staying home with him all of these years. But, what to do about the current job - I do plan to finish it out, since its only supposed to be another three weeks - but for the life of me I couldn't force myself to leave him home and go work last night.

In the spirit of watching grass grow and digging ditches I have a short story. Driving home from therapy yesterday I noticed this bird flying rather oddly - diving down like it wanted to land and then springing back up - repeatedly as we were approaching. Watching the bird - more than the road - I saw the cause of its dilemma. There was a huge bald eagle perched on top of a house... I suspect the bird feared for its life, lol. We see eagles here almost daily, but I think that's the first one I recall perched on a roof like that. Anyway...

The boy one's school partnered with Applebee's for a fundraiser last night. I promised we'd go, picked out my meal online before we went...

The Asiago Peppercorn Steak from their "Under 550" menu is actually 390 calories. Its really flavorful and just the right size meal. With this meal, I would be using one of my restaurant opportunities for the week, but would stay within my calorie range for a "typical" day.

Then this happened...

The boy one wanted quesadillas (dang the waitress for mentioning them)... so naturally I ate half the order. Holy crap... do you know these things have 90 grams of fat in a whole order??? Seriously? They look so puny & its chicken!!!

And if that wasn't bad enough, part way through the meal the best bartender on the planet arrived at work. Honestly, this girl makes the BEST margaritas I've ever had (and yes I've had plenty of them in plenty of different places). I swear I would kidnap her and make her live in my kitchen if she didn't have a baby at home that would miss her. Okay, not really, but I would so pay to have her as a personal bartender. So with her arrival I had to add this to my meal...

Really I HAD to! Her schedule almost never coincides with when we eat there anymore so I hadn't had one of her drinks in a LONG time.

All told, my dinner was over 1400 calories - a whole days worth of calories!!!

On the exercise front, my mystery pain has mostly subsided. I was able to do core & strength training yesterday. Yay!

Today I must squeeze yesterday's missed work in with today's... not to mention three bracelets that must get finished today and babysitting... I'd better get my tush moving, lol. Have a great Friday everyone!

Deployment Challenge Quickie #1

2010-06-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

So far I have one person - Debbie - who says she's doin this bout of craziness with me, two people that may start late (I HOPE THEY DO) and it sounds like one person that will do the monthly bike marathon with me.

Exercise hasn't happened for me yet. :(
My plan was to start yesterday, but then mystery pain hit & changed my plans. About the Vicodin, I took the prescribed dose for my chest wall pain (this felt similar, though more widespread) and that was prescribed for my current weight +/- 5 lbs... so I really don't know what the deal was with it making me feel icky.

Day 1 Calories: 1,499
Day 2 Calories: 1,190

So far so good on the food. Tonight is a planned dinner out... so we'll see how that goes.

I'll be back with a "real" post later. Hope everyone is having a great day so far. :)

Rewards, Setbacks & Baseball

2010-06-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I had my post 95% written when the news had "breaking news" that totally blew my thought process. Ken Griffey Jr. - my favorite baseball player ever - announced his retirement. I am in mourning!

Yes I know its silly. And yes, I definitely knew the day was coming... but still its sad to see one of the last true professionals in the game call it quits. I don't think I'm exaggerating to say that I was probably one of the happiest people in the area when he returned to Seattle. Seriously, I pre-ordered tickets to last year's home opener - which was an amazing experience - and immediately bought tickets to the final game of last season (anticipating that he would likely retire then). We totally intended to go to a game before The Husband left on deployment, but the Navy schedule didn't let that happen. Have to admit, I'm feeling a bit bitter toward the schedule that kept us from going at the moment... grrrr. Its time to dry my eyes and have my finger on the trigger for when they announce the date of the retirement ceremony at the stadium... cuz you can bet your last dollar I will be there.

Okay now, for my original post...

Do you ever feel like planning is the surest way to have something unexpected happen? I swear just about every time I have a concrete plan something interferes - and typically something major enough I have to alter my plans. Today is a classic example. My plan was to hit the gym this morning, deal with the furniture delivery/babysit in the afternoon and work for a few hours in the evening.

That pretty much all went out the window at 3:30am when I woke up with mystery pain. First the pain was just in the shoulder blade of my previously injured shoulder. By the time I got up with the boy one the pain had spread down my rib cage and the outside of my right "girl" was screaming... not to mention it hurt really bad to take a deep breath. I downed a couple Vicodin with breakfast - hoping that would knock the pain and that by evening I'd be okay to work & get in a condensed workout at least. Apparently, I didn't eat enough food with it because I ended up feeling soooooo sick - like I could hurl or pass out at any given moment. Or maybe it affects me differently with 50 pounds gone from my body... whatever it was not a pleasant experience. I'm feeling better, but think its probably best to take it easy for the evening... so that's what I'm gonna do.

Today has been a bit of a setback - between the pain keeping me out of the gym & just feeling generally icky for so much of the day. Tomorrow is a new day... hopefully a pain free one.

As promised, here's what I plan to do for my rewards for the Deployment Challenge. I'm going to build myself a charm bracelet - either Pandora or Chamilia. Something like this...

Each month will offer me the chance to earn three charms/beads: One for meeting the food goals, one for meeting the exercise goals and one for posting a loss for the month. I like this idea because I can totally customize it to fit my tastes and budget. Its something I will enjoy creating & having, but not something I would ever consider spending the money on just for kicks.

Debbie - I tried to email you about joining me in this... but it said your info was all private, so please email me. :)

I tried a new chicken recipe for dinner tonight. Time to go see how it came out...

The Deployment Challenge

2010-06-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

The Navy - and I assume the military in general - is full of acronyms, abbreviations, designations, etc. CS, AT, AE, MA, AD... and a ton more that all mean something to someone. Some are pretty easy to figure out, others a bit more of a challenge. I think sometimes that's how people feel about the process of losing weight and/or living a healthy lifestyle. Some things are easy to figure out... like calories in vs. calories out. Other things are more challenging... like weighing the nutritional benefits of one food vs. another or the benefits of one form of exercise vs. another.

For my Deployment Challenge, I'm borrowing FE, or flight engineer. FEs have the important job of operating engines and and aircraft systems - including troubleshooting and fixes - all while the aircraft is in flight. People that choose this job go through extensive training - 9 months of school, plus other requirements. This isn't my husband's job (we looked at the program, but being an FE generally wreaks havoc on family life because they live by the flight schedule).

The way I see it we are all the "flight engineers" of our own journeys - whether its to lose weight, get healthy or continue maintaining a healthy lifestyle. We "operate" the engine and systems that are our body - by the food we feed ourselves, the exercise we choose to do, and whatever we choose to do to nourish our souls or maintain good mental health. As we go about our lives, we troubleshoot to see what's working and what isn't... and we come up with "fixes" to tweak aspects that aren't giving us the results we are seeking... much like the flight engineer must do to keep the plane flying safely in the skies.

By the way, my "starting" weight for the Deployment Challenge is 198.6 lbs. UGH!!!

Now for the Challenge Details...

Some of these may change a little bit month to month... as I "troubleshoot" and tweak.

** Challenge is for six months (June-November) - but broken into one month segments. **

FOOD

Eat 1,300-1,500 calories per day/six days per week

Plan meals and/or keep food journal (I'll be adding a separate page to my blog with my planned meals/food journals)

Enjoy restaurant food two times per week (maximum)

EXERCISE

Burn 6,000-9,000 calories per week through cardio activities

Do a strength training workout 3x/week

Do a core workout 4x/week

Because I like to push myself at the gym, I will be incorporating the following things into my workout schedule:

A monthly marathon on the bike - to take place the last day of each month June-November with the goal of decreasing my time each month

Increasing my duration on the StairMaster - basically hop and and go for as long as I can - to take place at the middle of each month June-November (500 floors in a single session is my ultimate goal for this)

Start the C25K program - I'd like to build up to doing a 10K before the end of deployment

Because every good FE deserves a little dose of R&R, I will be scheduling myself 30-60 minutes of "me" time every day that has nothing to do with the topic of a healthy lifestyle.

There ya have the nuts & bolts of the challenge. If you're interested in joining me for one month - or six - please leave a comment to let me know. I'll be doing a quick daily progress post for this in addition to my regular posts... so that can be our check-in spot.

And my positive - keep me going - motto is...

Believe in yourself, as if the possibility of failure does not exist.

Next post... my planned rewards. Now who is gonna join me???

I Wanna Run!!!!

2010-05-31T23:27:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, I have no intention of changing what I write about or how I write it. You all cracked me up with suggestions of writing about grass & ditch digging, lol. I didn't have time to watch grass or dig any ditches today, but I saw an amazing sunset and beautiful rainbow on the way home tonight. :)

The highlight of today was my first ever trip to an actual "running store" for running shoes. If you're remotely in the local area Fairhaven Runners and Walkers in Bellingham is sooooo the place to go. They were super knowledgeable & the prices were pretty reasonable. Not only that, it was sort of a pampering experience... they do pretty much everything for you. Totally glad that I went there instead of trying to find something at a store where the employees know nothing about the products they're selling or how they relate to the feet you're putting the shoes on.

Now why did I buy running shoes?

Because I want to RUN!!!! Seriously, I can't believe I'm even saying that. I have NEVER been a runner. Remember I'm the girl that begged and pleaded her way out of physical education from the 7th grade on. Maybe I'm inspired by all of the people I've read about doing 5Ks lately. Maybe I just need a new challenge, something that will really push myself. Maybe its the awesome new trail that they just finished by our house. Whatever the reason, I can't wait to get out there. I just hope my body will hold up for me... remember back problems, knee problems, the nearly broken ankle...

Food was a nightmare today. Well, breakfast was good... but after that it all went downhill. And the really bad thing, I made a conscious choice to eat the foods I ate. Large lunch/dinner at the Olive Garden... followed by Cold Stone Creamery. I thoroughly enjoyed every bite. Won't be doing anything like that again for a long time. Enough said.

June 1st... the official kick off date for my personal "Deployment Challenge." I'm really excited to get it started. I've figured out the details, the rewards (mostly), a cool little motto... now if I could just come up with a nice little graphic or button. I'll be sharing all of the details in my next post. And just a heads up... if you're interested in participating in my latest round of craziness I would LOVE to have you join me for the ride. :)

I'm off to watch some grass grow or something... lol

How It All Fits...

2010-05-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

Okay friends, I got an email yesterday questioning why I talk about so many things completely unrelated to weight loss/healthy lifestyle on my blog when that's what its supposed to be about. Here's the answer:

In my opinion (take it as you will), everything in our lives contributes to the struggles we face when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle and/or losing weight. Stress caused by jobs, spouses, children, friends, finances - whatever - it contributes... so its relevant. And my adventures in shopping, jewelry making, gardening - to name a few - those are things that distract me from obsessing over food/fitness... so they too are relevant.

Saturday, I might as well confess now turned into a bit of a "shopping frenzy."

I got up bright & early to go order my furniture.... and ended up purchasing something else entirely. They were having a super good sale & I was able to get a sofa, chair and ottoman for the price of just the sofa from the other set. One more chair and the seating area for the room will be complete. Everything gets delivered Wednesday & I'm super excited.

Next stop, the jewelry counter... where yes, I cancelled the layaway. When she pulled them out for me to look at (to be sure), I knew I was doing the right thing. It will mean so much more to get them when I'm finally where I wanna be.

I used part of the money they refunded to get this little beauty...

Do you get the idea I love all things Coach by now? LOL. Seriously though, I chose this little beauty for a few reasons. First, I've been wishing for a pink watch for awhile now (though it seemed frivolous to spend the money for something that would only go with a handful of outfits). Second, it is bangle style & prior to losing 50 pounds it NEVER would have fit on my wrist (even with the extender piece). Reason number three, it has silver hearts... which will serve as a reminder to love myself enough every day to make good choices for my body. The last key factor was the price - we know I love a good bargain. The suggested retail on it was right around $400 & after all of their good discounts for the holiday weekend, I got it for $150! There are a few advantages to being able to shop on base. :)

Before I was done for the day, I had also purchased one Vitamix blender, one Kitchenaid Chef's Chopper (which will fill in til I replace my food processor) and a new DS game for the boy one. The chopper was a display model that they replaced for a non-dusty one (and sold the "old" one at way less than half price). Well, the blender is on layaway & he used his birthday money for most of the game... but still it was a BIG shopping day.

Food victories of the weekend - I resisted Krispy Kreme donuts that were being sold outside of Walmart as a fundraiser & I made it through the snack aisle of the commissary without caving in. Oh, and my friend DiAnne made these scrumptious peanut butter cookies last night...

3 1/2 dozen of them! I admit I ate four of them last night and have had my share today. But, I also took a dozen to the people at the furniture store & there are still at least another dozen left... so I'm not literally inhaling them. I swear to you these are the best peanut butter cookies on the planet... the fact that there are any left at all is a miracle.

Here is my big dinner treat tonight... and its actually healthy, lol.

Copper River Salmon.... YUMMY! At $20/lb I just got a small piece... but it was like heaven & I savored every morsel.

Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday weekend... and please take a minute (or more) to remember the meaning of Memorial Day...

Tough Choices

2010-05-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

Remember my beautiful diamond studs that are on layaway? I've officially come to the decision that I am going to cancel the layaway & hold off on getting them for now... unless of course I change my mind before I actually get the deed done. Here's the thing, The Husband agreed that I could get them as a reward for getting to a goal weight. Then he let me put them on layaway when he figured I was close enough that I'd be there by the time they were paid for. But things haven't gone that way at all now have they? Here I am still at least 40 pounds from where I want to be and the earrings are due to be picked up in about two weeks. Yes, I like them a lot. Yes, I want them badly. Yes, I have come a long ways (and he's even said I deserve them). Yes, they were a good deal at $600. But the bottom line is I don't feel like I've done the work to deserve them just yet & it would be a total waste of that $600 if I got them and they just sat on the dresser for months til I get to a goal weight. Or worse, if I gave in and wore them before the goal was met and felt like I didn't deserve to wear them. I wouldn't enjoy them that way. I figure I can put another pair on layaway when I'm at (within maybe 10 pounds) of a goal weight. And until then the money can be spent on something more "responsible" like... maybe the new furniture we need.

I went furniture browsing today. The day before payday, so that there was no temptation to impulse purchase. I found this set that that I'm more or less in love with... its the only thing that really caught my eye in the whole freakin store.

There is an accent chair that goes with it... which is what really drew me in. This is what happens to me, I set out fulling intent on being happy to get a sofa & add chairs later... but I fall for a whole freakin set. I could get just the sofa & chair with ottoman or the sofa & love seat... but I can't decide... the set is so attractive together. The good news is that I checked in at the store on base & they can order all of the pieces for me at a savings of about $600 (plus no sales tax & free delivery). Plus, I only have to pay 25% down & the rest when they get it in... which is nice because I can avoid using credit for it that way. The bad news is that it will take them several weeks to get it.

Since I'm going to cancel the layaway, I might replace something I lost last spring. It was this simple silver heart necklace that was inscribed with "The Journey Begins." I wore it every day as a reminder that every day was a new chance to make healthy choices for my body. The heart shape was to remind me to love myself & know that I was worth the effort. The day I lost it we had been to probably a dozen yard sales... I tried to retrace my steps with no luck at all. Its just a thought... not sure yet.

Finishing touches are going on my Deployment Challenge tonight... should be ready to share this weekend... when I suppose everyone will be off doing holiday things, lol. Maybe I'll wait and post about it on Tuesday morning...

Can you tell choices are not my strong suit today? lol

Okay I had to come back and add...

I just noticed I have 100 followers!!! Wow, I can't believe so many people read my dribble, lol. The Husband would be shocked! Thanks for following my "drama." :)

This n That

2010-05-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

This is going to be one of those posts with a little bit of everything in it... which pretty much reflects where I'm at right now. My mind is going a thousand different directions, its like I've developed adult onset ADD or something, lol.

First things first, thank you for all of the heartfelt comments on my last post. Deployment is nothing new for us, but its sure nice to have supportive friends out there. He finally called tonight to let me know he got to his final destination. And if there's any concern over him being well fed, rest easy... he had lobster for dinner last night (but was bummed that they ran out of steak before he got there).

Next, I finally picked something for my special thing with the "play" money from my first paycheck...

Peridot earrings set in 14K white gold. They were an awesome deal at a local jewelry store that is going out of business & definitely something I wouldn't normally go out and buy for myself.

My only other burst of retail therapy for the day was the purchase of these little 2oz containers...

They are going to be so perfect for pre-portioning things like peanut butter, almond butter, dressings, hummus, slivered almonds, etc. I found them at the restaurant supply store. I can't remember who suggested looking for something like that there, but if you remember making the suggestion you have my thanks! :)

A brief synopsis of the conversation I had with my Mom yesterday. It was her bday, so I went to take her to dinner. In the car I mentioned my travel plans for the coming months. She thinks its TERRIBLE that I'm going to go to Chicago to meet a bunch of people from the "evil Internet." Seriously, you'd think I'd said I was going to be the star attraction at a strip club by the way she reacted.

The Deployment Challenge is under construction... I'm planning to kick it off on Tuesday... so I'm taking my time with the decisions for now. So far, I know that it will involve marathons on the bike, 5 & 10Ks on the treadmill (and maybe outside), and some insanity on the StairMaster for sure. I'm working on the strength training & core parts now. Also, the food part is under construction. Some aspects will carry throughout the whole period and others will change month to month just because six months is a long time and I need variety. I also have to consider rewards because I think its pretty clear by now that I'm motivated by prizes, lol.

As I'm preparing my meal plans & grocery list, I find myself wondering... are there any great, new products out there that I should try? If you've found something particularly yummy lately, please let me know.

My other big plan for the weekend is to find some new furniture for the house. What are your plans for the long weekend?

Let the Faux Single Parenting Begin... Again

2010-05-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

The Husband is somewhere between here and the big sandbox now... he called from their first stop over a few hours ago to report that he'd chosen chicken over beef & had slept for several hours. Lucky him!

We figured out last night that this is the eighth deployment in the 15 years we've been married and the sixth since the boy one was born. We usually try to get everything ready early so we can relax and create fun memories in the last few days of the home cycle. Most of our plans for fun times together went out the window in the last couple of days. We got notice for a housing inspection to be completed today. The Husband very sweetly spent most of the last couple days helping me put the house in order. Normally its pretty tidy, but honestly with him getting ready to leave the last thing I was worried about was if the laundry was put away or the surfaces dusted. We tried to get them to reschedule due to the fact that he was deploying today & I have confidential files here for my temp job (so they couldn't have full access to the house unless I were home to monitor). The lady we dealt with was anything but helpful and insisted they could not change the inspection date/time for any reason. She pretty much told that I had to choose between saying goodbye to my husband as he was leaving for deployment or protecting the confidentiality of those work files. That the company the military has partnered with to manage their housing would force me to make such a choice is something I find nothing short of deplorable. But, the lady that actually showed up to do the inspection was really nice... and the inspection went well... but still to have to deal with that stress on top of everything else was exhausting and frustrating beyond belief.

After that fun, the rest of the day was spent with "normal" stuff... my work meeting, babysitting & the boy ones speech therapy appointment. I collapsed for an hour long nap (after only two hours sleep last night I needed it badly) and am feeling somewhat refreshed now. I don't think the reality of the day has hit me yet because I was so busy & at this point its still kind of like he's just having a long day at work... which is so typical that its the norm.

I'm still thinking about Melissa's idea of a "deployment challenge" and how I can incorporate that with my 1750 miles by Chicago thing. Hopefully, I'll have something to post about that in the next day or two.

In the meantime, here are a couple of "deployment day" photos... the first one is from last deployment, June 2008....

My weight was 241 lbs. in this photo...

And deployment day... May 2010

Weight in this photo 198.4 lbs... which is ugh... but probably not totally accurate in comparison to my last weigh in because I had to hit the scale way earlier in the morning than I'm normally out of bed even.

Today was pretty much like a transition day between home cycle & deployment... food and exercise were the least of my worries. However, I did make sure I have something healthy in the house for breakfast and lunch tomorrow.

So... my plan for the rest of the night and tomorrow is to really focus on planning my meals & time so that I get back to my gym regimen. One might think that after seven of these lovely experiences I'd have time management down to a science... One might think after five times with the boy one I'd have the single parenting system down... but yeah, not so much.

The Husband asked me what my goals are for while he's gone... I told him to maintain my sanity, lol. Naturally, I told him about stuff I want to get done in the house & my travel plans... but what I left out is my ultimate goal...

To reach a "goal weight."

I still don't feel totally comfortable trying to pinpoint an exact number for that because I haven't been anything smaller than 180 since my freshman year in high school. I also have a hard time with it because I focus so much on doing the basics of living a healthy lifestyle & and not so much on the number on the scale. But, maybe I need to be more number driven... or at least have a range to work with...

So here it is...

My ultimate goal is to be 150-160 pounds by the time he comes home from deployment!

There I said it, its done, no backing down now!!!

Btw, I have an award to pass along... will work on that tomorrow too. :)

Weekend Rollercoaster

2010-05-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend seems to have had it all...

Quiet relaxation.

Hysterical laughter.

Tears of sadness.

Tense arguments filled with hurtful words.

Goofy chats.

Productive discussions.

Saturday was mostly about fun... we went to some yard sales & had friends over for dinner. We found new chair cushions for the patio furniture & I got a new plant for the backyard; so looking forward to sitting out there and enjoying the view this summer. I skipped out on working, thank goodness for the ultra flexible schedule right now.

Sunday was a day of productivity. I actually convinced The Husband to do some last minute things that I needed (or thought I needed) his help with... pictures hung, desk moved from the garage to the office, large bags of potting soil hauled to the backyard, etc. We went to the furniture store on base to look at living room stuff... just so I have an idea of what he likes when I go shopping for it (which had better be soon considering we've been using "lovely" folding chairs for living room furniture since the beginning of the month, lol). They are supposed to be having a big sale over Memorial Day... so hopefully I can find something good. I even managed to work for a couple hours in the evening... aren't ya proud of me? lol

Food and exercise still seem to elude me... but I'm okay with it being that way til he leaves. My body did a workout of sorts today... between moving furniture & working on the yard... so I guess that counts for something, right? I love Chris' idea of a "Deployment Challenge" and have been brainstorming on it all day.

My two favorite things about the weekend...

This dress... a size 12!!!!!

I picked it up at Ross a couple of months ago... it was a little clingy (aka tight)... but now it fits perfect. Also, I'm discovering a really odd reality... I'm beginning to like pictures of myself... this is totally foreign to me. I have always HATED to have my picture taken.

My second favorite thing about the weekend... I got The Husband an early Father's Day gift. Not just a gift... but a one of a kind, artist's original drawing of the aircraft he has spent his whole Navy career working on. Better still, this drawing depicts an aircraft of the actual squadron he is attached to right now (and has spent well over half of his career with). The artist was at the festival we went to at the end of last month, and had the drawing displayed there, but we couldn't afford it then. Not that we could really afford it now with all of the other expenses leading to deployment, but I called the artist when I got my paycheck on Wednesday and made arrangements to purchase it anyway. Its just one of those things that I felt like he was meant to have... I don't know how to explain it. He complained a little about me spending the money on it, but I could tell he was really pleased because I kept catching him staring at it. Needless to say, its one of the pictures he hung up today.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

The Last Weekend...

2010-05-23T00:44:00.000-07:00

Its the last weekend before deployment... and I have to say I've never felt quite this way going into a deployment.

Yes, I'm sad that he's leaving... a bit, but not like you might expect... though I'm sure it will hit me hard when the day really arrives. That's how it was last time anyway.

Yes, I'm stressed over all the last minute details... but I know it will all work itself out (it always does).

Yes, I feel a tad overwhelmed knowing that EVERYTHING is going to fall on my shoulders from now til December... but let's face it... that's pretty much how its been this whole home cycle anyway.

And this is where it gets weird (and where I find myself struggling with guilty feelings)...

There is a part of me that is genuinely looking forward to the freedom of being on my own. NOT so I can run wild... lol. But, so I can get back to the business of taking care of myself.

The bulk of the weight I've lost was when he was deployed the last time; it was so much easier being on my own. I could plan the meals I wanted (thankfully my son is really easy going in the meal department). I could schedule workout time without interruption. I could grocery shop without having a ton of extras tossed in the cart when I wasn't looking. Staying out of restaurants was so much easier. In short, I was able to focus on me without the distraction of trying to please The Husband. Ugh, now I feel sufficiently guilty all over again.

While I've been able to lose small amounts in the 18 months he's been home, its really been mainly an exercise in maintenance. I'm down roughly 10 pounds from when he came home from the last deployment. This gives me hope that if I can just get to a "goal" weight while he's gone, I'll have success in maintaining it after he gets back.

I feel like I've been doing only half the job - in terms of taking care of myself - for the last year or so. I can't wait to kick it back into high gear... which is where I find myself looking forward to time on my own... and where I start to feel incredibly guilty for the little part of me that is glad he will be leaving.

Stay tuned for my newly revised action plan... coming soon! I sooooo need a serious kick in the tush!!!!

Its All Over...

2010-05-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Kids group at Church that is... and only til the Fall... but for this year its over. Wednesday night was the awards for the year... which got me to thinking about last year's awards night.

Throughout the year, I put in my weekly appearance and did my stuff with the kids... but there were a lot of parents and other people that I didn't really see on a weekly basis. So awards night rolled around and I got up on stage to help hand out awards like I do most every year. The most amazing thing happened afterwards... person after person came up to me and commented on how good I looked and/or asked how much weight I'd lost! It was the first time I was really aware that the change was noticeable. I went home that night feeling a little like the "belle of the ball." It was such an amazing feeling to have so many people recognize the change!

Initially, I believed that night gave me great motivation to continue toward my goal. After spending the last year fairly stagnant... flirting with the same five pound range and still 40-50 pounds from goal... I wonder if maybe what that night really gave me was a false sense of achievement. Maybe its just total coincidence that I've been more or less maintaining since that night... but the timing is ironic to say the least.

I knew this year wouldn't provide that kind of experience because - well - there hasn't been much change in the last 12 months. But for the first time in the 14 years I've been doing kids group, I had almost ZERO anxiousness over walking up to the stage! For the first time in several years, I even - willingly - took the microphone and spoke for a brief moment.

A few weeks ago, one of the girls was telling me that I needed a hair cut - duh, my last hair cut was in November 2008 - so I obliged her (even took her advice on the cut) and made a quick trip to a new salon in town yesterday, resulting in this....

Can I just say that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it when I get my hair flat ironed!!! Its hard to explain, but it gives me such a feeling of confidence and sleekness... almost like when you put on a pair of jeans that makes you look 10 pounds lighter. When I look in the mirror - with my hair straight - I feel like a totally different person.

As expected, I got tons of compliments on my hair... not so much otherwise... which is fine (its what I was anticipating)... but ya know what... it truly gives me a new sense of motivation... because I want that "belle of the ball" feeling again!

Something Long Overdue

2010-05-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

If you've been reading for awhile you might remember my post about the "outfit in the window". Two long months after purchasing it, I finally have the picture that some of you insisted I must share. Pretty sure this is the first pic I've posted since I changed my hair color & I know its the first pic since Around the World ended. Please ignore the pasty white legs, lol.

I actually wore it on Mother's Day/my son's birthday... but finally got the picture uploaded tonight.

Why did I wait so long to wear the outfit? Well first I had to find the shoes... which actually was easy (they were already "hiding" in my closet). Then, I had to wait for warm enough weather... which turned out to be a long wait here in western Washington. Particularly here on the island, where even when its sunny the wind still tends to blow.

The debate over what to do with my "fun" money from my first paycheck is still ongoing. I actually ended up using the money to buy stuff for kids group... so I'm waiting to be reimbursed before I can use the money for myself. I'm torn between a spa treatment at this hotel I've been dying to go to for years or something like the spendy sunglasses I've been eyeing (but don't really want to spend The Husband's money on)... decisions I tell ya... but considering my Mother's Day experience, I'm tempted to do both, lol.

Ohhhh.... look what I finally got....

My reward to myself for finishing Around the World!!! They finally got another one in stock. Its actually sitting on layaway - just til we're sure The Husband has everything he needs for deployment - along with a little swing pack that matches it. :)

********************************************************************************

Day one of food/activity journaling went okay... Food wasn't the best; but I wrote it all down & I talked myself out of hitting the Starbucks drive-thru when I was in town. Activity was non-existent. I had planned to go for a long walk in the evening... but we got news of a serious financial setback and I ended up in a ball of tears instead. Sigh.

Wait... can crying count as physical activity? Probably not, but I'm tellin ya my abs are screaming at me after all the tears, lol.

Pizza or Hot Dogs???

2010-05-17T00:25:00.000-07:00

When I found myself walking into my son's room at lunch time and asking this question - pizza or hot dogs??? - I knew for certain there was a serious problem. This is me who makes the deliberate choice to NOT bring foods such as these into the house. Yet here I was - after a trip to the commissary - asking this very question. Not only did I bring home pizza and hot dogs... but also pizza rolls, tortilla chips, full fat cheese (in two varieties), non-whole wheat pasta, and a few other poor choices that are slipping my mind at the moment. On the bright side, I did get a bunch of fresh produce & I refused to go down the snack food aisle of the store at all.

All joking aside, there is a problem here... a serious one that I think its long since time to chat about. It feels like I've reached a point - much like I did a few months ago - where I'm self-sabotaging. A number came on the scale and something inside of me went into "what if" panic mode. Or sometimes its not a number on the scale, but that I've lost more in a week than I feel like I "deserved" to lose based on my actions... this too can set me in panic mode.

Its happened a few times before and I've made excuses much as I could choose to this time - life is getting in the way, I'm worn out after the Challenge, I need to find balance, The Husband wanted all this good food, other people need my attention, the house needs cleaning... really the list could go on for days I'm sure. But really the time for excuses is over... so I'm going to say it here - though I don't know if I've ever really said it aloud to anyone... so you get to know one of my deep, dark secrets...

Okay I guess the secret is a two parter... first, when I hit about 190 I panic because I don't remember ever weighing any less than that... I know it makes no sense, but its like I don't know what to do with myself. The second one, much more serious in my mind, if I lose what I feel is "too much" for a given week based on my actions... I start fearing Cancer. Why? Because I remember when I was growing up and several family members were diagnosed with Cancer, hearing my Mom talk about how they had suddenly started losing lots of weight prior to being diagnosed. Literally since I was about eight years old, a big part of my mind has associated rapid weight loss with Cancer. The flip side of that is that somehow in my childhood mind, plumpness equalled health (or at least lack of Cancer).

How do I combat this secret fear of mine & keep it from hindering me?

Part of it is an attitude adjustment and forcing myself to let go of the fear. In a more tangible sense, blogging helps... so does keeping food and activity journals is critical. Then if I do a double take on the scale, I have something look back on and verify that I "earned" the number on the scale. Planning meals helps because then I know I've planned for success... it isn't something that's just randomly happening for no apparent reason. The last couple weeks have legitimately been insanely busy... I've barely blogged, haven't journaled a thing & meal planning has been something of a lost art... and guess what... I'm faltering BADLY.

This coming week is going to be as insanely busy as the last two - if not worse. Its always like this leading up to deployment (which is now a week away) and its only more chaotic this year with me having this job. Regardless, I must pull myself out of this downward spiral... so I'm going to focus on journaling all of my food and activity this week... even if I eat like I'm trying to gain 40 pounds instead of lose them and even if my activity level is that of an 80 year old woman who just had hip replacement surgery.

An unrelated side note... my son has decided that his coping mechanism for his Dad leaving is to proclaim that he hates him and will be happy when he leaves. We know its his way of dealing with it, but its still causing a lot of stress and anxiety in the house... especially hard for The Husband to hear when he's getting ready to deploy. So... if you're the praying kind, please pray for them... and maybe me as I try to keep the peace, lol.

NSVs & The Next Challenge

2010-05-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

Here I am! Thought I'd better hurry up and post before someone sent out a search party, lol. A few people have emailed me to see if I'm okay because I haven't posted... and yes, I am okay... just super busy. New job, the boy one's birthday, last minute details before The Husband leaves on deployment, end of the year events for kids group... I think I need an IV drip of caffeine to get through the next couple weeks. :-)

We took the boy one here for his birthday...

The Great Wolf Lodge. It was lots of fun for all of us and a major NSV for me. First, I have to share that thanks to a fellow blogger I was sporting an awesome new swimsuit... in a size MEDIUM!!!! Holy crapola I don't know when the last time I wore a medium swimsuit was... or if I ever did to be honest. Besides the suit, I actually felt comfortable going down all of the slides & there was no concern about exceeding the weight limits when I went on a tube with The Husband... which was an awesome feeling!

A quick note about a couple of other recent NSVs... these probably would've been posts of their own if I wasn't soooo dang busy the last couple weeks.

When I was at the bank getting change for the yard sale I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a couple years. She told me that she'd seen me at the festival in town a few weeks ago. I asked why she hadn't said hello & her response was "I wasn't sure it was you, you look amazing!" Crazy I tell ya... I don't feel like I look that much different that a friend wouldn't be sure if it was me or not.

Then the very next day, at the yard sale, my new friend Lisa (I met her at the job training) and I were discussing my son. I commented that he was going to be twelve in a few days. She looked at me all surprised and said "Wait, how old are you? You don't look old enough to have a kid that age." When I told her I was 33, she said that she would have guessed I was closer to 25!!!

These little victories all mean so much right now when I'm struggling to eat well & haven't seen the inside of the gym in days... too many days.

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Now for the next challenge...

I don't know if I've really mentioned this on my blog, but I'm going to the BOOBS gathering in Chicago in September. Someone had to keep Drazil from being the only band-less one there, lol.

I googled the distance between Seattle & Chicago, depending on the source I got numbers anywhere from 1727-2049 miles. Most sites said it was 1727-1749 miles, so I'm going to go with 1750 miles for this challenge. What is the challenge?

To move my tush (and the rest of me) 1750 miles between now & the Chicago trip! Miles will be combined for all of the cardio equipment at the gym... plus if I'm out walking, hiking or beach walking I'll be sure to have my pedometer so I can count that too. Yes, its a long term challenge... so naturally I will have short term things going on along the way too.

As for May goals, I mentioned in my last post that my only goal for the month was to make healthy choices in restaurants this month. The reason for this is just how crazy things are right now and I don't feel like I can handle the stress of overwhelming myself with a laundry list of goals/rewards til The Husband is on his way. One thing that is always true of the cycle leading up to deployment is that he wants to eat at all of the restaurants he will miss when he's away... so I KNOW that restaurants are going to be one of the biggest challenges this month.

On another note, my first real paycheck since I was pregnant with the boy one (yes the one who just turned 12) went into my bank account tonight... pondering what I should do with the part of it I've designated for "play." I have some ideas... but curiosity makes me ask...

What would you do with it???

Around the World Challenge Wrap Up.... Finally

2010-05-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

Note to self (and anyone who will listen): do not get sick while completing a major gym challenge & starting a new job... but if you must don't be stubborn and deny it until it turns into bronchitis. Yeah, that pretty much sums up what I've managed to do to myself in the last ten days.

The challenge has been done for over a week & I'm just now getting to updating you on the outcome... geez I told ya I'm waaaayyyyy behind here, lol. Honestly, I work well under pressure (the deadline drives me), but I HATE getting behind. And I've been missing blogging like crazy... my body says rest though... and I've been trying to listen.

As for the results... I don't have full results. You'll also notice I don't have post challenge pics - have to find time for someone to take them still, lol. The guy that did my measurements at the end did not do them in the same places as the girl who did them at the beginning & he insisted on measuring over my clothes. I was really frustrated because I wanted to see the true numbers. With his method of measuring I lost about 2" each from my waist & hips. I can tell that I lost inches in areas that they didn't measure for the Challenge. My weight loss was 6 lbs during the six weeks of the challenge. Not too bad, but not quite what I was hoping for. However, I do want to make it really clear that I increased my calorie intake considerably during the Challenge. I didn't want to rapidly drop weight in a manner that I can't sustain for the long term. And as much as I'd like to say I could... I don't think three hour workouts six days a week is something I can maintain.

The awards ceremony - complete with lunch - was Saturday. Now before I talk about the prizes, I have to tell you all I was FLOORED when they carried in 12 large pizzas & bread sticks from Little Caesars!!! Seriously, here we are at the gym challenge awards & they serve pizza???? Am I the only one that thinks that was a little out of place? I did not eat pizza, but had three bread sticks (they were the little ones) with fruit & veggies.

Now for the awards part... my name was chosen three times! But you can only keep one prize - I ended up with a $50 gift certificate for a local antique store. I'm totally happy with that since I love antiques & vintage stuff. My other choices when I was chosen were for a restaurant or rounds of golf. Once again, I have stop and ask why I would want to reward myself with food?!? These prizes are from "corporate sponsors" of the Challenge... so I understand there will be a variety of prizes, but still. My BFF Erika (yes the one I've been so frustrated with recently) won a family bowling package (which includes pizza, go figure). She was also the Women's Body Composition winner for our location! She was totally shocked, but I wasn't too surprised because I could see a big difference in her from the beginning.

Erika & I were two of only six people to complete the entire challenge for our gym location. The other location that combined with us for the awards had five people complete the entire thing. So out of 200 participants only 11 people finished the whole thing! I was a little bummed because they have decided to stop giving out the individual plaques for those who do the whole thing. I was looking really forward to adding another one to the wall in my office... but they are going to do a wall display inside the gym with all the names on it. I guess that's cool too because I can look at it every time I workout in the gym.

Kind of a cool experience. I was in Walmart with The Husband on Sunday night & two people stopped me to congratulate me on finishing the whole challenge! They were both people that completed part of it. I think it totally caught The Husband by surprise... which was amusing considering his general attitude about the whole thing. :-)

I had this whole post in my mind about my reflections from the challenge... but since I'm playing catch up its time to abbreviate I suppose. Conquering a huge goal brings a huge sense of empowerment... but as I've said before there is a feeling of peace that comes with it as well. Not only peace, but a feeling self-security... knowing that you can do what you need to do for yourself.

Beyond that the biggest thing I'm left with this year is a "stop the I can't" mentality because... I CAN. Let me explain... I'm one of those people that gets bored on any given piece of cardio equipment after a short time. 20 minutes on the elliptical & I'm ready to bolt... treadmill is about 10 minutes at best. This has led me (and I've heard others say it too) to say "I can't do more than 30 minutes." Well the simple truth is I CAN do quite a bit longer than that IF I choose to. Believe it or not, I discovered that the first 30 minutes is the most difficult. By the time you hit 30 minutes all of those little aches and pains that we so often use as excuses for stopping have subsided (or I suspect numbed away, lol). It actually got to the point where it was easier to stay on a single machine for a full hour than to split that hour between a pair of machines.

One other thing that I really noticed this year was the difference that skipping breaks can make. For example, I used to do the StairMaster in 15 minute increments - with a two minutes break in between - for a total of 30-45 minutes. I did this to catch my breath and let my heart rate recover a little. But when I would start again, it was hard to get going. I think those little breaks gave my brain just enough time to tell my legs that they were tired of climbing. Midway through the challenge, I started going all the way down to level one for my recovery periods rather than stopping. This helped immensely and I was able to climb for much longer periods... up to two hours on one crazy night.

The overall take away from the Challenge (barring injury & illness).... WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE SET OUR MINDS TO... its just a matter of being brave (or crazy) enough to set our minds to things that will truly push us to new levels!

Now that I've written an entire short story, its time to take the boy one to therapy & then off to be a "good" government employee for a few hours. My "advisers" have weighed in & with any luck I'll be back to share my next "crazy challenge" with you all soon!

Btw - My one and only May goal is to make healthy choices in restaurants... more to come on that later. :)

Trying to Catch Up & A Winner

2010-05-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, I am soooooo far behind! The last few days have been CRAZY and I have TON of stuff to share. Job training ended, the job officially started, we did whirlwind prep for the yard sale, had two full days of yard sale, and the awards at the gym for the Around the World Challenge. Somewhere in the midst of all that fun, I had to concede that what I was insisting was nothing more than allergies was in fact a nasty cold (bordering on bronchitis). Saturday it was all I could do to make it through dinner without falling asleep at the table. I was in bed by 10:30pm, which is unheard of for me. Sunday night, I crashed out on the floor (our living room furniture went the way of the yard sale) before 9:00pm & finally stumbled to the bedroom around 11:00pm. It was all I could do to get my son up & on the bus this morning... then I "napped" until after 10:00am. I'm feeling some better and managed to put in a couple of hours work late this afternoon.

On to the first installment of catching up, lol. I was supposed to announce the winner of the Cheerleader prize Friday night... which I remembered about 4:00am Saturday morning (when I was going to bed after setting up for the yard sale). So sorry... I swear my brain has turned to mush.

Here it is... the randomly selected winner of the Cheerleader prize is....

LauraLynne!

Congratulations!! Please look for an email from me in the next day or so.

Packages for all of my Cheerleaders (the ones that sent me addresses) will be in the mail this week.

I'm finalizing some plans for my May goals & rewards... hopefully I'll be back with another installment of catching up & those plans later tonight... or in the morning if I succumb to sleep again, lol.

What are your goals for May?

Cheerleader Info Needed

2010-04-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

Well I think I'm recovering nicely from finishing the Challenge... except my left knee aches like crazy. It was really nice not to wake up and head for the gym yesterday, but by last night the feeling that something was missing had settled in. By this morning, I was missing the gym and now I'm actually frustrated that I can't go tonight! Seriously, when did this become such a part of me that I can't miss a single day without going through withdrawals?

The new job is going well so far. Its had logistical challenges with The Husband's schedule & being down to one car... but we're making it work. The downside has been not being able to get to the gym; but I suppose a two day break is okay after how crazy the final Challenge days were. Tomorrow, I will get back to the gym for sure... and finally get my post-Challenge measurements.

Now, my faithful cheerleaders, I need you to email me your info. As in names & mailing addresses please (and yes, my dear Mama Pimp that means you too). True to my word, my official cheerleaders are going to be rewarded. The winner of the special gift will be announced Friday evening... I already know who you are... but you can earn an extra chance to win if I receive your info by 4:00pm PST on Friday. In case you're wondering what the "gift" is... its a surprise... I promise its good... and I did give a hint a few days ago that it required a trip to the bead store. :)

Its kids group night, and I'm already going to be late... but I wanted to leave you with my amusing moment of the afternoon. Sitting at a stop light on the way home from training, there were these two older guys along the side of the road (taking their picture in front of a pair of display jets). What caught my eye initially was the one guy trying to fix his hair, despite the fact that the wind was blowing steadily. So there I am innocently observing them & the one guy bends over, with his backside toward me, and I see a HUGE hole in his crotch! And let me tell ya... this old guy was not wearing underwear! The last thing I needed to see was old man butt hole on my way home.... ewwwwww is all I can say. Oh wait, I guess I should count my lucky stars that the hole was only on the back part of the crotch... or I would've really gotten an eye full. Still, I may have nightmares... I think I'm scarred!

The One You've Been Waiting For!

2010-04-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

Around the World is DONE!!!

I FINISHED!!! All parts of the Challenged Completed!!!

332 Circuit Sets

279 Core Sets

378 Free Sets

48 miles on Elliptical

38.1 miles on treadmill

150 miles on bike

2,100 floors on StairMaster

In six weeks... well five, if I subtract the week I missed when we went to visit The Husband's family. Holy crapola! I can't believe I got it all done... well I can because I wasn't gonna accept anything less... but still there were moments when it almost didn't seem worth it.

Its a funny thing to finish... you would think there would be some mini-celebration or at least a huge sigh of relief. But there isn't... there is quiet and a calm feeling knowing that its done. And in this case, there was one delicious Strawberry Fields smoothie involved.

The rest of the day I devoted to relaxation, even though I have a ton of stuff to do this week & the new job starting bright n early Tuesday morning. I curled up on the sofa with a blanket and book. I chatted on the phone. I texted with friends. And I napped... or maybe I should say I became comatose on the sofa for a couple hours. I think you probably could have picked up the sofa and moved it without me waking up.

My reflections on the Challenge experience will be coming soon... maybe when I've replaced the brain cells that left my body disguised as sweat, lol.

Time for me to sleep... but not without an extra special THANK YOU to all of my faithful cheerleaders! I really don't know if I could have made it through without all of your support in the final days. You rock!!!

PS - Especially for Drazil - I do hereby promise to eat HUGE amounts of food with you! But I refuse to dawn a bikini, lol. :)

The Gym Sandwich

2010-04-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

How does one make a gym sandwich?

Start the day with nearly two hours at the gym.

Spend the entire afternoon at the carnival & street fair.

End the day with another 1.25 hours at the gym.

There you have it... one gym sandwich. :)

For everyone who gave me permission to quit after my last post, I'm glad you were so concerned for my well-being and I appreciate it, however I have to say thanks... but no thanks! I've come way too far to stop now. Whatever seems to have caused my body's meltdown on Saturday seems to have passed... I was totally fine today.

The StairMaster is DONE!!! Yay!!!!! 200 floors today... so I actually finished with 2107 floors! While we were at the carnival, we had to walk up a flight of stairs to get to the food/shopping area... and OMG, I thought my legs were going to fall off by the time we got to the top.

I managed to knock out another 4.5 miles on the treadmill in my second visit to the gym. At beginning, I was thinking I might end up hurling after all the crap food I ate at the carnival... but it was okay once I got going. And no, I didn't eat that much crap food... just ate it fairly close to when I went back to the gym.

There I was, trotting along on the treadmill... and everything came to a crashing halt... the power went out (I guess in the whole town). Its a good thing I was walking; the lady a few machines down was running & she crashed into the front of her treadmill. It was a short outage & I was able to finish up with no problem.

So for the final day... I have 8 miles on the treadmill & 36 free weight sets. Is it weird that those numbers seem easy to me?

The carnival was lots of fun. We let the boy one have a wristband and he amused himself on rides for a couple hours. The food was wonderful... I ended up skipping the corn dog. This BBQ place had a long line... which around here we assume to be a sign of good food. I had a BBQ Baked Potato topped with cheese, sour cream & beef brisket. Not sure how it compares calorie wise to the corn dog - but I can tell you with total honesty it was some of the best food I've ever had in my life! And because I planned for an indulgence today... I was able to fully enjoy it without so much as a smidgen of guilt or anxiety. :)

I'm off to get some rest... the next time you hear from me I will have successfully completed the Around the World Challenge for the second consecutive year!!!

What do you have planned for this final week of April? Will you reach your goals for the month?

Dear Accidental Fat Chick

2010-04-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Accidental Fat Chick,

You asked me to cooperate with your demands for three more days. I grimaced & unwillingly agreed with this request. Now, you have the nerve to tell me I must perform for a fourth day!!! Who do you think you are? Why do you not understand the warning signs I'm sending your way?

Today alone I gave the following "hints" that I'm ready to call it quits:

Muscle fatigue

Aching in my knees

Aching in my hip

Sharp pain in my thigh

My total inability to keep my heart rate in a productive zone

Abdominal pain that keeps on going like the Energizer bunny

Unquenchable thirst (three times the "normal" water while you subjected me to the StairMaster)

And now, at this late hour, I am presenting you with terrible back pain... hoping (though I suspect in vain) that you'll take the hint & give me a good LONG rest.

Your demands are unreasonable & I'm sure they must break some rule in the proper care and treatment of the human body! I am sick & tired of being treated this way!! Let this be your notice, I'm not gonna take it anymore!!! You can't make me!!!

- Your Body

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I swear to you... every part of my body is ready to quit - to be done - to throw in the towel. Today's gym experience was the kind I haven't had in months - and not in a good way. I started out with free weights, which were okay. Moving on to the StairMaster, I immediately had problems. Within the first 30 minutes I had to stop the machine to catch my breath. Throughout the whole time I was sweating way more than normal, couldn't regulate my heart rate for the life of me & drank about three times as much water as I usually do on it. It was so bad that I was stopping every 15 minutes & then when I'd start again it would take every bit of my strength to keep on going. At 250 floors... I called it a day. Its very disappointing because I had lots of available time to get stuff done there today & my body just wouldn't cooperate at all.

We put off going to the carnival (my corn dog experience) until Sunday. The weather is supposed to be better. It should also be a little less crowded. Saturday is always a crazy busy day there because it starts with a parade in the morning & people seem to hang around for hours after.

We did do a quick walk through the street fair part of the event. There were so many tempting things that I managed to resist purchasing... though it seemed like selection is way down from last year. I did buy a hat - which is way out of character for me - but I really liked it. For food, I had bbq chicken on a stick, 2 small pieces of lumpia, and 1/2 an elephant ear with cinnamon & sugar.

We're having a late dinner of shrimp, baked potatoes & zucchini... I want brown rice instead of the potato, but I'm too tired & hungry to wait for it to cook.

Time to go cook... but first... a special thanks to Melissa for keeping me company while I'm at the gym. Text messages are a great thing! :)

A Gift, Food Confessional & Coming Changes

2010-04-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

Or perhaps its more of a realization... the ending date of the Challenge is the 26th - which is Monday. Don't even ask why I thought it was Sunday. Seriously, I think all of my brain cells have exited my body disguised as sweat. Anyway - its an extra day - and it feels like a HUGE gift right now!

Quick update on the numbers

What I did today: 7.3 miles on the treadmill

What I have left (approximately): 12.5 mi treadmill, 450 floors stairmaster & 150 free weight sets

Totally doable!!!

I will be so excited when the last blank is filled in on my "passport!" My first stop after I leave the gym that day will be the store that has my Coach handbag displayed. They only have one left, I swear if I get there & its gone I may sit down (or collapse) right in the middle of the handbag area and burst into tears!

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Food confessional time here... The day started out soooo well (strawberries, low fat cottage cheese & fat free yogurt) & then came Jack in the Box... followed by Pizza Hut. I'm still within my calories for the day (by some miracle), but my body just feels yucky from all the crap I put in it. Let this be a good reminder that just because you're eating within your calories does NOT mean you are eating well. If you eat crap... you're gonna feel like crap... regardless of how many calories you've eaten.

And, I might as well confess ahead of time... I plan to indulge in one very bad for me corn dog at the carnival tomorrow. But, it is PLANNED for... and much anticipated... so once again I refer back to my insistence that I do this in a way I can sustain for the long haul - even if it means it takes me a little longer to get where I'm going.

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On a totally unrelated subject, we have a deployment date for The Husband. I can't say exactly when... but soonish I will be playing single Mom yet again (faux single Mom as I call it). We've known it was coming, but its sooner than expected & there is soooo much to be done before he leaves.

And, something I've neglected to mention, I am starting training for a new job on Tuesday! Its a temporary job, lasting eight weeks or so. It will be my first "real" job of any kind since I was pregnant with my son. I'm nervous because its been so long since I've worked. The timing is stressful with deployment quickly approaching & everything that goes along with that. We really need the money & my hours will be roughly the same as The Husband's... so hopefully I can balance everything without losing my mind.

Being a working Mom is totally new to me... I know a lot of you do it... and I need to know HOW? :-)

Dear Body... Dear Mind...

2010-04-22T21:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Body,

Do you wonder what you did to deserve the torture you've been receiving the last few weeks? You did nothing, for a LONG time... that's the problem! Are you ready to throw in the towel & admit defeat? Well tough! That's NOT happening.

Your pain is evident & felt all over. Resistance levels & intervals that are normally met with mere moderate resistance now have to be pushed through with all your might. A few floors on the StairMaster & your knees are crying for reprieve. Scant minutes on the treadmill & your shins burn like they are directly over an open flame. Puny five pound dumbbells have become too much to lift over your head. Fatigue is apparent, as you fall asleep early & still have a hard time leaving bed in the mornings. I feel your pain & I'm ALMOST sorry for the burden that has been placed upon you. But I promise you it is all worth it.

Now, I have to ask you one HUGE favor... hang in there for another three days. You can do this for me! I know you're sore... I know you're tired... I know you're worn out... I know you long to languish in bed... but you will survive. I need you to do your part. Pretend your knees aren't crying. Pretend your shins are not burning from flames nipping at them with every step. Pretend your arms have the strength to lift to the sky. For just three more days, that's all I ask. Then, you can have a break, I promise. In the spirit of total honesty, it will be a SHORT break... but still a break.

By the way, I promise if you will agree to this arrangement for the next three days, I will supply you with a steady supply of medicine to calm your ailments. Good stuff, I swear it!

Thank you for your help in this matter,

The Accidental Fat Chick

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Dear Mind,

I've already spoken to the body... now its your turn. The body has been instructed on what it needs to do for the next three days. You need to do your part as well. Please stop sending messages to body parts that express anything other than relaxation and capabilities of endurance for the long haul. There is no time for the body to even think it hurts. So please, for the sake of the greater good... abolish words/thoughts/feelings like pain, ache, soreness, tiredness, etc from your vocabulary... just for the next three days. Then the whine-fest can commence. But until then, I need nothing but positive, can do messages sent to the body. Is this too much to ask for? I think not... and just think how pleased you will be when the last set is done, the last mile on the treadmill, the last floor! You can do this!

Thank you ever so kindly,

The Accidental Fat Chick

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Okay now that I'm done talking to myself... let me fill you in. I came home from kids group Wednesday night way too tired to even think of writing a post. I think I may have actually fallen asleep before my head hit the pillow. In the last two days at the gym, I did another 50 floors on the StairMaster, 55 sets of free weights & I FINISHED the elliptical (12.2 miles or so). So glad the elliptical is done... if you've been reading for a while, you might remember I spent four hours or so on it the last day of the challenge last year. That was so not happening this year, lol. I'm close enough that it feels doable, but still one heck of a challenge, to finish it up.

Thank you for all of the supportive, encouraging comments over the last several days. I am deeply honored that anyone finds me to be inspiring. I don't see it... I'm just struggling along like everyone else... but if my struggle helps or encourages someone else, then I'm happy for it.

Hope you're having a great week!

Ladies (and Seth)... Another Record Bites the Dust

2010-04-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I reported that I had lost my mind and had done 210 floors on the StairMaster. Self reflection as I was typing that post uncovered the fact that I had taken Midol before heading to the gym... therefore, my body had no idea what I was really doing to it. During that session, I did 10 or 15 minute blocks with a minute or two break in between to recover.

Well tonight that record fell!

No pre-workout painkillers!!

No "recovery" periods!!!

New record is....

302 FLOORS!!!!!!!!

302 floors of continuous motion.

Do you realize that is equivalent to walking (or climbing) over six miles straight uphill with NOOOOOO breaks???

If you're wondering, I burned over 1200 calories during this bout of insanity. Floors to 250-290 were really brutal. I slowed it down to a cool down pace for the last 12 floors. Honestly, when I pressed stop on that machine I was elated that it was over and that I had broken the 300 floor mark... and crazy as it sounds, I felt like I could have kept climbing.

Now the question remains, will I be able to move when I wake up in the morning?

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On another note, I made a discovery when I was getting dressed this morning. There is definition in my lower abs that I have NEVER seen before. I can't even pinch fat in that particular spot!!! After making this little discovery, I must have stood in front of the mirror staring for a good five minutes... I just couldn't believe it. All of those core sets for the Challenge must have done what their designed to do. Now, I'm ultra motivated to keep up with the core sets, even though that part of the Challenge is done.

***********************************************************************

With less than a week left to go in the Challenge, its time to start thinking about how I will challenge and push myself when its over. I'm tossing some ideas around in my head... and will share soon.

What do you do to push yourself in your workouts? What motivates you to keep going when you'd pay money to stop?

Adding Some Color...

2010-04-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

to a blah Monday. Its just been one of those days where I'm cranky for no real reason. Starting out this morning, I just couldn't wake myself up... therefore I got to the gym late and didn't get the full amount of time I needed. Maybe that's it. Or perhaps, its last minute notice about babysitting today. The babysitting itself has been great, we played outside in the backyard... its the short notice part that may have swayed my mood. More likely, its the fact that my "friend" George has chosen to pay another visit. Seriously, again??? I'm losing my freakin mind with this... but its the price I pay for forgetting my pills when we went out of town. And I have zero motivation to do anything today - which I'm not sure if its because I'm cranky or its part of what's causing me to be cranky. Either way, you can call me "Ms. Cranky" for now.

Rather than continuing my crankiness, I decided to get the pictures from Sunday's trip to the tulip fields uploaded. The flowers were beautiful, even though its getting to be the end of the season for them. There were a TON of people there... you would have thought we were on the way to a concert or sports even the way traffic was backed up getting to the parking area. Kudos to the facility for having decent parking attendants & for the 50% off admission they give to military families! There was a little bit of drama during our visit - two ambulances - we saw one lady fall in the mud, not sure what the other incident was.

Here are a few pictures from the day...

Behind the display gardens, they have huge fields of tulips. It was rainbow of colors, but there were so many people milling around that it was hard to get a good picture of them.

It always amazes me all of the different shapes they get the tulips to grow in these days.

That's my son standing under the tree, the evergreen tree. I just had to share this because its so darn funny. He is scared to death of evergreen trees (don't ask, its a weird fear no one can figure out), but this was so tall, he didn't even realize what kind of tree it was.

There's some serious stuff on my mind, but I'm not gonna try to tackle it when I'm Ms. Cranky.

Hope the flower pictures add a little brightness to your day...

~ Julie ~

The Final Week

2010-04-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

By this time next week, Around the World will be OVER! Can you believe it?

I finished up with core sets today; so now I've completed core sets, circuit sets & the bike. Here's what I have left:

211 sets of free weights
12.7 mi on elliptical
23.8 mi on treadmill
795 floors on StairMaster

Doesn't look too impossible does it?

I ran the numbers - based on my typical pace - and it looks like I need about 13 hours of gym time for the cardio portion & maybe a couple extra hours for the free weights... so 15 hours total in seven days. It seems doable...

But I have a "secret" goal to finish early... I just think it would be really cool to finish early AFTER missing the whole week of spring break. Have I lost my mind? Quite possibly, lol.

Two days of "relaxing" at the gym has helped my body immensly. I have almost no pain or achiness for the first time in DAYS. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so energetic, but I've planned to work out twice a day every day except for Wednesday (and maybe Thursday) til its done.

Time for my cheerleaders to get their pom-poms ready for a busy week! :-)

************************************************************************

After I was done at the gym, we drove off the island to go see the tulips. We are so lucky to have these beautiful tulip fields about 30 minutes from our house. I took a bunch of pictures, so I'll share some after I get a chance to upload them. It was nice to go do something as a family - shocking that we had good weather & the Navy accommodated by giving him a day off at the same time. Unfortunately it was totally unplanned and spur of the moment things such as this lead me to...

Food confessional time AGAIN! This week has been TERRIBLE from a food perspective. Today for example; The Husband wanted to go to breakfast (something we rarely have the opportunity to do) so of course we did. I ordered a prime rib skillet... which was really nothing more than a beef fajita mix with hashbrowns. Plus it came with a side of toast, which I should have had them leave off... but no I ate one piece - which I guess is better than two. This might not have been so bad on its own... but we ended up eating out a second time. Round two I ordered a chicken fajita wrap... which I think was the healthiest thing they had (the other stuff was corn dogs, hot dogs, deluxe cheeseburgers), but still. If all of that isn't bad enough, we bought a small bag of kettle corn, which The Husband and I consumed before we even made it home; I could say he ate way more than I did, but I'd be lying. Small victories, I resisted the fudge & the milkshakes at the tulip fields. I'm thinking maybe I need to start doing a nightly post with my food log for more accountability or something.

Its been a good weekend... but I'm eager to get the new week started. What's going on in your world this week?

A Relaxing Saturday

2010-04-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

After pushing so hard all week at the gym, I decided it would be okay to have a relaxing Saturday... so I only did 1 hour 25 minutes there. In that time I finished the bike - yes, I said FINISHED the bike! No more cycling for me... at least not for the next eight days. I also did 50 core sets - granted they were easier sets than I normally do, but I'm getting down to the wire here. I will be able to finish the core sets on Sunday. Hallelujah! I so much prefer to do core exercises at home (aka out of the watchful eye of other gym patrons).

On the way home from the gym, I stopped by the commissary for some groceries. I took some cheerleader advice and stocked up on snack-type foods that I can combine into meals. I also loaded up the cart with Healthy Choice frozen meals. Normally, I try to limit prepared foods like that, but I figure for this next week, they will be a good option. In the past I've hated the Healthy Choice meals, but the ones I've tried recently were pretty tasty. I'll be sure to report on them if they are worthwhile. Calories on them are pretty low, 270-310, and they have fairly low sodium for a boxed meal. I rounded out the cart with some staples and some low fat ice cream... so maybe, just maybe... I can say NO to the dipped cones at Dairy Queen. I don't know what the deal is in my head, but if I'm driving around town on a nice sunny day, I can't get the thought of those dipped cones of sinfulness out of my mind.

Erika came over for dinner and movies with her new boyfriend, Brandon. I'm getting used to him and she's been a bit better about balancing things... so that's been nice. She colored my hair while they were here - results to come once it doesn't look like a big poof ball anymore. It was a good time & now I'm just winding down, thinking how good its going to be to sleep.

The Husband came home from work with good news... he gets Sunday off... so I can sleep in and go to the gym in the afternoon. Yay! I should be well rested and really able to hit it hard... the clock is ticking.

I'm going to go to bed and dream of CHICAGO, BOOBS and finishing Around the World!

A Good Day

2010-04-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

Friday was a GREAT day... as long as you don't ask me about what I ate. I've written it all down, but am stalling on adding up the calories. Anyway...

This morning started with 2 hours 20 minutes at the gym. Somehow I lasted a whole hour on the treadmill. My shins were killing me & then after the first sprint my right knee started aching badly. I walked most of it at modest 3.6... but forced myself to stay on for the whole hour. I think it helped to know that Erika would have painkillers in hand when she arrived at the gym, lol. So for the day... I got 3.6 mi on treadmill, 35 core sets and 5.4 mi on elliptical. Calories burned, 1097... 524 of that on treadmill (that's for you LauraLynne).

After the gym, The Husband and I went to Walmart... big excitement... but seriously the first time we've been in a store together for a LONG time. My "big" purchases... some pansies & a bottle of Excedrin Back & Body. I swear I could munch through that Excedrin like it was candy... but I suppose it wouldn't taste very good.

Oh, I have to back up for a minute. The Husband actually scored some points this morning. When he picked me up from the gym, he handed me an ice cold diet soda as I was sliding into the car! You have no idea how rare it is that he thought of something like that... and it was HIS idea to go to Walmart. I don't know what got into him... but its welcome to stay.

Erika & I planned to go to the bead store after she got off work... and here I was with actual "free" time while I was waiting. Ok, not exactly free time... I was babysitting her daughter, Alana & there is a TON of stuff to do here at home... but there was nothing I absolutely HAD to do. So... I took time for a long shower, put on a dress & makeup. That I would actually be able to pull myself together at this stage in the challenge is nothing short of a miracle. I was taking pictures of Alana blowing bubbles when she decided she wanted to take a picture... not too bad for a four year old...

I have to insert here... for most of my life I have HATED dresses with a passion. Something about losing weight has totally changed that. Now when I walk into a store, I am always drawn to dresses and skirts. Now if I could just do something about the pasty white legs (notice they are missing from the picture, not because she missed them, but because I cropped them out), lol.

The bead store was lots of fun. We shop there so much we've become friends with the Friday-Monday employee, so its social as much as it is about the shopping. Everything purple in the store was 20% off, so that was cool. Oh and I found this pendant that is soooo perfect to go with the dress I was wearing its like it was literally made for it.

Hint: The bead store holds the secret of the special gift one of my official cheerleaders is going to get from me. And, yes, you have to have the "official cheerleader" somewhere on your blog for a chance to win... so if you don't have her yet, go here to get her. :)

Not from the bead store, but from a "quick" trip to Walmart, you will find three boxes of hair color sitting on my kitchen counter. Stay tuned to see how that works out...

After all that running, I was glad to come home, sit down and actually catch up on reading a few blogs. Seriously, I have to say it, I've been missing everyone in blogland all week. As I was sitting, typing away, I looked up and saw this gorgeous sunset out over the water... so I had to pause for a few pics...

That's it... a good day... exceptional, perhaps considering the toll this challenge is taking. Did I mention how hard it was for me to get myself to the gym this morning? I wanted my bed soooooo bad, lol.

If you get a minute, go read Chris' post about excuses... what she shares is sooooo true & something I think we all need to hear from time to time.

Have yourself a happy Saturday... and you know where I'll be. :)

For My Cheerleaders :-)

2010-04-16T00:06:00.000-07:00

Look, my loyal cheerleaders, I finally got a little something made for you. My first attempt & I'm dead tired so forgive me if its not the most beautiful creation ever. Is it possible she's so ugly, she's cute? That's what my son said about her... but what does he know? lol

Anyhow, if you're already an official cheerleader or if you want to become one, grab the cheerleader for your blog. And when that's done, you'll want to be sure to leave me a comment on this post letting me know. Why? Because my official cheerleaders are going to be rewarded when this "little" challenge is over and one lucky cheerleader (randomly selected) is going to receive a special gift from me!

Thursday's workout didn't exactly go according to plan. I had to shorten my workout time and focused primarily on the StairMaster. 200 floors on the StairMaster followed by an easy 4.5 miles on the bike. I chose to end it there because it was an evening workout and I will be getting to the gym at about 8am Friday morning... so I wanted a little recovery time. Maybe its more like my body demanded recovery time because my mind wants to be in that gym every possible minute til this is done.

Oh and a moment of confession before I head off to bed... I ended up in the drive-thru line on my way home tonight... at Jack in the Box. I ordered the Chicken Fajita Pita - which is only 330 calories - and ate it with a couple of mandarin oranges when I got home. It was an okayish choice in a pinch...but grocery shopping is definitely on my priority list.

I'm so glad its almost the weekend! Are you? What fun stuff do you have planned for the weekend?

He's Coming for Me!!!

2010-04-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

Melissa, being the fabulous cheerleader that she is, sent me some rah rah text messages yesterday. Then she sent me this!

We've decided that I'm gonna envision this bad boy chasing me... if that doesn't keep my tush movin' on the treadmill I don't know what will, lol.

This got me to thinking, I need a pic of something on my phone that I can pop up to look at when I'm running. Something to be running toward... NOT away from like Mr. Gator. So, I'm going to stop by the store & take a pic of that Coach Poppy handbag on my way to the gym tonight.

I forgot this yesterday, because in all honestly after the gym it takes a while for my brain to return to semi-normal function. LauraLynne asked if I would share how many calories I burned on the treadmill yesterday. My HRM decided to be goofy and stop working, which I didn't realize right away, so I don't have a 100% accurate number. But at the end of the hour, it said I had burned 502 calories... so a bit more than that, but not sure how much. Not sure what happened with the monitor, maybe I need to shorten the strap more so it stays in position better.

My plan is to be at the gym from about 6:00-8:30 tonight. StairMaster, treadmill, free weights & core are on the agenda for the evening. I have to admit my body is all kinds of sore today. My shoulders both ache, my right wrist is causing terrible pain on & off, my right knee, both ankles and my shins are killing me... I'm a walking mess, lol.

Thanks for sharing your quick meal ideas. So far I'm really liking the idea of throwing snacks together into meals... because seriously I can't even find time to cut & wrap the chicken that's sitting in my fridge, much less cook a meal. How sad is it going to be if all those chickens sacrificed their little titties for them only to end up in the trash can because I failed to take care of them?

So I was sitting at the hospital while my son was in his therapy sessions and decided to go browse comments on the B.O.O.B.S blog.... and this is what I got:

Access has been denied!

You are seeing this error because what you attempted to access appears to contain, or is labeled as containing, material that has been deemed inappropriate.

So its official, the B.O.O.B.S are a bunch of inappropriate chicks, LMAO. The hospital network administrator says so! Yet it lets me read Drazil talk about her whootananny... go figure, lol.

I plan to be back later with another post... after all, I have new cheerleaders to welcome & news regarding the cheerleaders!

The Gym Today

2010-04-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Okay... I have about two minutes to write, so I'd better make the most of it. Otherwise we're gonna be hitting up some random drive-thru and them I'm gonna be all upset over the crap I put into my body. I "love" the hustle & bustle of Wednesdays... really I do...but I can't wait for the summer break already, lol. So, here goes...

I made it to the gym for 2 hrs 20 minutes this morning... after getting practically no sleep, so yeah I'm a little wiped out now. Its gonna take serious caffeine to keep me awake for my drive home tonight... Anyhow... I got in 5 miles on the elliptical, 4 miles on the treadmill & 40 core sets. Perfect numbers based on what I figured out yesterday...

I'll write a longer post when I get home tonight... if I can keep my eyes open long enough, lol. Wait til you see my new motivation to RUN on the treadmill!!! :-)

Oh... I could use some super fast, no cooking required meal ideas... because let me tell ya right now I'm gonna be spending all of my "free" time in that gym for the next eleven days.

My Cheerleaders & My Plan

2010-04-14T00:43:00.000-07:00

Here it is - midnight - and I'm finally getting to sit down with the computer for a few minutes. Its been a LONG day!

When I put out the call for cheerleaders, I never expected such a response... my cheerleaders thus far:

* Chris
* Stacia
* Carrie
* Scuttleboose
* Seth - who pointed out that I don't have to do this... but I really WANT to
* LauraLynne - whose message came through to my phone while I was on the StairMaster; the vision of her dusting off pom poms made me giggle
* Melissa- who sweetly offered to text me cheers (I emailed my number to you)
* Wishful Shrinking
* MaryFran - my original cheerleader :)
* MochaTrina
* Drazil aka Mama Pimp
*K.
* My "anonymous" friend

You are all AWESOME!!! I'm trying to make a little button you can display... but I'm artistically challenged at the moment; I think my brain cells are all seeping through my pores at the gym.

Several people suggested I make a plan, if I didn't already have one. Rest assured I do have a plan. For what I have left to complete on cardio stuff (elliptical, treadmill, bike & StairMaster), it will take approximately 22 hours at my "usual" pace. Plus, I still need time for core & free weight sets on top of that. If I dedicate 2.5 hours per day to the gym, that will give me 30 hours total in the 12 remaining days. My plan right now is to do alternate days of elliptical/treadmill & StairMaster/treadmill, with core & free weight sets each day. I only have 18 miles left on the bike, so I will probably set it aside for a few days. Of course if I can pick up my pace a little I will... and hopefully shave a little bit off the required time. I'd be happy if I wasn't right down to the wire on it like last year... but at this point I'll take it however it comes.

Now for a quick report on my day... it was scale day... which I almost forgot with so much thought going into the challenge. I'm happy to report that I did weigh & was down 2.8 pounds AFTER having had a cup of water and three mini muffins!!! Yay!!! It feels good to know that I was able to get right back into a successful routine after being gone for a week.

At the gym, I got in 2 hours plus about 20 minutes - 160 floors on the StairMaster (slow pace, but was able to keep my heart rate a little lower), 25 free weight sets, 4.5 miles on the bike & 55 circuit sets. If my math is right, that makes 332 circuit sets & I am DONE with that part of the challenge!!! Yay!!! I think I got 3-4 emails with comments while I was at the gym which was AWESOME! It really helped keep me going. :)

My plan for Wednesday is to be at the gym roughly from 8:30-11:30am PST. Wednesday is kids group night & I'm taking my Mom home (finally!), so its another busy day ahead.

I'm behind on blog reading again, imagine that, lol. Hope everyone is having a great week so far!

Thank you for being my AWESOME Around the World Cheerleaders! 12 days to go....

Calling All Cheerleaders

2010-04-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the month Mary Fran appointed herself my personal cheerleader for finishing the Around the World Challenge. She is an awesome cheerleader & leaves me encouraging comments every day!

There are only 13 days left in the Challenge & I am STRESSED about being able to finish. I have soooooo much left to get done - 53 circuit sets, 167 core sets, 288 free weight sets, 23.3 miles on elliptical, 21.5 miles on bike, 33.4 miles on treadmill and 1.155 floors on the StairMaster. I have to finish this... failure is NOT an option!!!

Working under pressure is my forte... but really this is extreme - even for me. So... I NEED all the cheerleaders I can assemble. No joke - I need as many people as possible to keep me going... to comment, email, text - whatever... so there's a stream of motivation when I look at my phone out of boredom as I'm spending endless time on the treadmill & other instruments of torture, lol. If I'm being whiny & needy, so be it... but this "accidental fat chick" needs HELP & LOTS of it!

Will you be my cheerleader???

The Weekend Wrap

2010-04-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

Before I get on to the weekend, I want to respond to the comments on my last post...

Chris - Thanks for your amusing antidotes... they made me smile. And you're absolutely right, much of my "anger" comes from the fear of knowing what she is doing to herself.

Drazil - You're so sweet for wanting to come rescue me! Its hard to know what to do... but I find myself biting my tongue a lot. She is here til Wednesday.

Josie - Thanks for your encouragement, especially when I know you haven't been feeling well. :)

K - I'm so sorry for your loss. I really do try to be as compassionate as I can. It just gets very frustrating at times because not only will she do little to nothing to help herself, but she does things that prevent me from doing what is best for me & my family (as far as living a healthy lifestyle). This post will give you a little bit of insight into my relationship with my Mom.

Okay... on to the weekend...

Saturday was a lovely day. I made these yummy chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.

Then it was off to the gym. The first hour there I spent upstairs where I did 40 sets on the circuit machines, 30 core sets & 50 free weight sets. Free weights are killer because my shoulder is so freakin sore... but I've got to get it done. Then I spent about 40 minutes on cardio, split between the bike & elliptical. My energy level was way low, which was really a bit frustrating considering how much of the challenge I still have to go.

We had company over dinner... DiAnne (the peanut butter cookie baker) and Erika (the BFF, who has been better lately). It turned out to be a great time... lots of food (which I tried not to overindulge in... but I ate too many cookies for sure) & many fun games of Dutch Blitz. My Mom was even pleased because we had potatoes and something with beef in it, lol.

Sunday started with blueberry oat pancakes. I don't know what my obsession is with pancakes lately, but I could eat a variation for breakfast every day I think. Sorry I was so busy eating I forgot to take a picture, oops.

Next stop was naturally the gym. There was an "incident" at home this morning which left me with awful chest pain... so I took it really easy. I just did 22 miles on the bike & 22 sets on the circuit machines. The good news is that I'm now close to having those two parts of the challenge completed.

This wasn't a typical Sunday because I didn't get much of my prep cooking done for the week. However, I managed to get a couple batches of Lemon-Poppy seed muffins baked & some brown rice cooked. For dinner I made these boneless wings and a simple salad with Asian dressing.

It was really yummy. And, would you believe my Mom actually liked it so much she asked for the recipe??? I'm still recovering from the shock!

Speaking of recipes, should I start posting them on here?

Overall, it was a great weekend. Hope the weekend was great for you too!

She's Gone & Done It Now!

2010-04-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

All of you lovelies who told me to come here when my Mom was driving me nuts... you're in for a "treat" because here I am. And its not a pretty visit. She has seriously gone & done it. I am just seething inside - and that's after running my mouth (just a tad) and kicking my butt for 2 1/2 hours at the gym.

Remember we all agreed that I'm going on business as usual around here - well it seems that decision will be a source of discontent. We were watching Dr. Oz & he was giving the food comparisons for different meals at Mexican, Italian, Chinese, etc. When he gave the calorie count for french toast, she went on tangent number one of the day. She literally said that she can't wait to be dead so she doesn't have to worry about food anymore! Worse yet, she said it within the hearing of my son!!! OMG, I wanted to slap her!!! And, no I would never slap her... but good grief why on earth does she think its okay to say things like that? And why would you ever say something like that where a child can hear it? She clearly has no clue the impact of hearing things like that can have on a person. This isn't the first time she's said something similar... but the most blatant. Somehow, by the grace of God, I managed to keep my cool on the outside... while SCREAMING loudly inside.

After that unpleasantness I got myself ready & headed to the gym. Walking through the door I was wishing for a punching bag, lol. My workout today consisted of 160 floors on the StairMaster, a mile on the elliptical and 10 miles on the bike. I wanted to do more... but I just didn't have the energy to keep on for some reason. I burned 1,155 calories...so not bad.

A quick stop at the grocery store and I came home to make these yummy chicken fajitas for dinner.

Guess what? She complained about the fajitas... because... they were messy!

Oh and she HATES all things chicken, unless its rolled in flour & fried. Considering the fact that my menu is chicken, chicken, chicken, shrimp, chicken, chicken and chicken until further notice... she's gonna have plenty to complain about.

Here comes tangent number two (or three if we count the chicken/fajita comments as a tangent) of the day. I was watching (ok more listening to) Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution while I was cleaning up from dinner. I made a comment about the "poor girl on there probably weighing 300 pounds or more" and her immediate response was "well then she doesn't have the right to a good life!" STOP right there because that's where I couldn't bite my tongue another second. At my objection, she insisted that she had heard people saying things like that on some talk show recently, which she may have... I don't know what she watches. The thing is & what I said that I probably shouldn't have was that she lives her life in a manner that says she believes that. Everything about the way she lives says "I'm fat so I don't have the right to a good life." Me saying that had her in tears... and I feel bad for making her cry... I just couldn't hold it in... I'd had all I could take.

Sorry for all the venting... but really you guys are all I have right now because I don't dare share this with The Husband... he'd probably really let her have it & I'm TRYING to maintain the peace around here. Thanks for "listening" to me, you're the best! I promise I have a positive, upbeat "thankful" post coming SOON!

Hope you all have an awesome weekend! :)

Day One is Over

2010-04-09T00:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all of the supportive comments about my Mom's visit. You guys are the best!

Day one is in the books & I survived. She had one minor meltdown when I mentioned the nutritional content of the ice cream cones from Dairy Queen (yes we had these today, it was my son's treat day after his therapy so planned in my week)... something about how the only thing you can eat - that's good for you - is raw fruits & vegetables... I sort of tuned her out. We're just going about our normal routine, not making a big deal out of things & not making concessions or compromising the way we live... which I think irritates her some. Despite her sitting with her Doritos & scads of sugar free chocolate, I did a really good job staying on track with my food for the day. 1426 calories total... including the ice cream!

The gym and I had two meetings today... sometimes I even surprise myself, lol. Round one lasted for about 90 minutes. I did 3.6 miles on the treadmill, 35 floors on the stairmaster & 20 sets on the circuit machines. My pace was slow on the treadmill - oh how I detest that machine! - and the only reason I managed to stay on it for a whole hour was that one of my friends was in the audience on The Price is Right, so I was trying to spot him. Whatever works. Round two was a solid hour - 115 floors on the stairmaster & 3.5 miles on the bike. I burned 975 calories in round one & 677 calories in round two - 1652 for the day! Splitting it into two sessions like that really cuts down on the fatigue, wish I could do it that way more often. Still, I'm starting to feel anxious about the gym challenge (more on that after I've had some sleep lol).

Just for fun... while we were doing our late Egg Hunt at kids group last night, we remembered a picture that was taken of me last year and attempted to recreate it for comparison. 2009 on the left & this year on the right.

What do ya think? Is there a noticeable difference?

We Didn't Even Make It Home...

2010-04-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

before she insisted on stopping for food. It seems that she failed to eat a proper dinner & had to have food so she could take her medicine. So naturally we were supposed to stop at McDonald's for her to get a meal... because yeah that's the first place I'd go if I were hungry & needed to take medicine. I refused to go to McDonalds, but agreed to AM PM... not much better; but there are no fries there & you can at least add fresh veggies to your burger.

When we pulled into the "lovely" AM PM parking lot, I insisted on going in by myself, figuring that if she went in she would add to the "meal." I picked up a single cheeseburger for her and loaded it with veggies & mustard. For myself, I did get a corn dog... which was a thousand times better tasting than that nasty hot dog from the other day; not the best choice but surprisingly under 300 calories.

Next stop was the pharmacy for her to pick up her meds before we headed up here. Finally we were on the road, driving toward home. She chows down her cheeseburger in the span of about five minutes - which is being generous - I seriously think she may have inhaled parts of it. Then... OMG... you wouldn't believe what comes next. She starts digging in her bag from the pharmacy and out comes a bag of - you guessed it - Nacho Cheese Doritos. I'm not even kidding. Ding, Ding, Ding... I'm the winner! Husband is gonna have to pay up now; I should have bet him something worthwhile, lol.

That was the adventure home. And now... guess where she is? On my couch... sound asleep. Oh well, at least its quiet & I can blog. :)

Thursday's plan: Put child on bus, breakfast, go to gym, lunch, pick child up from school, take husband to work, take child to therapy, round two of the gym, dinner, laundry... relax or fall face first into bed. Of course all of that is with a smattering of blogging thrown in... because lets face it I need all the moral support I can get at this point. This is gonna be a LONG seven days, but...

Mama Pimp is right - I am IN CONTROL!!!

Here She Comes...

2010-04-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

My Mother -remember her, the third member of the conspiracy? - is coming to stay with us for a week. I'm bringing her home with me after kids group tonight. After weeks of constant complaints about us not spending enough time with her, she agreed to come here to visit. Now I know this won't stop her complaints because she has this need for us to visit her at her house... but its the best I can do right now.

These visits cause me a huge heap of STRESS! She expects to be catered to when she is here & will go hungry for hours rather than pour herself a bowl of cereal. And if I'm puttering around the house doing housework or whatever she gets upset because she can't "visit" with me. Can you imagine how she's going to react when I disappear for three (or more ) hours to hit the gym?
Those things are annoying, but the biggest stress comes from getting a true picture of her poor health. When she is at our house she does one of two things - sits in a chair trying to look at magazines (which she can barely do with her low vision) or sleeps. She has sleep apnea and is supposed to sleep with one of those breathing machines - she refuses to use it. Its obvious when you spend any real time with her that she has NO energy and is so physically weak that even walking a block is too much for her. Its sad and frustrating for me because I know she could be doing things to take better care of herself but - as I've talked about before - she doesn't think she's worth the effort.... which is where another chunk of the stress heap comes in...

Its like a healthy lifestyle pushes all of her buttons & she has a temper tantrum (for lack of a better term) - sometimes mini & sometimes full blown. I've taken her to the store & literally had her in tears for suggesting that chicken breasts might be a better option than ground beef. It used to be that I would do an "extra good job" of setting an example when she was here... which just lead to meltdown after meltdown. So lately I've been pretty laid back with my routine when she has stayed with us... BUT I CANNOT DO THAT THIS TIME... not for a whole week & not in the middle of this gym challenge. I just can't. So I can imagine the meltdowns are coming... and I don't feel like I can deal with that right now either... better to deal with that than another gain on the scale though.

The Husband and I were actually discussing this for quite awhile this morning and - hold the applause here lol - we agreed that the house will be business as usual for the duration of her visit. He of course was full things he'll say to her if she starts butting in - I so wonder what would happen if he ever actually said any of the things he comes up with. Anyway, that means my typical gym routine (on overdrive for the challenge), the healthiest meals possible (except for Saturday night dinner might be a splurge) and no unnecessary trips to stores. This is just the way it has to be... I cannot get derailed... especially after last week.

Is it bad that The Husband and I are taking bets on how long it will take her to come up with a reason to need to go to a store? Plus, we're taking bets on what she'll actually buy at the store if she gets in the door of one. I say Nacho Cheese Doritos. He says frozen pizza. I would agree on the pizza, but I'm betting she'll be suggesting we order it from somewhere before the week is over.

That's what happening here... what's going on in your world this week?

Scale Day Report & Other Ramblings

2010-04-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

197.8... that's the number that greeted me on the scale this morning. That's a gain of nearly two pounds (1.8 to be exact). Am I upset? Am I beating myself up? Nope, not at all. Yes, I'm disappointed in the gain... but at the same I am well aware that it could have been much worse considering the week I had. Though it was a rough week, I'm right back into my normal routine... so onward with no huge fits of regret.

I kept exercise to a minimum today - one hour on the bike. Its really all of the time I had. This new schedule The Husband is on BLOWS big time. If I go back to sleep in the morning (like I did today) there is no way I can get enough gym time before he has to leave for work. Here we are on day two of the schedule & he's already moaning about not getting to see me...

Food started out on a good note today - breakfast was oat pancakes with a little reduced fat peanut butter & sliced banana - and has gone steadily downhill from there. Trying to accommodate the family, I bought a package of hot dogs planning to eat one. Well, I ate my one for lunch... and let me tell ya right now it will be super easy to stick to just one - the thing was beyond nasty! It was a "quality brand" but the taste was so gross, I barely choked it down (seriously should have thrown it away & eaten something else). This type of experience is good because yeah I won't be tempted by the rest of the package sitting there, but bad because I will be munchy hungry because I was so unsatisfied by the meal. Sure enough, an hour or so later I found myself in the kitchen browsing the cupboards. I ended up making some nachos... but at least I measured - 1 oz of tortilla chips with 1 1/2 oz of 2% Mexican blend cheese. That seems to have ebbed the munchies... thank goodness! Dinner tonight is Erika's wonderful pasta salad... I will try not to overindulge... I may need two glasses of water before I eat, lol.

Have you ever noticed that the gym you go to in an effort to get (or be) healthy also offers an array of "unhealthy" options? This had never really occurred to me before, but one of my cousins posted on her Facebook status that she was thinking of tanning at the gym today & it started me thinking. My gym is filled with "unhealthy" options! There's the tanning beds - which I understand bronzed skin is important to some people - but knowing that tanning is as dangerous if not more so than exposure to the sun, I'll take a pass on that "unhealthy" option. Then there's the Smoothie Bar - beckoning by the front counter as I walk toward the exit. Every drink there is a minimum of 300 calories for the small ones & loaded with sugar. My only saving grace is that I rarely take my purse into the building & no money means no smoothie for me - which is a good thing. Why is it that this place that is there to encourage a "healthy lifestyle" offers all of these unhealthy options?

Does your gym offer "unhealthy" options? What are they?

Dreading Scale Day

2010-04-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

My weekly scale visit is mere hours away & I'm dreading it big time. I only got in two workouts the entire week, granted today's was killer - but still. Then there's the facts of what I ate while we were gone. I tried to do the best I could with what was offered - but really it was miserable. To make matters worse, silly me forgot my "anti-baby pills" when we went out of town... so now guess who has come to visit. Yep, none other than the one I call George. Ugh, Ugh, Ugh... on top of everything else I feel more bloated than I have in months.

Speaking of the trip to see the family...

We hadn't been to visit since October & what I found there was shocking... and made me very sad. Two of The Husband's cousins have gained a significant amount of weight over the winter. This is really scary because there are ton of health problems in their family. The male one seems oblivious to it, but with the female cousin you can tell she is really bothered by it. She is someone who has come to me "guidance" several times in the past. She is also one of those people with a thousand excuses of why she can't do it... still waiting for her "some thing's gotta give" moment. I pray it comes soon... because not only is she on this dangerous path, but she is putting her son on the same path. He is nine years old & well beyond chubby. It just makes me so sad to see the pattern repeating itself...

Do you have family members like this? How do you respond when someone asks for help, but you can tell they aren't ready?

A New Record

2010-04-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

1424! That's the highest number that I have recorded on the heart rate monitor!

By popular opinion, I went with Option #1 from my last post. But, I got to the gym about 45 minutes later than I planned & The Husband had to get a haircut on his way to work so I wasn't able to complete everything within the limited time. It was kind of fun letting you guys pick my workout... think I may make that a weekly thing. :)

Here's what I did:

110 floors on the stairmaster (target was 105)
24 core sets (target was 22 sets)
40 free weight sets (target was 38 sets)
40 circuit sets (target was 35 sets)
3.1 miles on elliptical (target was 3.04 mi)
4 miles on bike (target was 7.5)

I missed the treadmill altogether & was 3.5 miles short on the bike. Still I'm super excited about the new record calorie burn. Surprisingly I don't feel all that tired & only a little sore. I wasn't sure how it would go after taking a whole week off...

On the way home, I stopped at the Asian buffet. Now before you think I've lost my mind, STOP. I went in and got some sushi to bring home. Its a super good deal there & they have an excellent selection. I had 10 pieces which I'm estimating to be somewhere between 350-400 calories. Honestly, it was darn good today - fresh & flavorful - I would've eaten twice as much if I'd been in the restaurant so its probably a really good thing I brought it home.

The before & after meal water goal is going well so far. I'm not sure if its helping me eat less, but I can tell its a good indicator after the meal. Last night, when I drank my after dinner glass of water, I felt totally overstuffed... a clear sign I ate a little too much. I am so not a water drinker... but doing it this way is really helping me to get it all down, lol.

It feels so good to be home & getting back to my routine!

I'm off to explore in the kitchen... we'll see what I come up with...

Play Time is OVER! Have Your Say!!

2010-04-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

Monday... that's the last day I was really in a normal routine. And here we are back to Monday again! After a week of "play time" I am soooooo ready to get back to business as usual. Keep reading for your chance to choose my workout. Today was mostly about unpacking... and of course, Easter fun. It felt weird not to be at Church on Easter, but we really weren't up to the hour long drive. My son loved his basket & hunted for eggs in the backyard. He was so funny because he'd be staring right at an egg and asking "where are the eggs?" lol.

After the unfortunate incidents of the "forgotten" birthday & almost forgotten anniversary, I took it upon myself to make my own Easter basket. The Husband's aunt actually suggested I do it while we were there visiting & helped me pick stuff for it. :)

Contents of the "basket" (I've wanted that Caboodle forever, she suggested I used it as a basket): two pairs of pjs, some panties, nail polish, one cadbury egg & the bag of pastel egg shaped Reese's Pieces. The Reese's actually got put into the eggs for my son to hunt, so I only got a few of them.

To support the efforts of getting back to business, I picked up a cart full of goodies at Trader Joe's after the wedding. Patience is a virtue in that place, we had to drive around the parking lot four times just to find a parking spot. Here's the Trader Joe's loot...

A little bit of everything... I had to limit myself because there was barely any room in the car since it was still packed with our bags from the trip. This is my first time trying the baby kiwis; they are a bit different, but I really like them. The Cilantro and Jalapeno Hummus is my new favorite dip for pretzels or homemade pita chips; its so creamy & smooth... and only 40 calories for two tablespoons.

Today: I went to the commissary and picked up a few other groceries. I haven't really meal planned yet, but the options are going to be pretty basic considering the groceries I purchased. Slowly, I'm getting stuff portioned out into single serving containers; its definitely a bit of work, but sooooo worth it in the long run.

My action plan for tomorrow: Get the child on the bus, have some breakfast & head off to the gym. I'm debating between a couple of options for my gym time & would love to hear your input.

Option 1: Visit all part of the Around the World Challenge

35 circuit sets
22 core sets
38 free weight sets
7.5 miles on bike
2.47 miles on treadmill
3.04 miles on elliptical
105 floors on StairMaster

Option 2: Knock out as much as possible on the StairMaster, treadmill & free weights

What would you do?

Majority rules here... this is your chance to choose my workout!

Home Sweet Home

2010-04-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

Help me please! Wasn't I supposed to come home on Friday? Why then did it take until 7pm Saturday to get here? Hmmm... could it be the weatherman that predicted blizzard-like conditions on the mountain pass for Friday? Why yes, he gets some of the blame... but in his defense he did amend his forecast & report that the pass wasn't THAT bad after all. Moving on... could it be The Husband who chose to go off with his cousin, not answer his phone & walk into his Auntie's house stumbling drunk? Yep, he gets some of the credit too... but in his defense he was too drunk for it to have made a difference by the time the weatherman changed his tune. So yeah, we stayed over an extra day and I don't even want to say what I ate in that extra day... it was BAD, BAD, BAD. :( I cannot wait to get back to my routine & the gym (its crazy how much I miss it). Still have to face scale day & see how much these days hurt my progress... sigh.

We had to get on the road bright & early so that we could get to my nephew's wedding. The drive started out rather promising...

Down the road about an hour we saw this...

And they weren't joking about the snow & slush....

What they forgot to mention was that the advisory was going to change and start requiring traction tires - something we don't have - while we were midway across the pass. The road was miserable... but at least the snow and wind were mild when we crossed. Gawd, I miss 4-wheel drive!

Despite the slow moving across the pass we made it to the wedding... with about five minutes to spare.

It was a totally casual affair... though it was actually in a Church (I almost fell over when I got the invitation listing a Church, lol). Very thankful for that since my "wedding attire" was 90 minutes away and there was definitely NO time to go home for it.

The wedding happened to take place just a few blocks from a Trader Joe's, so being the smart girl that I pretend to be at times... I did a little shopping before heading for home. Oh & a quick stop at Ross produced what will hopefully become the replacement pants for my favorite ones. I'll share pics of the loot tomorrow... right now I have to go play Easter Bunny & then fall into bed.

I am one tired Mama tonight... long, long day... but soooooo glad to be home!

April's Lifestyle Goals.... and The Buffet Report

2010-04-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

Okay... better late than never... here I am with my Lifestyle Goals for the month.

Lifestyle Goal #1 : FINISH the Around the World Challenge at the gym! Do you realize how far behind I am on this thing now?

This is what I would have to do on a daily basis IF I go to the gym on every available day between now & when the challenge ends (20 days because they are closed for Easter & I have one other day that I know I can't get there):

9 sets on the circuit machines

11 sets of core stuff

19 sets on free weights

3.75 miles on bike

1.85 miles on treadmill

1.52 miles on elliptical

79 floors on StairMaster

Considering that "stuff" ALWAYS comes up to interfere with my plans, I'm hoping to get it done with 15 visits to the gym, which would require this:

12 sets on the circuit machines

15 sets of core stuff

26 sets on free weights

5 miles on bike

2.47 miles on treadmill

2.03 miles on elliptical

105 floors on StairMaster

One minute I look at those numbers & think that doesn't look so hard... then the next I look and think "OMG, I'm gonna die before this is over" and visions of Mother's Day last year (when I was at the gym almost all the hours they were open) start swimming before my eyes. I know I can do it! After all, I'm in way better shape than I was last year when I finished the whole adventure!! And... there is that new Coach bag I'm working for... you can see it here if you missed it.

Lifestyle Goal #2: Drink one cup of water before & after each meal or snack I consume... starting tomorrow. Other than when I'm sweating like crazy in the gym, I haven't been drinking nearly enough water. I used to be pretty decent about this... don't know when I got out of the habit. If I do this 21 of 27 days (approx 75%), I will get myself a "special water glass" for at home use... something pretty, haven't picked out the exact "one" just yet.

That's it... just two goals this month... trying to keep it simple because I know Around the World takes a lot out of me. Besides, The Husband will be in pre-deployment (aka we need to be together every waking moment) mode soon so I don't want to to pile too much on myself right now.

Moving on to The Buffet Report...

Here is my first plate from last night's visit to the buffet.

Look at that... you can actually see a fair amount of white plate there! Everything in this picture was pretty tasty; I ate all of the mac & cheese, the roll, the chicken & half of the brisket. That chicken is Hawaiian BBQ with pineapple....so unbelievably good. Its probably best not to ask how much of it I consumed. My second plate had more chicken (lots more), mashed potatoes with gravy (which I took two bites of and decided they were gross) and a little corn. Plate number three (yes there was a third plate and yikes) had more chicken (seriously the chicken was amazing) and way too much corn bread. My only defense is that they had just put that corn bread out and its soooo tasty when its fresh. So yeah... I confess the buffet was carb & protein heavy... with not much to call a veggie or fruit in sight... except a few tidbits of pineapple. I do have to say it was a bit amusing walking out of the restaurant... everyone else in the family was groaning about how much they ate and how full they were while I was thinking to myself "I'm on the well satisfied side of things... but definitely not overstuffed."

Ok, now that my buffet confessional is over... I want to know...

What are your goals for April? How do you plan to reach them?

A New Award

2010-04-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Shelli at Skinny Jeans ~ Fat Wallet for this sweet award! She actually gave it to me a few days ago, but life here in "vacationland" hasn't left me my usual time for blogging.

The Rules for this award:
1. When you have received this award you must thank the person that awarded you the award in a new post.
2. Name 10 things that make you happy.
3. Pass this award on to 10 bloggers & inform them.

10 Things That Make Me Happy:
1. Spring in the valley when all of the tulips are blooming
2. The sound of waves crashing on the beach when I'm falling asleep
3. A positive checking account balance the day before payday, lol
4. Being behind the wheel of a fast car on an open road
5. The size 12 dress hanging in my closet & the fact that it fits WELL!
6. Seeing Niko behind the bar when I walk into Applebees (the drinks aren't worth having if she's not there)
7. Blog posts that make me laugh so hard I'm crying.... hmmm bet ya can't guess who causes this most often lol
8. Pedicures
9. Good sales at my favorite stores
10. Office supply stores (love the smell lol) and craft stores

I've decided to give this award to everyone who commented on my post "Stop Being A Victim!" because that was a tough post to write & their comments made it feel worth the courage it took to share. So here they are:

Josie @ Losing It
Paula @ paulawannacracker
mandy @ Finally Finishing It
Syl @ Live, Smile, Run
Rachel @ Rachel Murray's Weight Loss
Sally (aka Girl Bandit) @ Ramblings From the Other Side
Lesley @ Life as a Caterpillar
Mama Pimp @ Its Just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua
Cincimom11 @ Cincimom11: Losing the Baby Weight

Thank you for being my "Sweet Friends!"

No Foolin Here...

2010-04-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

Ladies & gentlemen (wait, do I have any guy readers??? lol), I have no time for the pranks of April Fools today... so I swear everything you are about to read is the honest to goodness truth... fortunate or unfortunate as it may be.

Remember the dinner I was going to try not to eat too much of last night? Here's my plate...

Let's just say that my plan to eat a small meal went a bit awry. I had one small spoonful of the casserole after this. Hopefully the fact that I substituted a banana for the bread & butter that everyone else ate with their meal counts for something.

And about that chicken I was looking so forward to at the casino... I ordered it, they cooked it fresh and I was excited to sit down with it - 7 "flamin' wings" - at the only remaining table in the cafe area. *Insert here that I attempted to take a pic of them, but the 300+ pound security guy that came to yell at me for using a camera in the casino was less than helpful.* The first bite, of the first wing, was luscious - spicy with just the right amount of heat - and juicy. The first three were fairly tasty. On wing #4 the trouble began. There was such a thick layer of fat between the skin & the meat that I could NOT force myself to take a second bite. Wings #5 & #6 same story! Gross, disgusting, wretched nastiness! By wing #7 I gave up & was literally picking the flavored coating off the last piece - being careful not to get any of the nasty skin. And if that wasn't bad enough, when I got up and started walking around the casino, I had the WORST stomach ache I've had in ages. Lesson learned - NO MORE WINGS AT THE CASINO!!!

And while we're on the subject of the casino. I FAILED to make my regular donation! That's right, I actually left the building with more money than I took. Not a lot more - but a little - plus I bought food there. This is one time when it felt pretty darn good to fail, lol.

As I type, I am waiting for the rest of the family to assemble themselves so we can head off to dinner - at the freakin BUFFET! Honestly, I swear I will be lucky not to undo all of last weeks progress & then some at this rate. The good news is I knew what was going on for dinner ahead of time, so I had this for breakfast...

One grapefruit with 1/2 whole wheat bagel & a scant 1 tablespoon of reduced-fat peanut butter. 310 calories... and way satisfying. Plus, I've eaten a small portion of the leftover casserole from last night, which is actually pretty low calorie other than the rice since she used 96% lean ground beef, so I won't be famished when we get to the buffet (that's if we get to go sometime before now & next year).

We spent the afternoon visiting some local antique stores... and I've got to tell ya I never knew before today that its possible to pile on the calories while shopping for things older than dirt. Every store we went to had out trays of cookies and/or candy - free for their "valued" customers. Its embarrassing to report - but I had four huge malted milk balls (they were the best I've ever tasted) and five freakin cookies (not even homemade yummy cookies, but store bought sandwich cookies). Even more embarrassing that was pretty much what ended up being for lunch too! Ugh, I can't remember when the last time was I had that much sugar in a single day, much less an afternoon.

Even after all of that, I'm looking forward to the buffet tonight. I will follow my rules & it will be fine. They have awesome food & I know in advance what is worth using calories for. And the best part, I can steer clear of anything known as "beef." I swear its like I've had a "cow relapse" or something - going from eating beef maybe once a week to having had it (omg, wait while I try to count here) four times in a 48 hour period. The Husband has been "dying" for a good steak... I think his wait just got extended by a nice long period of time. Maybe that will be his farewell dinner before he goes on deployment, lol.

One "yay me" event of this trip: I have not had a single chip the whole time! Normally not a big achievement because I don't eat chips that often. But, they are everwhere here. The Husband ate them on the way here, they have bags sitting on top of the fridge beckoning, they pull them out at lunch or for snacks in the afternoon... and though they are right there mere inches from my fingers (and my nose) I do not reach for them. I am strong. I will not bend on this... small & insignificant as it may be. Now those addictively tasty pepper jack cheese sticks in the fridge are an entirely different ball of wax - or should I say artery hardening dairy product?!?

I'm gonna try to catch up on some blogs while these SLOW people are finishing getting ready, lol. I'll be back later with my April lifestyle goals & to take care of an award I received... hopefully tonight.

What surprising places have you found mounds of goodies free for the purpose of widening your arse? I must know so I can avoid them in the future, lol!